He came over tonight to talk about the boundaries in terms of moving in. He was not himself the entire time we were talking. He said he didn't feel well, but he was fine. He said they had tested him at the house yesterday (lies). He was good with the rules we would set, he understood it would take time for trust to come back. It was all okay - he wanted to come home. Then there was a knock on the door. It was a neighbor down the street, and Bryan ran his car into a cement set mail box and took it out on the way to our house...completely tore out the side of his car (still in our name...so we are responsible). He was very nice and will fix the mailbox himself and we will pay for the materials. I don't know if he would have called the police otherwise. I'm sure we should have stepped aside and let the chips fall where they may.
More truth came out. He was kicked out of sober living on Monday for a dirty test. Someone at a meeting offered him an Oxy and he took it. He's never once turned down drugs...every relapse is someone offering him drugs and he says yes. He would have been 103 days clean today, instead he is 0. He slept in his car one night and right now, someone has let him sleep in a room at their house. It won't last he has no money.
We told him he couldn't stay here. We can't have an addict in our home. We took the car keys and the gas card. We did give him a ride over to the house in Beaumont because he could not find anyone to give him a ride. At least I know he has a roof over his head tonight. This is the toughest boundary we have set. It is not a good feeling.
This is not the first relapse, but it is still so excruciating. He has nothing except his cell phone and his clothes. I won't turn off the cell phone because I want to be able to reach him, but I don't know how long that will last either.
How will he get to meetings? He will never be able to get a job, he will soon be kicked out of the place he is at and then what will happen? Will my son die in a gutter somewhere? Will I even know? After all this time dealing with his addiction, I thought I could handle it. My heart feels torn from my body. I don't know if I will recover.
TIME FLIES
-
Okay, here I go again! My last published entry on this blog was January 31,
2010 and I have covered a lot of ground since that day. I am certain that
you h...
1 year ago
Lisa I am so sorry. I can only imagine how much this must hurt. I feel so badly for the parents of addicts. If it hurts as much as it does to be the spouse of one I can only imagine the excruciating pain a parent must feel.
ReplyDeleteMaybe though, this was an answer for you. You were so worried in your previous post about what to do and this seemed to make it pretty clear for
you so I am thankful for that.
If he wants to get to meetings and is commited to recovery he WILL find a way to get there...he will! As hard as it is you setting boundries is the ultimate act of love for him.
How can you function even if your son never changes? This is a family illness. You can begin to recover too. That recovery starts (just like your son's) when you realize that you simply cannot live one more day like this. Alanon may help you save your own health, well-being, sanity and finances. All the pieces of your son's life will come together when he seeks a path to recovery. The rides to meetings, the jobs, renewed relationships, a nice bed. Until then, it's one trauma after another. I think the only reason that addicts stop doing drugs or drinking is that it gets so painful.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you and your family. This is such a cruel, ugly disease. Was he at all remorseful when he came home? Does he want to get help- again? This is all new to me, so forgive me if I say the wrong things. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteSounds tough and it is hard but you did the right thing for you and more importantly you did the right thing for him. I also applaud you for taking the keys and the vehicle. Besides the risk for him the liability for you is enormous. I don't know all about legality but morally if you know he is an addict and allow him to drive your vehicle and has an accident in which someone is injured or killed how do you live with yourself then. I know those thoughts because we did that long ago, my son has not driven legally for 2 years.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the relapse thing and may never but I accept it. I have had to learn to accept a lot of things without complete understanding, which is hard for me. There is a constant struggle within me with what really is the truth. When does he really want help and when is it another scam. The sorry situation is I am not sure at times our addicts know the difference. My conclusion is when my addict is ready for help I will know because he doesn't need me to get help, he knows all the resources and where to find them. To me when he is asking me for help for something he already knows, there's only one conclusion I can reach.
Stay strong, sounds like you two are on the same team. It takes all of you and others in this situation. Lean on us too. One of my greatest support networks is writing on my blog and my blog friends.
So sorry for the pain you are feeling...we can never stop having a mother's heart...you have some great advice given in your comments section...
ReplyDeleteSomeone shared this with me a while back and I would like to pass it on to you...
"Difficulty is the very atmosphere of miracle -- it is miracle in its first stage. If it is to be a great miracle, the condition is not difficulty but impossibility."
I sucked in a deep breath, as I read this. This is deja vu'. My son is carless, because of his erratic driving while high. He won't admit it, but that's exactly what happened. He has a job, even while using. That doesn't mean I condone it, but your son just might be able to pull it off.
ReplyDeleteAs you might know, my son was refused the right to live in our home. He is doing okay. I did my best to teach him survival skills. Unless I learn to disengage, my son will never learn to find his own way. I'm in the stage right now-- I miss him terribly, and at times I worry about him.
Mom, I pray that your son will be forced to face life on his own-- and face the results of his own addiction. My son used oxy for years, and sadly the odds of recovery are not in their favor. B relapses for the same excuse-- it was offered to him.
Keep praying, mom. Lean on God and admit your fears. Blog. You did exactly the right thing, as much as it hurts.
Remember, the program says that an addict who is not working the program will either end up in a mental institution, jail or dead. It's a sad reality-- but the hope is that addicts can find sobriety and lead a good life. Never, ever give up!
Praying for that,
Debby
I'm so sorry Lisa. I know your pain is overwhelming right now, but you'll make it- I have faith in you. As everyone told me, keep working on yourself, that's the best gift you can give yourself AND your son. It will help them if we are healthy. Someone once told me that my son has to want sobriety for himself MORE than I want it for him. That helps to remind me that until then- everything I "do" for him is useless. Sending you big hugs...
ReplyDeleteLisa, my heart breaks as I read this. Excruciating is the perfect word to describe this nightmare. I am so, so sorry. I won't bother saying the usual things, I am sure everyone above has said them (and they are all true). I'll just say this sucks big time and I feel bad for you and your son. How did our boys get to this point???
ReplyDeleteLisa - I cried as I read your post. Not only for you and Bryan, but I realized that when my son is released from jail/rehab etc. that if he is living with me again and relapses, that I will have to do the same thing that you did. He may also be in the same situation, no car, no money, etc.
ReplyDeleteYou have inspired me with your courage!
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteYou and your husband did the right thing. It's never easy, but you have made a step in the right direction. I cannot add any more wisdom to all that's already been stated above. Know that your family and your precious son is in our hearts, our thoughts, and our prayers.
At my son's graduation from Teen Challenge, the keynote speaker said this: "Before it was incredible, it was impossible." Right now, the idea of your son getting sober and staying that way sounds like an impossible dream, but it can become an incredible reality. Stay strong. You've just taken the first step to helping your son come to the place of surrender, helping him come to the end of himself and his life on drugs.
Pray that he will hate his life on drugs and long for a new life, a life not dependent on the next high to come along.
You're in our prayers,
Cheri
Thank you, everyone, for your support. It means the world to me. I've never experienced a time where "doing the right thing" could hurt so badly. We will move forward and your prayers and your comments are a blessing for me, for my husband and even for Bryan.
ReplyDeleteYou did the most loving thing a parent can do for their child...let go. The Big Book says we are beyond human aid...God can and will, if He is sought. When the pain is great enough, we ask for His help, because we have run out of answers (and family to save us). God bless your family. You're in my prayers. Have faith that God is with your son tonight.
ReplyDeletePlease try to self nurture right now, it is all you can do for yourself. I know the grief you are experiencing right now. I have had to tell my son he can't live with us before (probably need to do it again soon). So many terrible thoughts run through your mind. Remember that nothing is permanent, not this moment or the next. We don't know what will happen so keep hope and try to catch yourself when your mind starts with the "what ifs". I know when I found myself so worried all I could do was cry and not sleep, I started trying to imagine sending light and protective love my son's way. I would just imagine God filling him with his light and loving protection. It was the only thing that helped me to self-soothe. Now I have the blog family to assist also. Please go easy on yourself and I will pray for you and your son. Also, your son was saved tonight, he wrecked but was not injured and only injured a mailbox. The knowledge of his relapse came to light...there is purpose there. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteRenee makes a great point in her comment above. Your son was saved in two ways - the accident was a minor one, and the relapse was exposed. It was a car accident that brought our son's drug addiction to light the first time. He totaled his sister's car while under the influence, but it could have been so much worse. The accident involved no other vehicles and he wasn't physically hurt. And it forced us to deal with his addiction head-on, instead of just wondering if it was happening.
ReplyDeleteHang in there,
Cheri
I'm sorry for you, this is always a kick in the gut.
ReplyDeleteBut the questions you ask at the end of your post are HIS problems. You cannot do anything about any of it, except pray (if you believe in it, as I do). The cycle of addiction is such that if you come back and read this post in 1 year you will still be asking "where is he going to sleep tonight? how is he going to get to meetings? does he have anything to eat?, etc" Nothing changes till he does.
He is young, but I do know a handful of opiate addicts who managed getting clean in their 20's. You just have to keep taking deep breaths, and don't forget about the rest of your family.