A New Year!

It seems that I now visit my blog about once a month, to stay in touch, to give me a moment to catch up with everyone's posts, challenges and successes; and to maintain some connection to this part of parenting and this part of my life. I surprised myself that I would want to stay connected; but I realize that a lot went on with my family during the four years of my son's addiction and even in the worst of times, we learn from these experiences. I don't want to forget what I've learned! I am not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions...if I was, I'd be a size 8 instead of a size 18! But that being said, 2012 does feel like it will be the year that I obtain more freedom in my life, move some ongoing roadblocks out of the way, and hopefully walk down a new path or two. ...The divorce should be final this year. I expect that we will have the appropriate paperwork in the court for final approval within the next 60 days or so. ...I hope to sell the house or put a tenant in the house and actually find and buy something closer to work and get moved (I need to get back the 4 hours a day I spent commuting right now) ...Bryan has started to take a class at the local community college, all on his own, and he continues to work part time. He seems to be making grown-up decisions and he has stayed out of trouble (except talking on his cell phone when driving - 2 tickets for this). ...I rescued a second dog, with assistance from my niece, and so now Whitney, the border collie, has a full time friend at home (Auggie).

...I've started talking ballroom dancing classes; ...I'm making work a part of my life, and not my entire life! ...Continue to enhance my relationship with God and his teachings! One of the things I will not change is to maintain opportunities to stay in touch with friends and loved ones. To provide love and support to those in my life that need some support and caring during challenging times and even when they are not involved in challenges at the moment. Everyone needs to know that someone out in the "universe" is thinking about them and cares about them.

Do You Put Yourself First?

I had dinner last weekend with about 10 friends. We all worked together for the same company at one point or another. Some of us only stopped through the company for awhile (I was there about 6 years), while others spent 20+ years with the same company. We get together several times a year and it is always magical with conversations about the "old days," travel, tv and movies, people, our friends, and yes, even politics and religion! LOL

This "family" has prayed so hard for Bryan and for me; and I truly believe that their love and support was key in getting through it all.

I was commenting on the fact that the most important thing in my life is that Bryan is doing well; and I was stopped instantly! I was forcefully reminded that the most important thing is that I am doing well! Because as they all said, "You can't be there for Bryan unless you are in a good place, taking care of yourself and actually putting yourself first." And they are right.

I think it is one of the most difficult concepts for parents of addicts. We spend so much time and energy worrying about and taking care of them, and we often put ourselves at the bottom of the priority list. So my holiday prayer for everyone I know who continues with the struggles of addiction in their lives (as family and friends, or as the addict), is that you must put yourself first! By caring for yourself and demonstrating a healthy approach to life and to the ensuing drama, you are actually being a positive role model for your addict, your spouse, your other children, and most importantly, yourself!

It's why I love this group. They focus on life, the Love of God, family, those in need, friends, themselves and each other! The CEO of our company (who was also at dinner last night) did quite a remarkable job in bringing this eclectic and interesting group of women together over the years. I'm blessed to have them in my life.

The Holidays

The holidays are an unusual time. It is supposed to be a time of good cheer and hope and happiness. Yet, we stress over our families and our friends; our jobs; our money or lack thereof; buying gifts; decorating; etc. etc. etc.

Bryan will be home for the first Christmas in a long time. It was actually on Christmas Day, 2008, when my brother staged an intervention after Bryan stole from him; my husband got really angry and went to his mom and dad's for Christmas, and in a huge rain storm, I drove Bryan to BMC to detox. It was not the beginning of the journey; it was just an exit off the road of life.

Last year, when we still couldn't get together for Christmas, and he was ready to quit Narconon, he made such a fuss about missing the family and missing Christmas. So of course, this year I am excited that he is home and 2-years clean, working and doing well. That being said, he seems totally "uninterested" in the fact that Christmas is almost here. And it bothers me!

I know it is a minor thing to be concerned about. There are so many families and individuals that have so many major worries about the holidays (heck about life in general, and not just the holidays). But I admit that I was looking forward to a nice family Christmas with my son and I'm finding myself upset with him for not taking it seriously. So again, I am giving over my power of being healthy and happy in life to someone else (my son) and I need to make sure that I hold on to my power and manage my life myself.

Although I haven't been visiting the blogosphere a lot, everyone remains in my prayers.

Missing You!

I realize that I'm missing you! I'm missing reading about your lives (although for some of you, I have a FB connection), I'm missing keeping in touch, I'm missing sharing and I'm missing our friendship. But I felt just a tiny bit better when I saw that on one blog that I follow, the writer had stayed away since January 2010! LOL I've only been away a month and a few days.

I have started telling people that the addiction cycle in my life is over and it is as if it never happened! I know that you will find that hard to believe and you may even think that I'm being unrealistic by looking at it that way. Honestly, that is how it feels! Bryan will be two years clean in 15 days without a relapse, without any drama, without any baggage or history to deal with. He will have been living with me for 10 months, and working full time the entire time (he was unemployed for two weeks when he got home and has worked ever since). His best friend, who he sees 4-5 times per week, socializes with, visits with, etc., is stable and has never had a drug problem. And now he and his friend are talking about renting a house together so both of them can move out of their parents homes at 23 years old. Wow! And I'll miss him if he moves out!

I've retitled the blog and I'm thinking about my life and my son's life in a very different way. I am so very blessed!

I realize that because I haven't had all the drama and negative aspects that some have had, that maybe I'm not realistic, or facing reality. I realize that I've probably stopped working on my enabling behavior, but to be honest, I don't really have anyone to enable anymore! If I ever end up in a relationship again, I'll need to be cognizant of this.

So what's up? I'm focusing on dealing with being single and 54; I'm focusing on finalizing my divorce, I'm focusing on making sure my job is going well (for 8 months or so it has been terrible, but there has been some significant improvement in the last two months), I'm starting to focus on my own health and well being again, although it will be a long, hard road; and I'm really starting to forget what it felt like to be an addict's mom...what it felt like to love an addict. I'm not gloating or bragging, and in fact it brings tears to my eyes for everyone that is either still involved, or just getting involved in this way of life. But I am grateful for what God and my son have given to me as a gift; and I do miss everyone!

Once a Month

It seems that I've gotten to a "place" where I feel the need to write about once a month. I don't know, honestly, if this is because I simply don't want to step away from all of you that have supported me and loved me (and Bryan with your prayers and thoughts) or if it is because I think I have something meaningful to say. And if I'm thinking about saying something meaningful...am I trying for meaningful for you or for me? Hmmmm....

I had a couple of comments on the last post that I wanted to say something about. First of all, thank you for reading and commenting, both Shelia and GenRxation. I wrote my blog for probably 6-8 months before anyone started following or commenting and knowing that there were others out there dealing with what I was dealing with, was one of the most supportive aspects of the blogging community. It helped to keep me sane. With regard to your son, I am sure he was doing well, so don't let go of that thought and those feelings, even though he has relapsed. My brother's daughter, who is now 3 years sober and we are off to buy her wedding dress (present from her aunt...me) in a couple of weeks, once told me that every moment they are sober (his daughter/my son), helps to build on itself. It makes each relapse a little less time, and they get a little better each time and want to be sober. I think he was right. So don't lose HOPE...as long as your son is breathing there is hope for his complete and total recovery.

To GenRxation, and your worries about your Mom. Make sure you tell her how much her support means to you in terms of being sober. That is the only message she needs to here. I worry about codependency, because when my son was active in his addiction, I made bad/codependent choices quite often. But I made them out of love. Still, love or not, as time went on, I figured out that there was a significant difference between helping him in recovery and enabling him in addiction. I hope that your Mom can see and feel that difference.

You asked me if I lived with Bryan while he was in recovery. He lived with us when he pretended he wanted recovery. He went into multiple rehabs, we spent thousands of dollars, and we were always hopeful that the cure had been found. When he finally admitted that recovery was not what he was interested in, and I had learned a lot about enabling and addiction, recovery and relapse, we required him to leave. He O.D.'d...survived...and finally he was ready to go into recovery. We found a live-in facility and off he went. That was at the end of October 2009; and he finally moved back home with me in January 2011. He has been living with me since and it has been more than wonderful. He has been 100% clean with no relapses since October 29, 2009.

Today/Tonight, life feels good for me. I am working on wrapping up my divorce (yes, my husband left me after 23 1/2 years of marriage, because he reengaged with his high school sweetheart), but we have been separated for 1 1/2 years and I'm moving on emotionally and mentally. I am blessed to have a good job through this down economy and I've been with my company for 13 years. I am blessed to have my son back and living with me and it is almost as if the addiction never happened (except I still have nightmares about drugs). There is even someone who loves me, although I don't know if we will get together or not. As with all good things, it is a little complicated.

I love this community. You are my friends, my compadres, and my support. A couple of you I have met in person, and I feel blessed to consider you true friends. I can only hope that I provide the same support and caring for you that you do for me. And I'll be 54 this month, and I'm even ok with that!

Back in the Real World

I have been back from Ireland for about a month; and haven't had too much to say. Bryan is completely fine; I am still trying to figure out how to get divorced, manage my 2-hour each way commute five days per week, continue to improve things at work (I've had issues with my boss especially since the first of the year), and even try to take care of myself (the Zoloft has been a God send).

I read a comment on Barbara's post (on the 12th of August, I believe) where Jackie (I hope I have that right because I don't want to go back and check) asked about whether the recovery rate for co-dependents is about the same as the recovery rate for addicts? I find her comment very insightful, especially because much of my co-dependent behaviors showed up in my marriage and clearly what I thought was working was not. And although I live every day thinking that I no longer have codependent issues related to my son, I realize that I may be fooling myself, and I may simply be basking in his recovery, and ignoring my own. Hmmmmm...something to think about.

In reality, that is why I still post and I still read. I learn something interesting every time I review every one's posts, thoughts and comments; and it helps me to keep my prayer list current as well!

A Wee Post From Ireland

If anyone had told me 3 years ago that three years in the future I would be off to Ireland for a 3-week vacation; and that Bryan would be home alone in the house, taking care of my Border Collie, Whitney, I simply would have said "no way." But as I'm sitting here in Cork, writing just a little, it is exactly the way things have turned out. That's Brilliant! as they say here.

Ireland is everything that I thought it would be and more. We've had beautiful, dry weather, with only a couple days of rain. We've seen everything, every where we've stayed and traveled. We've stayed in lovely bed and breakfasts and a couple of very nice hotels. We've shopped...yes, I have Waterford Crystal being shipped to the house (and yes, I know they manufacture it in Poland now, but I don't care...it is still Irish). And one of the absolute highlights was visiting a working sheepfarm, where we actually got to see 2 and then 4 border collies (just like my Whitney) actually herd the sheep. It was amazing! The people are everything that you think about Irish people...warm, friendly and when you ask for directions in a market, they walk out to the street and point and direct and sometimes walk you to where you are asking about. The weather has been cool (in the 60's) and the landscape has been "kelly green" and every other shade of green!

My best friend, that I'm traveling with, has been an amazing travel mate, and we've had no problems. We were smart enough to get separate rooms every where we stayed, so that we could have little breaks from each other and that was also very smart. And only once did I drive the wrong way in a roundabout!

Having a wonderful, relaxing and tiring (the good kind of tired) vacation reminds me how important it is to take care of ourselves, no matter what is going on in our lives. I hope YOU are taking care of YOURSELF. I know how difficult it can be. But remember, as long as they are breathing there is hope!

I'm starting to think ahead in my life as it relates to Bryan; and I may retire the blog soon. We will see. Love and prayers to everyone!