It is a small world, and every bit of experience we have may translate to something that can help others. I was reminded of this on Friday. I made an appointment with an attorney with regard to my upcoming divorce. (Fast facts: married 23-1/2 years; my husband left me a year ago; he's dating his high school sweetheart and he took her and her two teenage boys and my son skiing/snowboarding this weekend). Anyway...
I met with her at noon yesterday, and in describing some of the history, I mentioned my son's addiction. She zeroed in on it and we spent the next hour, with my answering question after question about Bryan's journey, decisions I made, the different rehabs he went in to, what seemed to help, what didn't help, etc. So of course, at the end of that part of the discussion, I asked her "who in your life is dealing with drugs?" She said it was her 17 year old daughter and her drug of choice is heroin. It breaks my heart.
Needless to say, I answered all of her questions the best that I could, and I also added many many disclaimers that I was not any sort of an expert and that the questions I answered for her were based on my personal experience only; and how Bryan chose to do things. I did share with her my blog address; and told her about the list of blogs she will see. And how the people in this community have been loving, supportive, helpful and understanding through all of the drama related to Bryan's addiction and the impact on me and our family. I encouraged her to read every one's posts and to comment or ask questions when appropriate. I told she could be as anonymous or as open as she felt comfortable being. I was really glad that I have this community to refer her to.
Quick update on Bryan...he has been working for the last 2-3 weeks (almost full time) transporting vehicles for a man that own a vehicle auction house. He has three kids that have all been through addiction so he definitely "has that t-shirt." Bryan is doing well working for him, up every morning at 6:30 a.m. to head off to work around 6:50 a.m. (only men can do that); and he seems to like it. This weekend he is off snowboarding in Utah with his Dad; and his girlfriend and her two teenage boys 15and 11. This is the first formal meeting; and I admit that I'm pretty freaked out about it.
Co-dependent alert!!!! Being codependent isn't just about an addicted son. I'm worrying about something that I have no control over. What if my son really likes her? And why should that matter? He will still be my son and that won't change.
I don't know if my attorney will come into our blog world; but I know if she does, she will find help and solice from all of you. And in terms of lawyer humor??? In our meeting she shared with me that when I call, she automatically bills me for 18 minutes (approximately) per call. So she said, don't call 10 times with 10 questions; call once and we will go through all the questions then...it will save you money. So at the end of the meeting, I told her to call me anytime, no matter what, if she needs someone to talk to, someone to vent to, etc. And I told her that I don't bill in 18 minute increments! hahahahahahaha. She laughed too!
Maybe you could work out a barter situation with her.....trade phone time. :o) Isn't it amazing when we stumble across someone who is hurting and *we* get to extend a hand?? I always feel so honored. Imo, those meetings are not just accidents and that some Higher Power thinks it fit to allow me to hug another hurting parent and share their burden....well what a blessing for me!
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A friend of mine attending N/A for weed (he has smoked a lot for years) told me he went to his frist meeting and 80% were there for Heroin. He could not believe it. He is 27 and told me that weed and alcohol and the occasional pill and cocaine were what was big when he was in school. He said he never even heard of anyone doing Heroin and yet now it is the biggest problem out there...mainly with the richer kids. My son told me almost everyone he has met there (rehab)is his age (20 and even younger) are there for heroin. At the meetings it is all about heroin. And 29 people have been kicked out in about 20 days ALL heroin.
ReplyDeleteAs for the new girlfriend - I went through that because my son was so young - actually one of his first girlfriends is a great friend today and that was almost 19 years ago. He had a few that I liked and few I didn't and honestly Blake didn't have a problem I did. I was so worried he would like them more than me, he didn't. Now he is 20 and it wouldn't be an issue and it won't with your son either. I like Blake's step mom more than I like his Father! :) I speak to her several times a week and I liked her the first time I met her. She has been around now I think since B was about 15. She didn't enter Blake's life at a great time but has always been incredibly supportive even inviting him to live with her to get away from the kids around here. She told him she would take him to school, etc. She did it solely because she cared there was never an agenda with her.
Keep an open mind your feelings are completely natural. But also keep in mind it isn't like she is helping to raise your son he is an adult with his own life. She is probably as nervous as you are. Pray that your son likes her no LOVES her. I am so grateful that my son loves his step mom he is very lucky to have her in his life. I wouldn't say he is close to her but when he has gone there to visit she goes above and beyond to make sure he knows he is welcome. She drove way over 3 hours in the rain to be at the rehab center at 8:30 this morning to see him. Really, could she be any classier? I think not. I hope that Blake appreciates her one day because she deserves it. Hang in there Lisa, the first few years of being single and getting used to everything are the toughest. I am hear for you if you ever need me.
YOU will always be his MOTHER. he may, in fact, like Dad's new girlfriend, but that takes nothing away from you. There just is no limit to how many people can love a child!! The more people who love a child, the better the child will be. Your husband's choices are not your son's choices. Just because your husband chose to leave and find someone else doesn't mean your son went on a hunt for a new "mom" does it?
ReplyDeleteBe secure in your motherhood, YOU raised him, YOU wiped his butt and his nose, YOU are the one in his heart. He may get along with the new girlfriend, he may even like going places with them, but that does not replace you.
Chillax!! {{{hugs}}}
I hope she discounted your time she spent with you while you were answering her questions. After all you probably "paid" more for your education than she paid for hers.
ReplyDeleteCame across your blog tonight. Stopping in to say hello. My girlfriend just went through a divorce as well after 18 years of marriage. I have two sons. One is now clean and the youngest is not yet. Hopefully someday.
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