Time marches on, regardless of how we are feeling or what is happening within our lives. It's been a month since I posted last, and I posted about being sad. I didn't go back and read my blog before I started typing, so I don't know if I referred to "depression" or not.
In the last month, nothing much has changed. I continue to get up and go to work, with my commute logging about 70 hours a week. The divorce papers have been filed in court, and I'm patiently waiting for my husband to make an appointment and pick them up so he doesn't have to be served. I won't wait long, but I will give him time to take care of this. I had dinner at a couple's house last night and it really disturbed me, from a "time" point of view to realize this part of my life (separation and ultimate divorce) started in December 2009, when I realized he was having an affair. That was a long time ago. And here I am, this many months later, just barely moving into the proceedings for a divorce. No wonder I can't heal because I'm not moving the situation forward. Maybe now that I'm realizing this fact, I can move things forward and make things better.
I'm caught up in a tax problem which we are having trouble resolving, and my son is a 23-year old that often forgets that family comes first. I did see a new doctor and discussed with him the sadness. A couple of prescriptions have been given to me, although I just picked them up today and will start taking them tomorrow. At least one person has reminded me that the prescriptions I've been given are something that fetches good money on the street, so I need to be aware in terms of my meds and my son. I'd like to think that is not true, but better safe than sorry.
I have vacation coming up. I'm leaving on July 2nd for Ireland and will be gone a total of 16 days. It is the longest vacation I've ever taken. I am looking forward to traveling with a good friend and seeing new scenery; getting away from work and trying to relax. I do feel blessed that I can make the trip happen (financially and realistically). I need to clear my head so that I can enjoy this trip.
It still doesn't feel good to write about how I'm feeling, but I'm glad that I could sit down and type out some words. I continue to read blogs but it is a struggle to comment. I think about everyone though. I will work my way through this, of that I am sure. So if you are worried, please don't be. I write here because I know many of you understand from personal experience how I must be feeling and maybe even why. This feels like a safe place to say what I'm thinking and feeling.
By the way, Bryan is 19 months clean. Any my niece that is now clean for over two years (coming close to 3 years) just set her wedding date for June 3rd of next year. Time does march on.
I am fairly new to your blog, but in similar circumstances. A son who has abused substances, and a partner I can't rely on. Just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement. Hang in there. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't speak from personal experience about divorce, but it must be so painful. I am so sorry. Bryan's got over a year and a half! That's awesome, and also wonderful to hear about your niece.
ReplyDeleteI think your trip to the Emerald Isle sounds PERFECT. When you get on that plane let go of all your concerns and savor every moment of your adventure with your friend. I've heard the shades of green are indescribable.
The meds might help, if not keep trying new ones till you find what's right for you. You're a special lady, you deserve to have this sadness lifted.
19 MONTHS! I would be happy with 19 minutes! :0 I hope the meds help but don't give up and try different ones if they don't. Divorce is hard, difficult and it sucks. My first I believe cheated on me (or tried to) with my sons nanny who lived with us. It took me a long time to move on and I spent a lot of time very sad. Time does march on and that goes for you too. It took me 5 years before I married again and I have to say if it wasn't for my addict I would have an amazing family. I am very, very lucky and had I not worked out my own sadness and grew from the pain I would never have met him. I was finally healthy and ready to be with a man who was also healthy. Have a great time on your trip and really, really try to just have a great time.
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