For years and years, I would say to people in discussions about growing up and family, that my Dad's drinking did not negatively impact me. I convinced myself that the fact that I took care of everyone and everything was simply who I was...it helped me be successful in my job (human resources) and it helped me to be strong. I didn't label myself as codependent...hell, I didn't even know what that meant.
When I started family meetings regarding drug addiction I didn't really understand why I was writing letters to my Dad and to my Mom and voicing how I really felt. I didn't understand how being codependent and feeling responsible for the weather when it would upset my husband was simply wrong (and yes, I did sometimes feel responsible for the weather...LOL). I didn't understand that how this behavior was impacting me in terms of "the spin" in my world and how trying to control everything was not healthy or productive.
Today, I am separated from my husband...his choice not mine...and I realize that all I did in a codependent frenzy for all those years did not bond him to me. He did not appreciate my actions or the fact that I was controlling everything. Today, I am still in human resources and I'm working on letting those that report to me be responsible for their jobs and their successes and even their failures. Today, as a Mom of a recovering addict, I am learning that I only assist him if it is my call, not his, and I am being careful about whether I have expectations of him through any of that. And today I am still codependent, but I continue to be cognizant of it and work on it.
When I start feeling like my response to a situation is about control, I try to pause, and think about it for a second before I move forward. Interestingly, it is always easier to think about "what if XX was telling me she was doing this, that or the other thing for her family, for her boss, for her spouse, etc. What would I think about it?" It sometimes helps and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I do whatever it is anyway and then feel frustrated later. Oh well, no one heals overnight.
My point is that I am not having any real drama with my son at this time. 17 months clean (in two days), and healthy and happy. He seems to be living a normal life for a 22 year old; and I continue to have hope that this will all continue. (I do have to be especially careful about controlling through my expecatations.) But I am still codependent. And so in an odd (very surreal way) I am sometimes a little bit grateful in terms of my own learning through this journey (but of course, I wish he had never tried any drugs in the first place).
I continue to learn and accept that the only individual's behavior and choices I can control are my own.
Great post! I am also grateful...my husband and I joke, "Can you imagine how obnoxious we would have been if all of our kids actually did everything we expected them to do? We would think we have all the answers and if everyone would just listen to us we could direct them on how to create wonderful great kids." Yeah, sad to say, but we did have that potential. I often tell my daughter that in many ways she saved my life. Now for her to save her own. :o(
ReplyDeleteI do not accept the codependency kool-aid. I might be controlling, but I am not codependent. I take care of my children and husband because that is what mothers and wives do. I also realize that my controlling ways are not helpful at all times. Deciphering where my controlling is helpful and harmful is my daily struggle.
ReplyDeleteMy son's addiction has opened my eyes to my need for control. My childhood was so out of my control, I think I take every opportunity to control my adulthood.
So, controlling? Yes. Codependent? NOPE!
I understand where you are coming from, "Notmyboy." I don't think being codependent (which I do believe I am) means that you can't help. For me, I've learned it is all about my motives when I am helping and what I am looking for in the outcome. That is how I decipher the difference.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting your point of view on this, because it is an issue we all think about, and some struggle with!
That was a great post Lisa. First I just have to say how great it is that your son has been sober for so long at 22. My son tells me 20 is too young to be sober and it isn't "normal" for me to expect him to be.
ReplyDeleteI know I am controlling and the Codependent is something I still have a hard thing dealing with. Haven't figured it all out.
How impressive that you could actually leave your son in your house while you went away! :)
Great post, Lisa. It shows a lot of growth and wisdom. Control issues are my constant challenge - and not enabling, and detaching with love and . . . well, you know. I'll be in recovery myself, from the effects of my daughter's addictions, for the rest of my life - regardless of whether she's sober or using. I admire your strength - you give ME hope! Peggy
ReplyDeleteFor as long as I can remember, if my mom orders something at a restaurant and doesn't like it, I feel sick to my stomach and guilty and sad for her. It has been this way since at least 6th grade, if not earlier.
ReplyDeleteThis is just the most colorful example that I can give to explain that I am very codependent.