Leaving Addiction Behind

A New Year!

2012-01-19T11:59:00.000-08:00

It seems that I now visit my blog about once a month, to stay in touch, to give me a moment to catch up with everyone's posts, challenges and successes; and to maintain some connection to this part of parenting and this part of my life. I surprised myself that I would want to stay connected; but I realize that a lot went on with my family during the four years of my son's addiction and even in the worst of times, we learn from these experiences. I don't want to forget what I've learned!I am not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions...if I was, I'd be a size 8 instead of a size 18! But that being said, 2012 does feel like it will be the year that I obtain more freedom in my life, move some ongoing roadblocks out of the way, and hopefully walk down a new path or two....The divorce should be final this year. I expect that we will have the appropriate paperwork in the court for final approval within the next 60 days or so....I hope to sell the house or put a tenant in the house and actually find and buy something closer to work and get moved (I need to get back the 4 hours a day I spent commuting right now)...Bryan has started to take a class at the local community college, all on his own, and he continues to work part time. He seems to be making grown-up decisions and he has stayed out of trouble (except talking on his cell phone when driving - 2 tickets for this)....I rescued a second dog, with assistance from my niece, and so now Whitney, the border collie, has a full time friend at home (Auggie).

...I've started talking ballroom dancing classes;...I'm making work a part of my life, and not my entire life!...Continue to enhance my relationship with God and his teachings!One of the things I will not change is to maintain opportunities to stay in touch with friends and loved ones. To provide love and support to those in my life that need some support and caring during challenging times and even when they are not involved in challenges at the moment. Everyone needs to know that someone out in the "universe" is thinking about them and cares about them.

Do You Put Yourself First?

2011-12-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

I had dinner last weekend with about 10 friends. We all worked together for the same company at one point or another. Some of us only stopped through the company for awhile (I was there about 6 years), while others spent 20+ years with the same company. We get together several times a year and it is always magical with conversations about the "old days," travel, tv and movies, people, our friends, and yes, even politics and religion! LOL

This "family" has prayed so hard for Bryan and for me; and I truly believe that their love and support was key in getting through it all.

I was commenting on the fact that the most important thing in my life is that Bryan is doing well; and I was stopped instantly! I was forcefully reminded that the most important thing is that I am doing well! Because as they all said, "You can't be there for Bryan unless you are in a good place, taking care of yourself and actually putting yourself first." And they are right.

I think it is one of the most difficult concepts for parents of addicts. We spend so much time and energy worrying about and taking care of them, and we often put ourselves at the bottom of the priority list. So my holiday prayer for everyone I know who continues with the struggles of addiction in their lives (as family and friends, or as the addict), is that you must put yourself first! By caring for yourself and demonstrating a healthy approach to life and to the ensuing drama, you are actually being a positive role model for your addict, your spouse, your other children, and most importantly, yourself!

It's why I love this group. They focus on life, the Love of God, family, those in need, friends, themselves and each other! The CEO of our company (who was also at dinner last night) did quite a remarkable job in bringing this eclectic and interesting group of women together over the years. I'm blessed to have them in my life.

The Holidays

2011-12-09T14:50:00.000-08:00

The holidays are an unusual time. It is supposed to be a time of good cheer and hope and happiness. Yet, we stress over our families and our friends; our jobs; our money or lack thereof; buying gifts; decorating; etc. etc. etc.

Bryan will be home for the first Christmas in a long time. It was actually on Christmas Day, 2008, when my brother staged an intervention after Bryan stole from him; my husband got really angry and went to his mom and dad's for Christmas, and in a huge rain storm, I drove Bryan to BMC to detox. It was not the beginning of the journey; it was just an exit off the road of life.

Last year, when we still couldn't get together for Christmas, and he was ready to quit Narconon, he made such a fuss about missing the family and missing Christmas. So of course, this year I am excited that he is home and 2-years clean, working and doing well. That being said, he seems totally "uninterested" in the fact that Christmas is almost here. And it bothers me!

I know it is a minor thing to be concerned about. There are so many families and individuals that have so many major worries about the holidays (heck about life in general, and not just the holidays). But I admit that I was looking forward to a nice family Christmas with my son and I'm finding myself upset with him for not taking it seriously. So again, I am giving over my power of being healthy and happy in life to someone else (my son) and I need to make sure that I hold on to my power and manage my life myself.

Although I haven't been visiting the blogosphere a lot, everyone remains in my prayers.

Missing You!

2011-10-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

I realize that I'm missing you! I'm missing reading about your lives (although for some of you, I have a FB connection), I'm missing keeping in touch, I'm missing sharing and I'm missing our friendship. But I felt just a tiny bit better when I saw that on one blog that I follow, the writer had stayed away since January 2010! LOL I've only been away a month and a few days.

I have started telling people that the addiction cycle in my life is over and it is as if it never happened! I know that you will find that hard to believe and you may even think that I'm being unrealistic by looking at it that way. Honestly, that is how it feels! Bryan will be two years clean in 15 days without a relapse, without any drama, without any baggage or history to deal with. He will have been living with me for 10 months, and working full time the entire time (he was unemployed for two weeks when he got home and has worked ever since). His best friend, who he sees 4-5 times per week, socializes with, visits with, etc., is stable and has never had a drug problem. And now he and his friend are talking about renting a house together so both of them can move out of their parents homes at 23 years old. Wow! And I'll miss him if he moves out!

I've retitled the blog and I'm thinking about my life and my son's life in a very different way. I am so very blessed!

I realize that because I haven't had all the drama and negative aspects that some have had, that maybe I'm not realistic, or facing reality. I realize that I've probably stopped working on my enabling behavior, but to be honest, I don't really have anyone to enable anymore! If I ever end up in a relationship again, I'll need to be cognizant of this.

So what's up? I'm focusing on dealing with being single and 54; I'm focusing on finalizing my divorce, I'm focusing on making sure my job is going well (for 8 months or so it has been terrible, but there has been some significant improvement in the last two months), I'm starting to focus on my own health and well being again, although it will be a long, hard road; and I'm really starting to forget what it felt like to be an addict's mom...what it felt like to love an addict. I'm not gloating or bragging, and in fact it brings tears to my eyes for everyone that is either still involved, or just getting involved in this way of life. But I am grateful for what God and my son have given to me as a gift; and I do miss everyone!

Once a Month

2011-09-10T19:56:00.001-07:00

It seems that I've gotten to a "place" where I feel the need to write about once a month. I don't know, honestly, if this is because I simply don't want to step away from all of you that have supported me and loved me (and Bryan with your prayers and thoughts) or if it is because I think I have something meaningful to say. And if I'm thinking about saying something meaningful...am I trying for meaningful for you or for me? Hmmmm....

I had a couple of comments on the last post that I wanted to say something about. First of all, thank you for reading and commenting, both Shelia and GenRxation. I wrote my blog for probably 6-8 months before anyone started following or commenting and knowing that there were others out there dealing with what I was dealing with, was one of the most supportive aspects of the blogging community. It helped to keep me sane. With regard to your son, I am sure he was doing well, so don't let go of that thought and those feelings, even though he has relapsed. My brother's daughter, who is now 3 years sober and we are off to buy her wedding dress (present from her aunt...me) in a couple of weeks, once told me that every moment they are sober (his daughter/my son), helps to build on itself. It makes each relapse a little less time, and they get a little better each time and want to be sober. I think he was right. So don't lose HOPE...as long as your son is breathing there is hope for his complete and total recovery.

To GenRxation, and your worries about your Mom. Make sure you tell her how much her support means to you in terms of being sober. That is the only message she needs to here. I worry about codependency, because when my son was active in his addiction, I made bad/codependent choices quite often. But I made them out of love. Still, love or not, as time went on, I figured out that there was a significant difference between helping him in recovery and enabling him in addiction. I hope that your Mom can see and feel that difference.

You asked me if I lived with Bryan while he was in recovery. He lived with us when he pretended he wanted recovery. He went into multiple rehabs, we spent thousands of dollars, and we were always hopeful that the cure had been found. When he finally admitted that recovery was not what he was interested in, and I had learned a lot about enabling and addiction, recovery and relapse, we required him to leave. He O.D.'d...survived...and finally he was ready to go into recovery. We found a live-in facility and off he went. That was at the end of October 2009; and he finally moved back home with me in January 2011. He has been living with me since and it has been more than wonderful. He has been 100% clean with no relapses since October 29, 2009.

Today/Tonight, life feels good for me. I am working on wrapping up my divorce (yes, my husband left me after 23 1/2 years of marriage, because he reengaged with his high school sweetheart), but we have been separated for 1 1/2 years and I'm moving on emotionally and mentally. I am blessed to have a good job through this down economy and I've been with my company for 13 years. I am blessed to have my son back and living with me and it is almost as if the addiction never happened (except I still have nightmares about drugs). There is even someone who loves me, although I don't know if we will get together or not. As with all good things, it is a little complicated.

I love this community. You are my friends, my compadres, and my support. A couple of you I have met in person, and I feel blessed to consider you true friends. I can only hope that I provide the same support and caring for you that you do for me. And I'll be 54 this month, and I'm even ok with that!

Back in the Real World

2011-08-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have been back from Ireland for about a month; and haven't had too much to say. Bryan is completely fine; I am still trying to figure out how to get divorced, manage my 2-hour each way commute five days per week, continue to improve things at work (I've had issues with my boss especially since the first of the year), and even try to take care of myself (the Zoloft has been a God send).

I read a comment on Barbara's post (on the 12th of August, I believe) where Jackie (I hope I have that right because I don't want to go back and check) asked about whether the recovery rate for co-dependents is about the same as the recovery rate for addicts? I find her comment very insightful, especially because much of my co-dependent behaviors showed up in my marriage and clearly what I thought was working was not. And although I live every day thinking that I no longer have codependent issues related to my son, I realize that I may be fooling myself, and I may simply be basking in his recovery, and ignoring my own. Hmmmmm...something to think about.

In reality, that is why I still post and I still read. I learn something interesting every time I review every one's posts, thoughts and comments; and it helps me to keep my prayer list current as well!

A Wee Post From Ireland

2011-07-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

If anyone had told me 3 years ago that three years in the future I would be off to Ireland for a 3-week vacation; and that Bryan would be home alone in the house, taking care of my Border Collie, Whitney, I simply would have said "no way." But as I'm sitting here in Cork, writing just a little, it is exactly the way things have turned out. That's Brilliant! as they say here.

Ireland is everything that I thought it would be and more. We've had beautiful, dry weather, with only a couple days of rain. We've seen everything, every where we've stayed and traveled. We've stayed in lovely bed and breakfasts and a couple of very nice hotels. We've shopped...yes, I have Waterford Crystal being shipped to the house (and yes, I know they manufacture it in Poland now, but I don't care...it is still Irish). And one of the absolute highlights was visiting a working sheepfarm, where we actually got to see 2 and then 4 border collies (just like my Whitney) actually herd the sheep. It was amazing! The people are everything that you think about Irish people...warm, friendly and when you ask for directions in a market, they walk out to the street and point and direct and sometimes walk you to where you are asking about. The weather has been cool (in the 60's) and the landscape has been "kelly green" and every other shade of green!

My best friend, that I'm traveling with, has been an amazing travel mate, and we've had no problems. We were smart enough to get separate rooms every where we stayed, so that we could have little breaks from each other and that was also very smart. And only once did I drive the wrong way in a roundabout!

Having a wonderful, relaxing and tiring (the good kind of tired) vacation reminds me how important it is to take care of ourselves, no matter what is going on in our lives. I hope YOU are taking care of YOURSELF. I know how difficult it can be. But remember, as long as they are breathing there is hope!

I'm starting to think ahead in my life as it relates to Bryan; and I may retire the blog soon. We will see. Love and prayers to everyone!

Breakfast with Bryan

2011-06-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

Last week, I found myself asking my son, "Are you embarrassed to be seen in public with me?" This came from the fact that it seemed every time I asked him out to dinner he said, "No" and did not demonstrate any interest in spending any time with me. Then I realized that this feeling wasn't coming from him, but it was coming from me. I was choosing to look at it this way, instead of accepting that he simply didn't want to go to dinner.

So today I was leaving for a 3-day business trip; and Bryan came home around 8:30 this morning after staying over at a friend's house. He said, "I came home early so I could see you before you left for the airport." I thanked him and said "Do you want to go have breakfast?" He said, "Sure," so off we went for frenchtoast and and a waffle. We laughed about his work environment (I didn't know he had a key to the office and is usually the first one to arrive in the morning), and we laughed about the antics of his friends. We talked a scar on his wrist that I didn't recognize, and it happened when he was in high school, and he was having drama with his Dad and he cut his wrist on a nail in the attic. He said he could laugh about it now, but that was during a time when he didn't like his Dad very much. We agreed it was probably normal that he felt that way then, and he is good with his Dad now (except for the new girlfriend...Bryan doesn't really want to be involved in that relationship).

As I left for the airport, it was a good feeling to know that I could trust Bryan at the house. He will take care of things, exactly as I would expect (although it is not unreasonable to assume he'll forget to water the plants!).

It was a nice day's start to have breakfast with my son.

A Month Has Passed

2011-06-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

Time marches on, regardless of how we are feeling or what is happening within our lives. It's been a month since I posted last, and I posted about being sad. I didn't go back and read my blog before I started typing, so I don't know if I referred to "depression" or not.

In the last month, nothing much has changed. I continue to get up and go to work, with my commute logging about 70 hours a week. The divorce papers have been filed in court, and I'm patiently waiting for my husband to make an appointment and pick them up so he doesn't have to be served. I won't wait long, but I will give him time to take care of this. I had dinner at a couple's house last night and it really disturbed me, from a "time" point of view to realize this part of my life (separation and ultimate divorce) started in December 2009, when I realized he was having an affair. That was a long time ago. And here I am, this many months later, just barely moving into the proceedings for a divorce. No wonder I can't heal because I'm not moving the situation forward. Maybe now that I'm realizing this fact, I can move things forward and make things better.

I'm caught up in a tax problem which we are having trouble resolving, and my son is a 23-year old that often forgets that family comes first. I did see a new doctor and discussed with him the sadness. A couple of prescriptions have been given to me, although I just picked them up today and will start taking them tomorrow. At least one person has reminded me that the prescriptions I've been given are something that fetches good money on the street, so I need to be aware in terms of my meds and my son. I'd like to think that is not true, but better safe than sorry.

I have vacation coming up. I'm leaving on July 2nd for Ireland and will be gone a total of 16 days. It is the longest vacation I've ever taken. I am looking forward to traveling with a good friend and seeing new scenery; getting away from work and trying to relax. I do feel blessed that I can make the trip happen (financially and realistically). I need to clear my head so that I can enjoy this trip.

It still doesn't feel good to write about how I'm feeling, but I'm glad that I could sit down and type out some words. I continue to read blogs but it is a struggle to comment. I think about everyone though. I will work my way through this, of that I am sure. So if you are worried, please don't be. I write here because I know many of you understand from personal experience how I must be feeling and maybe even why. This feels like a safe place to say what I'm thinking and feeling.

By the way, Bryan is 19 months clean. Any my niece that is now clean for over two years (coming close to 3 years) just set her wedding date for June 3rd of next year. Time does march on.

I Don't Have A Right to be Sad...So Why Am I?

2011-05-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

I am a huge fan of Chick Flicks. You should see my collection of DVDs! When I go to the movies, I go to escape. Therefore, I want some comedy, some love, some romance and most of all, I want a happy ending. In this movie, Minnie Driver is the recipient of a heart transplant (of course, she doesn't know the heart comes from David Duchovny's wife who dies in a car crash)...and of course by the time she realizes it, she is madly in love with David Duchovny! But as stated above it has a happy ending. What's my point of all this? Before she meets David, she is visiting her doctor for her regular check-up and she is "having a day" "feeling depressed" a "little sad." The doctor ignores her, but mumbles "Everyone has days." Her response is "I should never have a day!" She felt that because she was the recipient of this heart, and someone else had to die for her to get it, she should be eternally happy! She should never have a sad moment, she no longer earned the right to be depressed or blue.

I feel like this is me (and no, I have not recently had a heart transplant and forgotten to blog about it!). Bryan is 18 1/2 months clean, working a full-time job. I no longer hide my purse; and I gave him $200 cash earlier this week to pay the neighbor for some work around the house...and I didn't think twice about it. Life isn't perfect, but honestly I have my son back. I am learning who he is as an adult, and I like who he is. I love him without much in the way of restrictions.

And I'm sad and depressed; and I feel guilty about it. I cry every day. I cry on the way to work; and I often cry on the way home (lots of time to shed tears with a 2-hour commute each way). I'm struggling to do my job because I'm sad. I feel trapped in a co-dependent crisis/circle. It feels like everything around me is my fault. And I'm not sure why. It's one of the reasons I haven't blogged too much (seems wrong to whine about how I feel when there is so much pain and agony in our blogging world). I realize how many parents have so much drama and pain they are facing; and I haven't forgotten what it felt like. I feel like I don't have a right to be this sad when Bryan has been blessed with a solid recovery.

Usually I think feelings like this will pass. This time it doesn't feel like it. Maybe I will just spiral out of control with a really hard landing. I don't know. But I'm really sorry to everyone because I feel like my sadness and my blog is trivializing how everyone else feels and I don't mean to do that. But the truth is that I don't even want to turn on a good Chick Flick and wait for the happy ending. I don't feel a happy ending anywhere in my present or my future at the moment and it has nothing to do with Bryan.

Gosh, I hope this is just a moment.

FOUR!!!!!

2011-05-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

There were many times that Bryan ended up in the emergency room while actively using...a dog bit him in the head twice; he had appendicitis; he overdosed; he broke his wrist. Most of the times, except maybe the appendicitis, I wasn't involved much...I heard about it after the fact.

So today the phone rings and it is Bryan (although I didn't recognize the phone number). He tells me he is on his way to Urgent Care because he took a golf ball to the face and he's bleeding below the eye. Wow. What happened exactly. He said his ball was on the ground (obviously not on the green), and there was a short brick wall out in front. I imagine he thought he would be hitting the ball over the brick wall, but he hit it into the brick wall, it ricocheted back and hit him right in the face.

He called back a little later and said he was at the Urgent Care. He said the bleeding had stopped and he was just waiting for the doctor. "It's not hurting much, Mom." I said "Well, just wait until they start poking around it. It will hurt then!" He thanked me for the cheery thought. He said the nurse that checked him in said that he may not need stitches and they can "glue" the wound closed to eliminate a scar later. He will decide with the doctor.

After we hung up, I thought to myself, "Should I have reminded him not to accept any opiate based pain killers?"

Happy Birthday to You

2011-04-10T10:25:00.001-07:00

Next week is Bryan's 23rd birthday. It almost seems surreal that we have had four serious years of addiction and addictive behavior and 17 months clean and he is only turning 23. His entire life is ahead of him -- this is the HOPE we talk about all the time.

I've learned from Bryan that he was 11 or 12 when he started experimenting with both alcohol and drugs. He moved on from weed to Oxy, to meth to LSD and other drugs that I don't even know the names of, and of course, heroin (which seems to be the drug of choice in this generation). I learned officially that he was addicted in March 2008; but I knew he was doing "something" for at least a full year before that. Many rehabs and an overdose "later," he seems to have hit his bottom, and is working his way through sobriety. Every day I thank God for his sobriety; and every day I remind myself that he is one needle away from being back in the addict's cycle of life. But I am no longer making that my focus. He has choices every day that he needs to make.

This is the first birthday I will be celebrating with him sober and clean since he turned 18. I'm excited and thrilled; and he is very layed back about it. I'm hoping to come home from work early enough so that we can go out to dinner; and then after dinner I will give him his birthday present, which is a new flat-screen tv which he has been asking for. I went a little over the top but the truth is, it felt so good to buy him something he wanted and not to be worried about what will happen to it (at least for now, and I don't project to the future anymore...at least I try not to). I just feel like I have my son back and I want to enjoy him!

I was thinking back to when he told me about being addicted to drugs (he did not admit to heroin although he was already shooting up multiple times a day), I thought to myself, "Great! He's told us, no more lies...we will just get him to a doctor, get treatment and this will be a little bump in the road of life" (yes, at that point I knew nothing and was completely enmeshed in solving the problem and moving on). I learned as everyone else has...the hard way...that you can't fix this for them; and you can't love them out of addiction (if only we could). I learned about rehab and relapses, I learned about the stealing and the lies (still a sore spot for me, by the way...the lies more than the stealing even). I am grateful to God that Bryan managed to stay out of the legal system (never arrested!) and that gives him an extra boost as he moves forward with life because he does not have a record.

I'm not sure if there is a message to this post. I am happy for my son that he has his life back (today anyway based on the choices he is making), and I'm happy for me to have my son back. I missed him terribly while he was "gone." His birthday is next week and I want to celebrate and as with everything else, I feel like sharing the good with this community because I love you all.

One more positive note...If you've read my blog for a long time, you know I've mentioned my niece (brother's daughter) who went through about 14 years of addictive behavior. She is more than 2 years clean now and recently got officially engaged. She is "mommy" to Michael's 6-year old son and she is a wonderful mom. I'm so proud of her, I don't even have the words to express it. Yes, there is HOPE! Happy Birthday, Bryan!

"Driven" to Post This

2011-04-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Usually, when I write on this blog, something comes to mind that I want to say in this forum, and I think about it for an hour or two, or sometimes a day or two, and then I write. I had been thinking all morning about writing about the conversation I had with Bryan last night (we went out to a semi-pro hockey game together...yes, on a Saturday night) about the fact that his Dad and I are getting a divorce and how he feels about it. I learned a lot and wanted to share.

And then a little while ago, after reading several blogs, commenting on a few and generally getting reconnected to everyone this week, the topic changed. It became very clear to me that I needed to say out loud, "Bryan drinks alcohol." I felt as if I didn't blog on this, that I was somehow lying to everyone, at least by omission. And that, friends, made me feel very odd and a little unhappy. This is the place where I don't keep secrets and we discuss the ups and downs and the ins and outs of what our children (for the most part) are doing and how we feel about it. I realized I had not said this out loud and I had not talked about how I feel about it.

I feel no concerns about his alcohol consumption, but I watch for signs as to whether I need to have concerns. At this time, he drinks the same way I drank in my early 20's ... party one night a week and maybe have a drink with dinner if I went out (as long as someone like my parents or my date was paying). That's what I see him doing. I haven't seen beer "disappear" from the refrigerator, I haven't seen him miss one day of work. His party night is Friday night after work, and he even got up and went to work yesterday morning, because he had committed a favor to his boss (and he was paid for the time). When we went to the hockey game last night, he had one beer. I don't know. After he had been home about two weeks (so mid-January) we had words about drinking and I told him then that I would not go through with him, with alcohol, what I went through with him with drugs, and if drinking was based on a driving need (addiction), then it would be best for him to find somewhere else to live. We talked it through, he said it wasn't a problem, and I haven't seen it to be a problem. I believe that I wouldn't be thinking about this at all if he had made it to 23 (next week) without a drug addiction.

I know many people will feel the need to tell me to watch out...he is substituting one substance for another. I know that some people will tell me that if he is drinking than he is not clean and sober. Maybe someone will say just keep an eye on him because not every substance is a trigger for addiction with every addict. Please feel free to say what is in your head or your heart. I admit that I worry about alcohol, not so much because of Bryan's drug addiction but because his grandfather (my Dad) was an alcoholic and I am well aware of what it looked like and felt like (to live with an alcoholic).

I feel no reason to ask Bryan to leave at this point. For now, he is living a normal life, and I am very happy to have him home with me. We are getting reacquainted because he had been MIA for 4+ years...did I tell you that he told me that he started experimenting with drugs in 6th grade???? 11 or 12 years old???? I still learn something every day that I find overwhelming. I still don't know how he survived.

Anyway, I needed to say it out loud. I needed to tell you. Now I will go dry my eyes and put together some snacks because my best girlfriend is coming by to talk about our vacation this year. Did I tell you we are going to Ireland? :)

My Codependency is not about Addiction!

2011-03-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

For years and years, I would say to people in discussions about growing up and family, that my Dad's drinking did not negatively impact me. I convinced myself that the fact that I took care of everyone and everything was simply who I was...it helped me be successful in my job (human resources) and it helped me to be strong. I didn't label myself as codependent...hell, I didn't even know what that meant.

When I started family meetings regarding drug addiction I didn't really understand why I was writing letters to my Dad and to my Mom and voicing how I really felt. I didn't understand how being codependent and feeling responsible for the weather when it would upset my husband was simply wrong (and yes, I did sometimes feel responsible for the weather...LOL). I didn't understand that how this behavior was impacting me in terms of "the spin" in my world and how trying to control everything was not healthy or productive.

Today, I am separated from my husband...his choice not mine...and I realize that all I did in a codependent frenzy for all those years did not bond him to me. He did not appreciate my actions or the fact that I was controlling everything. Today, I am still in human resources and I'm working on letting those that report to me be responsible for their jobs and their successes and even their failures. Today, as a Mom of a recovering addict, I am learning that I only assist him if it is my call, not his, and I am being careful about whether I have expectations of him through any of that. And today I am still codependent, but I continue to be cognizant of it and work on it.

When I start feeling like my response to a situation is about control, I try to pause, and think about it for a second before I move forward. Interestingly, it is always easier to think about "what if XX was telling me she was doing this, that or the other thing for her family, for her boss, for her spouse, etc. What would I think about it?" It sometimes helps and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I do whatever it is anyway and then feel frustrated later. Oh well, no one heals overnight.

My point is that I am not having any real drama with my son at this time. 17 months clean (in two days), and healthy and happy. He seems to be living a normal life for a 22 year old; and I continue to have hope that this will all continue. (I do have to be especially careful about controlling through my expecatations.) But I am still codependent. And so in an odd (very surreal way) I am sometimes a little bit grateful in terms of my own learning through this journey (but of course, I wish he had never tried any drugs in the first place).

I continue to learn and accept that the only individual's behavior and choices I can control are my own.

Trust

2011-03-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Trust is a funny thing. We instinctively trust our kids. As they get older, we might give them cash, or if we have the financial means, we give them a credit card with their name on it. We may even give them our ATM password so they can run to the bank for us. Then drugs come along and after many weeks, months and sometimes years of denial, we stop trusting completely. I read a lot in our blogs about "never trusting them again."

Bryan has been home (living with me for approx. 10 weeks). He is 16 1/2 months clean. I left for Montreal, Canada on business last Sunday morning, and I didn't call and check in with him until Monday night. He said, "Mom, I thought you would call me last night. It seems like you trust me." I thought about it for a moment and I said, "I DO trust you." And I really do. Wow....

March is an Anniversary Month

2011-02-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

For some years now, I have felt uncomfortable during the month of March. Major life events have happened in March, and I'm the type that focuses on anniversary dates and doesn't let them go, whether good or bad.

On March 10, 1993, my Daddy passed away. On March 25, 2006, my Mom passed away. And the big one, of course, was that on March 27, 2008, my son admitted to having a drug problem and we officially began the journey. I use to think that I wanted to get some dark unhappy tattoo to commemorate the three dates (and no, I don't have a single tattoo). I use to think that as March comes around each year (inevitable, really), that I would need to take a leave of absence from work and just lay in bed for the month.

And then last year, we had another date to add to our March anniversaries. On March 12, 2010, Bryan graduated from rehab. Yes, this was his 5th attempt at formal rehab and at the time, who knew if this would be something that he would turn into a definitive moment, but still, God gave me a positive event in March to write on the calender and to start to balance out the negative things in this particular month of my life.

Most everyone that reads this blog or that knows me outside of the blog world, knows that Bryan is doing well. He is 16 months clean, he is working full time, he is living with me (he moved back home at the beginning of January), and for today, nothing about drugs are part of his world. He even paid me $180 cash this week, from a loan of almost a year ago! Can you remember the last time your son or daughter had access to $180 in cash and it didn't go directly into their veins? He has a ways to go in order to have a full-on adult life, but he is doing a lot of the right things. I still don't agree with every decision he makes in terms of how he socializes or who he hangs with, but those decisions are not for me to make. And for those still facing struggles as parents, I recognize it is easy for me to sit here and say that I don't worry about him anymore (which I still do) or want to control his choices (which I still want to do now and again), because he is clean. I understand the struggles because I have not forgotten them. I think about all we've been through every night when I still carry my purse into my room and lock it up when I go to bed (maybe its a habit I will never break). Most importantly for me, I worry that I have not made enough progress in terms of managing my codependent tendencies, and that I am simply feeling good because he is doing well. I think of this often as I'm trying hard to manage my own life and my own recovery.

All that being said, "Happy March" to everyone. I do believe I can look at March on the calendar and see that it represents a new beginning. Maybe the tattoo needs to be spring flowers! (And no, I am still not really brave enough to get a tattoo but I'll let you know!) And one more thing...I have started divorce proceedings. It is time to move that part of my life forward as well, since Mitch left me a year ago and has made it clear that he is not coming back.

It is a Small World

2011-02-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

It is a small world, and every bit of experience we have may translate to something that can help others. I was reminded of this on Friday. I made an appointment with an attorney with regard to my upcoming divorce. (Fast facts: married 23-1/2 years; my husband left me a year ago; he's dating his high school sweetheart and he took her and her two teenage boys and my son skiing/snowboarding this weekend). Anyway...

I met with her at noon yesterday, and in describing some of the history, I mentioned my son's addiction. She zeroed in on it and we spent the next hour, with my answering question after question about Bryan's journey, decisions I made, the different rehabs he went in to, what seemed to help, what didn't help, etc. So of course, at the end of that part of the discussion, I asked her "who in your life is dealing with drugs?" She said it was her 17 year old daughter and her drug of choice is heroin. It breaks my heart.

Needless to say, I answered all of her questions the best that I could, and I also added many many disclaimers that I was not any sort of an expert and that the questions I answered for her were based on my personal experience only; and how Bryan chose to do things. I did share with her my blog address; and told her about the list of blogs she will see. And how the people in this community have been loving, supportive, helpful and understanding through all of the drama related to Bryan's addiction and the impact on me and our family. I encouraged her to read every one's posts and to comment or ask questions when appropriate. I told she could be as anonymous or as open as she felt comfortable being. I was really glad that I have this community to refer her to.

Quick update on Bryan...he has been working for the last 2-3 weeks (almost full time) transporting vehicles for a man that own a vehicle auction house. He has three kids that have all been through addiction so he definitely "has that t-shirt." Bryan is doing well working for him, up every morning at 6:30 a.m. to head off to work around 6:50 a.m. (only men can do that); and he seems to like it. This weekend he is off snowboarding in Utah with his Dad; and his girlfriend and her two teenage boys 15and 11. This is the first formal meeting; and I admit that I'm pretty freaked out about it.

Co-dependent alert!!!! Being codependent isn't just about an addicted son. I'm worrying about something that I have no control over. What if my son really likes her? And why should that matter? He will still be my son and that won't change.

I don't know if my attorney will come into our blog world; but I know if she does, she will find help and solice from all of you. And in terms of lawyer humor??? In our meeting she shared with me that when I call, she automatically bills me for 18 minutes (approximately) per call. So she said, don't call 10 times with 10 questions; call once and we will go through all the questions then...it will save you money. So at the end of the meeting, I told her to call me anytime, no matter what, if she needs someone to talk to, someone to vent to, etc. And I told her that I don't bill in 18 minute increments! hahahahahahaha. She laughed too!

Getting to Know Him

2011-01-30T16:51:00.001-08:00

Bryan is 15 months clean (yesterday). I use to think I shouldn't post anniversaries or dates because the minute I would post it, he would relapse. There have been no relapses during this time frame.

He has been home three (3) weeks and it hasn't been perfect. I instigated a serious talk with him last Saturday; and I told him that bad choices on his part would lead to moving out. I told him that I was not going relive the past with him. It appears he heard me...we will see.

I can say that overall, it has been wonderful having him here. I have learned that I don't particularly like living alone (which I have done for the last 9 months), and having Bryan here brings a certain happiness and joy into my life (I NEVER thought I'd say that ever again). He plays with Whitney (my 6-month border collie) and she loves having a big brother. He talks to me about life, his friends, regular stuff and he is thoughtful, intelligent and funny. He seems to care about whether I am giving him money for "play," and he continues to look for work. When I ask him what he is thinking about in terms of a career or making a living, he says "I haven't given up on medicine." Just hearing him say that is amazing to me! For a long time I didn't think I would want him back in my life (living with me), but so far (and yes, I realize it has only been three weeks) it has been good for both of us.

I have actually started to wonder if I will ever stop counting the months clean, or if I will ever think of him as anything but an "addict" (whether recovering or not). It's very hard to imagine that I might get to that stage where I just think of him as my son, but I am seeing glimpses of something in him ...something not related to addiction and drugs. I really enjoy those moments, I must say.

Improving My Attitude

2011-01-16T08:18:00.000-08:00

I scrolled through the blogs that I follow and God was paying attention to this, today. Because it seemed that every blog I read, without exception, had a message of hope and joy (at various levels) and what I read over and over again, that everyone is enjoying the positive moments they are having with their addict. Hope is high and expectations seem to be in check, and that is what I needed to read and think about and execute for myself.

Bryan is going great! He is now 14 1/2 months clean (really clean with no relapses in that timeframe). He wanted to come home and live with me. He wants to go back to school and he wants to find a job (and he's looking). He is keeping his room clean and his clean friends are happy to see him and they are not shunning him or pushing him aside.

The tension and nervousness that I have been feeling is mine and mine alone. I have to Let Go and Give it to God. Even if I have to get up 15 minutes earlier than I do now, I am going to start that tomorrow morning and make sure I take time to meditate and pray; I am immediately going back to the gym and kick start feeling better physically. I am going to give myself permission to find "happy!"

I'm sure that there are things I get out of being sad, out of dealing with life the way I choose to do so. And that means, like an addict in recovery, I will slip occasionally. But that being said, I am the only one keeping myself from moving forward in a positive fashion and Darn It (That wasn't the exact term I'm really thinking! HAHA), I think I've had enough. I am going to focus on the positives...after all:

God will grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
He will grant me the courage to change the things I can (my attitude and focus); and
He will give me the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you to everyone that posted something positive as God lead me to all those posts this morning.

5 Days and Counting

2011-01-13T22:26:00.000-08:00

Bryan has been home for five days. He actually came a day early (last Saturday) as they told him he didn't want him to report in to work that final day. He seemed really happy to be home; and I seem well.....a little nervous.

I thought about one post in particular by Barbara. She expressed such joy that Ant was being released from jail and they would have a family reunion (of sorts). Her happiness came right through the computer screen. I know I don't feel like that about Bryan. I love him so very much (my only child) and I know that it is good for me to have someone else living in the house. Yet, I feel on pins and needles; and I can only hope that feeling will go away with time.

Bryan had his first major disappointment. A clean friend all but promised him a job where he worked; and when it was said and done yesterday, he didn't get the job. He doesn't appear crushed by this, but we all know about idle hands. Last night with encouragement from his Dad, he said he might sign up for a class to get back in the school swing of things. It certainly won't hurt; and he is filling out applications. Keep your fingers crossed for him.

In the meantime, I'm having some struggles at work which I hope I will be able to get past quickly and I will soon start the process of filing for divorce because my husband, although he doesn't want to be married, doesn't want to handle the details either. So even when ending the marriage, I am going to have to take the lead on moving this forward.

I'm really tired, so I'm going to give in to it and go to bed.

New Year and New Changes

2011-01-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years! 2011! There was a time in 2008-2009 that I probably thought I would drop dead from exhaustion and mental pain before I ever saw January 1, 2011! Well I made it!

In most of the blogs I perused this morning, I realized many are taking steps to grow and change and take care of themselves. All good goals. I feel very much the same way. I feel like I've been doing this forever (dealing with addiction) and I want to be done. The really odd thing about this comment is that my son is 14 months clean, so you must be wondering, "What is she complaining about? 14 months clean! I would give anything for my addict to be 14 months clean." I understand your wonderment about how I'm dealing with this.

Let me try to articulate. There was a time a long time ago, that I thought if Bryan got clean, he would simply morph into the young man that I raised him to be. He would go back to school, get a degree, start a career, get a girlfriend and move forward in life as if this addiction thing didn't happen (yes, I was very naive about the entire addiction thing). Today I understand that his maturing process stopped while using, and he still carries with him a lot of the insecurities that probably led to addiction in the first place (not to mention that he has an addiction gene...which is the way that I explain why he can't be a social user/partier and still lead a normal, productive life). So the last 14 months, while promising and I'm forever grateful to God for keeping his hand on Bryan's shoulder, doesn't feel completely real. It won't feel real until he is able to deal with being clean while out in the real world (he has been in the rehab environment either as a student or a trainee or a worker the entire 14 months).

Flash forward to 8 days from now. Bryan is moving back home. He has not lived here since Christmas Eve 2008. He decided he did not want to work the entire 2 year contract he signed at his facility (he has worked 6 months); and he wants to come home, get a job and go back to school. Sounds like a plan, sort of. But honestly, what happens if he can't get a job, has too much idle time on his hands, starts to think he can be a social user and gives it a try? Well, I guess we will just have to wait and see, won't we. I am thinking about my conversation with him about curfews (without addiction, I would not give a 22 year old a curfew); about chores/rules around the house; do I lock up my purse and all valuables again; do I leave things as they are and wait for something to disappear and then deal with it? These are things that honestly I hoped I would not have to deal with.

In 28 days (countdown 2), I will have been blogging for exactly two years! I started my blog in order to keep a few close friends and family informed as to how Bryan was doing and how I was doing dealing with his drug use. It turned into something so much more meaningful for me, when I started getting comments and finding friends. Ron has been there since the beginning, and Barbara, and Fractalmom and a few others (I apologize if I left your name out). I've seen some people come and go...I've read about addicts overdosing and dying and I've read about those that are doing well. I feel connected to this community in a way that is very special, so thank you.

Oh yeah, 7 days from now, it will be one year since my husband told me he didn't want to be married anymore. Other than the fact that he moved out, no formal action was taken. So in 2011 I will have to take the lead in filing for divorce. I don't want another year in limbo, where I'm married and not married all at the same time.

2011 will not be a quiet year for me, but hopefully it will be a good year. And that is what I hope for everyone...that we make the most out of what we are given and it turns out to be a good year.

Having a White Christmas and a New Tradition

2010-12-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days and a lot has happened since I last posted. Bryan went from coming home immediately (I would have lost the bet...he's not coming home before Christmas), to coming home in a couple of months (which allowed me time to adjust and get ready) to coming home on January 8, 2011. As a Mom, I vacillate between having my son home (this is when I feel like my expectations are really high) and being excited and having him home and being scared to death about the potential of all that could happen. In either case, I'm not being realistic because I'm not waiting for reality to see what will really be.

I feel sooooo guilty as a Mom that I am not thrilled about having Bryan back in my life. 14 months clean and I am not allowing myself to be excited or thrilled about the success that he has had so far. Why is that?

I am up in South Lake Tahoe for a white Christmas with my brother and his family. It is nice to be with him, but I feel a little bit like an outsider; as we don't get together a lot. They are all together constantly, except for my nephew; but the family is thrilled that he is home from medical school in Iowa. I shouldn't have to try to have a good time...it should just be a good time. Why can't I let go and just enjoy the moment? Maybe I'm not praying enough or maybe I'm not praying for the right things. I don't know. We planned this trip months ago so that we could see Bryan every night of the week and I was thrilled to have a wonderful Christmas with my son and my brothers family (no husband this year, after all); and Bryan broke the rules at Narconon and was shipped off to another facility 5-6 hours away. Working 10 hours a day, 6 days a week means no time to drive and see us. And now he has decided to leave Narconon and 2011 will be a new year.

I realize that at this time, I need to focus on the positives in my life, including how well my son has been doing, and quit projecting negative thoughts about what could happen. I know that everyone that reads this blog understands how this happens, and I realize only I can change what is happening in my head (if not in my heart).

I will start by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas; because in our world, when we speak of hope, I think it has a very different meaning!

This Time Was Coming...Am I Ready?

2010-12-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

Of course Bryan wasn't going to stay at Narconon forever, although I prayed hard that he would work out his two-year contract. No...he's decided he wants to be done with Narconon and come home. He wants to move forward with his life (I thought helping others was moving forward), he wants to go to school although he hasn't voiced for what, he is disturbed that if he doesn't see us for Christmas it will be his third Christmas without his family.

When he emailed me yesterday and said he wanted to have a mother-son talk, I knew exactly what was coming. I can't recount the entire conversation but I did tell him that ultimately it was his decision. After all, he signed the contract and agreed to work for two years, not me.

Did I say to him, "You can't come home?" No...I couldn't do that. Am I worried about wht coming home means? Yes, I am.

I did tell him that successful people make plans and then execute those plans. If he wants to go to school, he needs to do research...what school, when will it start, how will he pay for it, etc. I reminded him that there are no jobs in the Inland Empire. And when he told me the driving factor is that he isn't happy, I asked him what happens if school doesn't go well, what if he can't find a job, what if... what if... what if? Will future unhappiness lead to relapsing and taking heroin, because after all, doesn't it make you happy, at least for a moment? Yes, he is 14 months clean, but in a safe environment. I know there are drugs everywhere but he is connected to the drug community here. Yes, I'm worried.

I called his father and we talked for an hour. And it was a good conversation...probably one of the best that we've had in the last year. He seems to understand better where Bryan is and he seems to think that this is not a bad thing. I so hope he is right. He isn't even home yet, and I locked the cash I keep in the house up in the safe this morning. I suppose that was to make me feel better. Gosh, I hope he doesn't have a key to the safe! (I wonder if this feeling ever gets better.)

I think I should be happy that my son wants to come home to live; I certainly have missed him for a really long time (the last time he lived here was Christmas Eve in 2008). I feel overwhelmed; and I just hope that I can find a little bit of happiness and that this works out. I don't have a date quite yet; but if I was a betting woman, I think he will be home before Christmas.

Difficult to Write

2010-12-04T17:17:00.000-08:00

I have found over the last month that it is difficult to post. Partially because Bryan's situation changed (which I posted about), and I've seen such a change in his attitude that I don't want to commit it to "paper." Now I am really trying to let go and let him be in charge of his life. I can't do any more than that.

Partially because I'm immersed in my own depression with the holidays and the fact that this is my first Christmas without my husband in my life in 25 years. It is particularly difficult because he is around (he came over without my asking and got all the boxes out of the attice with my Christmas decorations, and he's coming back to put up the lights) yet his attitude towards me is so distant. At best, I now feel like the girl that lived next door for 25 years and so when he sees me he is pleasant but it is as if we were never connected. And I admit it hurts.

So instead of posting I went on line and started reading other people's posts and some made me feel good (Her Big Sad's daughter coming home); Mady's post on support in the blogging community; and some made me feel a little sad like Barbara's post regarding Keven. When our children are in recovery, deep down (at least me) we hope for them to immediately turn into the young adult we dreamed about them being. But of course they can't, because the drugs change them, maybe forever; and they have to relearn life without drugs, and how to interact and how to take care of themselves, and how to be happy. It is quite the undertaking. And we have soooo much to learn as well as their parents and loved ones.

So after reading these posts, I thought I needed to write about how I am feeling. So thank you for giving me this forum. I am going to turn off the computer (it's only 5:30 p.m. here ...west coast) and although I really don't want to do it by myself, I'm putting up the Christmas decorations; and hopefully some of my depression will lessen and I'll continue to move forward. And hopefully Bryan will continue to move forward. I can only hope. Love to everyone.

Remaining Grateful

2010-11-26T09:46:00.000-08:00

First and foremost I want to wish all that read this blog a very Happy Thanksgiving. Family and friends, food (especially knowing so many are going without...some by choice and some through no fault of their own), good cheer and hope are all part of the Thanksgiving holiday.

I am grateful for many things. I am spending the Thanksgiving holiday with my brother and his family. My niece (whom I adore and is 2+ years clean) has been here the entire weekend. A friend of the family and a friend of mine joined us yesterday for dinner; and after we played games together, laughed out loud, watched a little television and simply enjoyed each other's company. It was wonderful. I am grateful that my son called, and he sounded GOOD (he had to work); and it looks like I will get to see him Saturday night and Sunday as well. I am grateful for really good friends who honestly care about me and some of them I will see over the holidays and some I will just keep in my thoughts and my prayers.

I am grateful for my husband's family that included me in their Thanksgiving last weekend. It would have been easy for them to exclude me, but they did not. We had a lovely meal together, played games and enjoyed each other's company. It was wonderful.

And of course, I am sincerely grateful that my son remains clean and sober and continues to work, helping others deal with their addictions.

Back to Worrying About Bryan

2010-11-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since my "worry button" was pushed to the "maximum" level, and maybe because it's been awhile, I'm out of practice and I'm worrying for nothing (of course, isn't that what we do when codependency swings into action?).

Last week, Bryan was asked to leave Tahoe. He did not relapse in terms of drug use, but he got involved with a female student. He says to me it was nothing more than some flirting or talking (and I tend to believe that because if he had been caught having sex with her they definitely would have fired him), but he understands it is against the rules and guidelines for the staff, and for a serious situation (like getting caught in the act or getting a female student pregnant) it can put the facility's license in jeopardy.

So, what are the consequences? They immediately (next day) moved him back to Watsonville, which is about 4 hours away and it is their main facility. He has to work his way through an ethics violation (something usually reserved for students I believe) and he will continue to work at Watsonville until the current crop of students works their way through graduation in Tahoe. Then, maybe, he will be able to return to Tahoe.

I was devastated. Over-reaction? I don't know. The phone rang at 11:00 p.m. and the first words out of his mouth were "Mom, I screwed up." The first thought in my head was "S*^&"! (or maybe something stronger). I found myself being really angry at the impact this will have on my life in the next few weeks, I found myself thinking, oh my, this is step one down the wrong road to a wrong outcome. I found myself nursing all the feelings I've carried around for the last 4 years and had a break from in the last year. He said the right things, "Mom, I made a bad choice and now I have to face the consequences."

I reminded him of all the people that are impacted by this decision:

1. His roommate. He had just moved into an apartment with another staff person about 3 weeks ago.

2. His Aunt, Uncle and Mom, who rented a house in Tahoe to spend the entire week of Christmas in his vicinity. (Of course, now I definitely don't want to go, however my brother and his wife have decided they will still do Christmas in Tahoe.)

3. His fellow staff members at Tahoe who have been trusting in him to do his job and be a good example for the students in the program.

4. Himself. He was moving his life forward and taking control and good things were happening.

I know it could be worse. He could have relapsed with drugs, he could have been fired, he could be on his way back, thinking he will live here with me. Since this happened early last week, when I've talked to him, he has sounded somewhat "down in the dumps." I understand but will he use this as his excuse to relapse? I know that is his decision as well, but of course, I think about it and worry about it. I'm back to thinking and worrying about everything again, which is my own problem that I have to get a handle on.

When Bryan was active in his addiction, I really believed our lives would not change and I would be the Mom of an addict forever, and the stress and drama of it all would be a part of our lives forever. Last year felt "different." I worked on all of my issues and thought I've made progress. I focused more on my own life and the ending of my marriage (husband's decision, not mine), my job and trying to move forward through my own pain. I even thanked God for staying with Bryan, so that I wasn't piling my own worry and grief on top of my worry and grief for Bryan and his addiction. Anyway, I feel like I'm back home and I can admit, although I don't like to do that, there is something familiar about the stress and drama of worrying about Bryan. I recognize as a codependent parent that I "get something" emotionally and mentally from the worry about him. I thought I was better, but today, I'm not so sure.

We will all see together what happens with Bryan because like everyone else, I'm just a bystander watching, with a extra worry thrown on top for added flavor.

Will There Always Be This Feeling? Possibly....

2010-11-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

We talk a lot about "detaching with love." It is the approach of letting go of our co-dependency and our need to be in a death grip with our addicts life, while somehow continuing to always love them. (At least this is what it has been for me.) We detach at different levels depending on how long they've been addicted and we've recognized our codependency. Sometimes the detachment means no contact, no reaching out. Of course no money, and no running around talking to law enforcement, doctors, counselors, rehab facilities, friends and relatives on their behalf. Sometimes we partially detach, and we maintain some contact, we agree to pay for an attorney, or we agree to keep the cell phone active so we can reach out to them. Maybe we keep researching rehab options, just in case they ask us for the information. I've read blog after blog and post after post about how difficult it is to understand detaching with love and even more difficult than understanding it is to execute it.

So, why am I thinking about this? Bryan just passed a significant milestone, with one year completely clean. He continues to work full time at his facility as a Course Counselor and within the last 4 weeks, he moved out of staff housing and is now sharing an apartment with another employee at his facility. It seems like he is behaving as expected for a 22 year old. He's "patiently waiting" for snow in South Lake Tahoe so that the ski resorts open up (before the end of the month for sure).

I realize that when he was actively using and/or in some king of rehab moment, I learned to curb my expectations for him, I learned to gleen great pleasure from the smallest successes, and I often viewed small things as successes when in reality, were they? But I did that to keep up hope and to have positive issues to focus on.

Today, I don't know what to expect. And I can't buy in that I shouldn't have any expectations when I'm thinking about him. All parents have some expectations for their kids, even the "young adult" ones.

I was at a social function last night (wedding reception) and I spoke quite a bit with a woman that has known me for 10+ years (not closely but known me) and she was telling me about her relationship with her son. He is a freshman in college and moved about 4 hours away to a school in the middle of the state. She sold her house, packed up and followed him. He is good with that and they are as close as ever. She has never been to his dorm room though, because she wants him to have some part of life that he is growing in to without his mom there. However, if she has been alone for a week or two, her son will automatically call her and invite himself over for dinner because he understands that moving up there was hard on his mom and that she hasn't made friends or become really social yet. Clearly this conversation did something to my head as 24 hours I'm still thinking of it.

My expectations are that my son will never be truly "concerned" with my well being. My expecations are that my son will make his decisions based on what is most interesting/best for him; without thinking about others, including but not being limited to me. My son will continue to run his life in a somewhat selfish mode, even if it doesn't include drugs.

No, I don't want Bryan to feel responsible for me or have to manage his life around mine. That wouldn't right and I know it. But I honestly don't know what our life together is supposed to me. I am not complaining about the number of calls or lack thereof; and I understand we are 400 miles apart...there is no getting together for dinner. But I have had no training for this part. What to expect from my son now that he is one-year clean.

I feel like there is another chapter of rules and regulations out there that has not been shared. The "After Addiction Guide for Managing a Relationship with a Son or Daughter." Because the truth is, we can't go back and pretend that the addiction didn't happen and all is right with the world. My world changed dramatically when my son became an addict and then it changed again when he became a heroin addict. I guess there will always be a feeling, something unusual in our time together, our conversations, our plans and our life.

I hope you understand I am not complaining about his being clean. That is a miracle. I just didn't expect such an odd feeling to follow me through life...his life and mine. This is something else to accept and get use to, it would seem.

3 Days to Go - One Year Clean

2010-10-26T08:37:00.001-07:00

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that this Friday, my son will be one year clean. Forever, I would not have discusswed it until the day arrived...if I discussed it, I would jinx it. How silly is that? But now he is really clean. In the one year period, we have not had one relapse, he has not drank, he has not smoked pot, and he has not taken drugs. It is his miracle.

One year ago, early October, we were at our wit's end. We had taken away his car which he had crashed for the third time, he was kicked out of sober living, he was using again (we had 5 rehabs/treatments we had paid for and none had worked), we had asked him to leave our home and I thought the night he walked away, I would never see him alive again. I truly believed that. Only a few days later he overdosed. He tried to keep it a secret from us, but his sponsor found out and told us. He said if we didn't help Bryan, he would die. I'm not sure sponsors are suppose to tell parents things like that, but he did tell us and I look back now and I'm grateful he did.

Although we said we would not pay for any additional treatment or anything else, I found a live-in program that was 400 miles away and we asked him if he was interested. He said yes, he couldn't continue the way he was, and in about 24 hours he was there (you all know this drill). He has never left. He went through the program in about 4 months, applied to work there, was accepted and trained and in June he became a full-time employee. He works 60+ hours a week. He seems to really like it. He committed to two years as an employee. We will see if he can live up to that commitment.

I know that I didn't detach. I continue to demonstrate codependent behaviors with my son. I don't always hold him accountable for his decisions, and I often step in and help him (he just moved in to an apartment with a coworker and out of the staff house and I gave him money to make that happen). I've learned a lot over the last 4 years in terms of what it means to be a parent of an addict. I often know what the right thing is to do, but I don't always execute. I will always have codependent tendencies in my life/world, and at least now I generally recognize them, even if I don't always handle them the best way that I should.

I read everyone's blogs regularly (comment less than I use to) and I recognize how blessed I am as a parent with Bryan's progress. I don't take any credit for his recovery, just like I've learned not to take any credit for his addiction (still slip on this one once in awhile). I still hurt when friends tell me about their amazing children (young adults) and their successes in life...because I wanted that for Bryan. I don't dwell on this stuff but once in awhile, I wish my son was graduating from college and joining the ranks of the unemployed (ha ha ... just a little economic humor there). Still, at 22, he is living on his own (with minimal financial help from mom), has a full-time job and is helping people. That really is something to be proud of. One year ago, I never thought I'd ever be proud of him again. And although I don't dwell on this, I do know that things could change in a moment...he will forever be one needle away from relapsing and being addicted again. I will never forget that, even if I don't talk about it.

To anyone that read's this particular post, thank you for your time and attention. Thank you for listening and for giving me an opportunity to rethink some of what we've been through. Thank you for caring about me and for caring about Bryan. I can't imagine how I would have grown at all without everyone's thoughts, comments, and prayers. And thank you for always caring about my son. A lot of people we know stopped caring, but not you...not those in this community who understand the pain and heartache, drama and even small moments of joy that come from dealing with addiction...especially when it is our sons or daughters.

Change

2010-10-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Bryan and I are both facing change in our lives at the moment. I know that none of it is "bad," and change is inevitable, but it still can be disconcerning when you are in the midst of it.

I'm surprised that it actually feels like change in my life. I'm thinking that I haven't even settled from the 2010 changes earlier this year (marriage ending, job relocating to San Diego, mother-in-law passing, and the loss of my dog). Still last week I gave up the corporate apartment in San Diego and am back commuting full time. Why? Well, with the addition of my new dog, Whitney (I've now had her a month), I feel that she will be the most successful and happy in my family with her own yard that she knows and can run around in all day, and I didn't feel like commuting her between the apartment and the house would be the best thing for her or for us. And since I wasn't using the apartment, I simply couldn't ask my employer to continue to pay for it. So there you are.

Bryan's changes are a little bigger. Today he is moving out of the staff house and into an apartment with another staff person! He just really felt that he needed some additional space to himself (a bedroom) and he and Grant found a 2-bedroom apartment which will cost him about the same as his expenses in the staff house. I think this is huge for him and a little scary for me, but it is another sign that he is trying to move forward with his life. I thought about the drug use for a moment and realized that if he wanted to go back to using, he would do so whether he lived at the staff house or not. I just will continue to count on God keeping an eye on him. So there you are.

A friend (male...Oh My!) came over to the house yesterday and fixed the leeky hose, put up a Pet Guard on the sliding screen door, and filled the water softener tank, and in return I cooked dinner for the two of us. I haven't cooked much in the last 10 months (a little difficult to cook for one...I haven't mastered it yet) and it felt really good to putter around the kitchen. He appreciated the meal and I appreciated having all those little things fixed!

It does feel like change is happening around and in my life. I am focusing on the positive aspects of it.

A Day Off

2010-10-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm home today as my office is closed in honor of Columbus Day. And I admit it was nice not to have to face the drive to San Diego this morning. But I've been giving this a lot of thought and although I have a horrendous commute (1 hour 45 minutes to 2 hours each way), it could be so much worse. I love my home and it is allowing me to have a new puppy in the family (she is already completely acclamated to the back yard and it is a good environment for a dog. Shade, grass, room to run (a few places to dig), etc. She's made no effort to escape from the yard, and with each passing week she is growing and getting out becomes even less of an issue.

I actually work for a great company and I have a great job. As the head of HR and Marketing/Communications, I get to be involved in a lot of the things I enjoy (I've been in HR for close to 30 years), and I have a lot of institutional knowledge (being there 12 years) and it is appreciated by those that are newer to the organization. Although we have been hit by the economy, not nearly as severely as other companies. (Although we are likely to feel the economic impact more strongly next year than we have in the last two years).

I don't know where life is going to take me. I know that my husband wants to move back into our home early next year when his lease is up...and he will tell me, "You can't continue the drive...you need to move closer to work!" But I am going to remind him that it is not his decision to make. I will make a decision about moving when I am ready to do so, and not before. It will be a difficult conversation because everyone keeps telling me how unhappy he is, but I choose to believe it is not my responsibility to make him happy (I tried to take responsibility for that during most of our marriage and clearly that didn't work out). He will have to figure out his world as he has made the decision to be unmarried.

Bryan is coming up on 1 year clean (with no relapses and no substitutes and no drama), and we are blessed by the choices he is making. The truth is that he is extremely lucky that through his ordeal he avoided legal involvement and that allows him to move forward now without jail time, parole, probation, court-ordered anything. I can only say he is very lucky and blessed. I won't make a single excuse or even believe for a minute that it was based on what he did or didn't do as an addict. He was just "lucky." I'll never really understand why, but now that he is doing well, I'm glad for him that he doesn't have the additional issues and drama to deal with.

I admit that I don't spend much time worrying about Bryan any more (well, worry still slips in but not the horrendous fear and worry that I once felt and that many parents are still feeling). Maybe, in God's way, he gave Bryan the courage to move forward so that I could have the necessary internal energy to deal with all the changes in my life. I don't really know.

Have a delightful Columbus Day (and a Fall Day...I'm going to buy pumpkins to decorate my walk today even though it is going to be 89 degrees today!)

What if Something Would Happen to Me?

2010-10-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

I found myself wondering, "what if something would happen to me?" No one, with the exception of the people I work with, expect to see me every day...and if something happened on a Friday night or through the weekend, even people at work would not have a clue.

There are no friends that I talk to every day and many many days could pass. I had one friend who was calling every day to say "hi," but that has stopped. That person's life has become a little complicated and the attention (rightfully so) is to take care of the family's complications.

Family...well, on a good week, Bryan calls once; and I'm fairly sure that if I didn't answer the phone he wouldn't be concerned. He'd assume I was busy. It could potentially be 3-4 weeks before he might say to his "dad," I haven't talked to mom for 3 weeks? How decomposed is a body in 3 weeks time? I'm just wondering. Mitch and I are talking less and less. Once or twice a month seems to be about it. My brother and I really don't talk much. His wife might notice if I didn't get on Facebook after a week or two.

After my Dad died in 1993, I made a decision that I would call my Mom every day. I didn't want her to feel that an entire day could go by and she wouldn't talk to anyone. Of course, from 1993 to 2006 when she passed, I didn't call every day, but I called her a lot and I spent a lot of time with her. Yet I'm sure she had days when she felt alone in the world. It's a difficult feeling to live with, and I just wish now that I would have spent more time with her. I do believe, though, that she knew I loved her.

When you've been a couple with someone for a long time (23 1/2 years), you don't really think about being alone. In fact, you often cherish the moments when your spouse goes out of town or something so that you have a few minutes alone. Maybe I cherished that time too much during our marriage. Maybe that's one of the reasons he left. I didn't invest enough in the marriage...I thought I did...but when you have a lot of alone time to think about it, a person can be very critical of themselves.

What if something happened to me???

Learning About Life

2010-10-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

When we agreed that our son could "buy" his car from us, I said to him, "I don't want to be in a position to have to remind you constantly and beg for payments." He said he understood and he was committed to paying.

However, all his payments have been late. And I do feel like I'm in a position to beg him for payments. I emailed him last week and reminded him that we were in to October and the September payment had not been received.

He called me instead of emailing a response! He apologized for buying his latest tattoo without taking care of his car payment first, and he made a plan to pay me. I'm not overly excited about all of this, but I am happy that he is talking about and recognizing the right thing to do. And that is really the point. On the calendar he is a 22 year old, but due to his addiction he is more like an 18 year old and he has some learning to do. I'm okay with that.

He continues to focus on his sobriety, and he continues to learn how to behave. I have nothing to complain about. I feel blessed at this moment.

It's Been a Long Time

2010-10-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

What have I been doing in my life that has impacted my desire to write? And yes, I can be honest and say it is about desire and not about whether I have time. I have computer access 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...there is always time.

I went on vacation, up to the Eastern Sierra's and I got a puppy! You may remember that I lost my beloved Taylor (10 year old husky/akita mix) earlier this year, around the same time that my mother-in-law passed away. Because of my very intense work schedule, I try to spend every other minute with her (her name is Whitney as she was born under the shadow of Mt. Whitney). She is a aussie-border collie mix, and she is 11 weeks old.

The downside:
1. I'm back driving back and forth daily between Yucaipa and San Diego so that I am coming home to her every night (arghhh);
2. I'd forgotten how much work a puppy is!
3. Potty-training is not easy!

The upside:
1. Unconditional love.
2. She requires a lot of attention and focus; which means I am not thinking about other things.
3. Unconditional love (can't say it enough)

Bryan news...at the end of this month, (the 29th) he will be one-year clean (really clean/no relapses/no substitute drugs). It is a miracle and something that I think about every single day. I managed to see him for a dinner and for breakfast when I was up north in September; and with the exception of the new tattoo and the fact that he still needs to learn more about managing his budget, he is growing up and moving forward in life. His Dad called me Thursday to ask if I'd talked with Bryan. He said he'd left multiple messages and texts and had no response. I said, I had talked to him on Sunday and all seemed fine. After hanging up, I felt the old familiar "warmth of worry" flood through my heart...had something happened? I hugged Whitney, placed one call to Bryan to register a missed call on his phone (I never leave a voice mail, because he NEVER checks them he says), and tried to let it go. About 30 minutes later, he called. All was fine, he had called his Dad, and he said that he told his Dad "Don't call Mom...you just make her worry when you do that." I was able to say that I didn't worry too much and was everything ok? He said everything was fine with him...just busy with work. The worry "cooled" and I told him I loved him and we ended the call.

A woman that worked for me for the last two years passed away from cancer last week. Her health deteriorated quickly...she stopped working in May and was unable to return. She was truly a lovely woman...someone who managed to be "who she was" in every environment...church, work, home, with friends...we all saw the same Laura all the time. No pretense, no pretending. She was a joy to work with and I will continue to miss her. I know that death is part of the circle of life, and I know she is in a better place, with a new body and no more pain from cancer, but it is still painful.

Oh yeah, the weather in Southern California has been so odd! On Monday, we had our hottest day ever recorded; and the last two days we have had thunder and lightening and rain and sun ... and rainbows!

Today, we are off to our first vet appointmetnt!

Never Give Up Hope!

2010-09-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

I felt compelled to write tonight, while crying. Maybe it is because the Stand Up 2 Cancer Show is on and it is touching my heart, but the tears are more likely tears of joy and relief. I just spoke to Bryan.

It was a wonderful call. We talked about how well he is doing and feeling. He talked about the fact that one-year clean is coming up soon (October 29) and he is excited about the thought of being off drugs for a year! We talked about the upcoming holidays and how we can get together and what my family is planning and he sounded excited that we are making a plan to be with him.

I know the day in and day out feelings that include:
1. What drama will my addict bring to my life today;
2. Will he survive another day;
3. Will he be arrested and if so, will I actually be relieved;
4. What has he stolen; will he ever take responsibility for his life;
5. What did I do wrong as a Mom;
6. Is it my fault?
7. Will we ever get our life back?

Regardless of what you are feeling tonight (and some of the above are simply not right...but we feel these things anyway (like 5 & 6 especially), don't give up Hope! Please Please Please don't give up Hope!

I'm crying tonight, because of the amazing joy I feel about my son and his life choices, a mere 10 months after his near death experience. Don't give up Hope, because your son or daughter can get here to. Don't give up hope, especially for yourself because you can feel better about your life, your family, and your beliefs regardless of what happens with your addict.

Don't give up HOPE!

My Own Recovery...Not Today

2010-09-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Labor Day...my first Labor Day/end of summer weekend alone. My estranged husband just spent some time with our son. Apparently it was a nice visit (he bought him things and they went bowling and watched the fireworks over Lake Tahoe. Grandpa went along). He doesn't ask Bryan if he made his car payment, so that resides with me. (I sent Bryan the reminder email this morning). My husband continues to worry about his own life...a single life. I understand. If he wanted to be concerned about me, he wouldn't have left in the first place, right?

I, on the other hand, hear everyone loud and clear when they tell me it will take four years for me to truly be better. That seems like a really long time. The length of time I've honestly known my son was a drug addict and that feels like forever. So I am working really hard to take care of myself, to keep my life moving forward, to love my son without actively parenting him (he is 22 after all). But I have a lot to learn in terms of focusing on myself. I have to overcome a lifetime of being codependent and taking care of everyone else...husbands, son, mom, dad, friends, coworkers, etc. Really, an entire lifetime of "unlearning" to do. Before I honestly understood codependency and simply accepted this was the type of person I was, I believed people in my world were grateful for all I did for them. Surprise! They probably didn't want me to do all that I did. It was, apparently, more for me than it was for them. I just didn't want to realize that or admit that out loud.

Some days, like today, it is really difficult. Everyone that "mentioned to me" we could get together this weekend ended up making/having other plans. A hike was tentatively planned (didn't happen), a barbecue was tentatively planned (didn't happen), and a movie was tentatively planned (didn't happen). I thought I had done a good job of having back-up choices...certainly at least one of these events would take place. Not this time...holiday weekends are challenging. I miss having family (my husband's family) to get together with. They use to all come over to the house, and I fed everyone and they swam in the pool and sometimes we played Trivial Pursuit and had a good time. Not happening now. And they've moved on to other things. They don't seem to miss getting together.

Sorry...I'm feeling sorry for myself today...sorry. And I don't feel like there is anywhere else to put this, but here. Tomorrow I'll go back to work and be busy and next week I'm taking a week of vacation and will drive up to Northern California and go somewhere that my husband and I never went to, because I don't need the additional pressure of the memories. And I am looking forward to vacation. So today I'm not really working on my own recovery, but I'll pick it up again tomorrow.

What Did I Do?

2010-09-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

I don't always follow-up a post with the next step/issue/outcome? What is that I wonder? Well, it is because most often I've moved on to another issue by the time I post again. However, today I want to follow-up.

Before I do, I want to thank everyone that commented on the last post. All of the really positive comments and feedback came when I needed it. I honestly get wrapped up in my life drama (the ending of my marriage, the fact that it didn't work with the therapist I started with (I'm likely to blog on this at another time), my job change, etc.) and you all said I handled the call with Bryan in a positive way! I know that I have to make my decisions about Bryan regardless of what others think, but your positive feedback really made me feel good. Thank you for that gift that you gave me.

Anyway, I waited until Tuesday night and called Bryan. We didn't connect until after 10:00 p.m. because he was working late (yeah!), and when I said, "I'm just calling to see how you are doing," he said, "Oh, I'm fine Mom. I feel better. Everything's good." Then he shared that one of the guys that was in the detox cabin with him back last October is now a fellow staff person, and they have the same day off and they both like to snowboard (and they live in South Lake Tahoe); so he is excited to have someone to snowboard with when the snow starts, and he is getting ready to get a new tattoo (I had to gently remind him he owes me a car payment) and he said he would pay me before he gets the tattoo; and he said that several of them are interested in renting a house on their own instead of through Narconon. I totally get this, because in the staff house, they have 3 guys per bedroom and they all want a little space to themselves. I told him that was great and I hope it works out. (Wow, I'm rambling)...Anyway, it was a good call, no drama and I hung up feeling good about how I handled the first call and how I handled the follow-up call.

I've mentioned this before. My previous counselor said that as family members, we have to learn a new dance, because as our addicts get clean, they learn a new dance. Hopefully Bryan and I are learning to two-step at the same time, so that when we get on the dance floor together, we don't step all over each other's toes!

A Call I Was Dreading - Thank Goodness Not That One!

2010-08-30T21:21:00.001-07:00

I had to put in the title, "Thank Goodness, Not That One," because I didn't want to scare anyone. So the very good news is that although Bryan called and for me it was a call that I've been worried about, it was not the call saying he had relapsed. So first and foremost I have to say Thank You to God for that gift.

It started Friday afternoon with a text, "Mom, I will call you tonight. I need some advice." Ok...I thought that's good. I like the idea that he recognizes I might have good advice regarding whatever his issue may be. I knew at that point it wasn't drugs, because I'm not the expert he goes to on that topic! (addiction humor! LOL sorry!)

He didn't call, and maybe I should have left it alone. However, I was driving home late Friday night around 10:00 p.m. and since I was on the freeway, it seemed like a good time to talk. I called, he didn't answer, but he called me right back...within two minutes. He apologized for not answering but he wanted to leave the staff house and get where there was a better signal. We talked for 30 minutes. The short version was ...1) He didn't enjoy work very much this week; 2) The students he is working with are all moving forward with their lives and have plans for school, etc., and he feels trapped in the environment; 3) Narconon saved his life, but he doesn't want it to be a crutch and he works Narconon, lives Narconon and all his friends are in Narconon. You get the theme. My heart was sinking. This is the first "negative" call I've had with him in ten months. (Wow...yesterday was 10 months clean and I didn't even notice the date.)

I quietly commented that everyone with a job feels overwhelmed by it at times. And that feeling will pass. I reminded him that he is still young and has his entire life in front of him and he can go to school if that is what he wants to do. I reminded him that he is helping people and that is a great job. I reminded him that he can make friends in Tahoe outside of Narconon, he just has to give it some energy. There was a lot of back and forth and at the end of the call, he said it helped.

I've spent the last three days thinking about this call. We all feel this way about our own jobs/careers on occasion, and we give advice and support to our spouses, significant others and friends when they call us and tell us they are frustrated with their jobs, lives, husbands or wives. Isn't that really all this call was from my son? He admitted to being a little homesick and work was a little more of a grind this last week...hopefully next week will be better.

Thinking about this call led me to realize that because my son has lived with addiction for four years, I assume he can't "do normal." I assume that unless he is eating rainbows and pooping butterflies (thank you Dr. Seuss), he can't manage. The smallest, most insignificant issue will push him back to drugs. The sorry thing is that it may, and I can't do anything about it. I know that, of course.

What came out of this call? I haven't called him back or talked to him since Friday. In year's past, I would have called him every day to see how he was doing, and how he was feeling. I would have made it okay to continue to feel bad. I would have helped the escalation. I didn't offer to let him leave his job (he signed a 2-year contract) and move back home. I didn't offer to figure out a way to get him back in college. I just gave small advice, that maybe I would have given to you if you had asked me for some advice about career, job, etc.

I was dreading this call, but grateful that it could have been so much worse.

Which Side of the Fence Are You On?

2010-08-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a trend in our blogging community...have you? There are definitely those that say "they are posting the truth," and everyone eventually needs to buy in. Then there are those that post their experiences, their thoughts, their decisions and their worries.

I tend to think that everyone is posting the truth...their truth. For some, either due to the length of time their loved one (most often their son or daughter, but not always) has been addicted, or the severity of the addiction or the amount of drama they have been through they have detached completely and hope that eventually everyone else will get to the same place. There are others that are partially detached and each decision they make to assist is a difficult decision to make, but they try to make it based on their heads and their hearts. Not everyone reading about those decisions agree, but everyone generally posts comments and responses with love and respect to the writers (which is why I love the support of this community). And there are some people posting that are just exploring the issues of addiction, either because they have just acknowledged their sons and daughters addiction, or quite often, the situation has elevated and they are looking for some answers, but mostly support, and understanding.

I try not to give my opinions as facts and truth (I don't always succeed and I know it). What seems to have worked for my son for now, does not work for every addict and every family. I'm just grateful for the moment that it has worked for him, for now. But I come here and I write and I think out loud, and I read and I comment not because I'm looking for someone elses truth, but because I am looking for caring and understanding; and I am looking to learn. And I learn from each other's posts. So I want to thank everyone for writing your own blogs and for commenting on each other's post. I learn as much from the comments to other posts as I do from the posts themselves. Thank you for continually exposing me to new ideas and thoughts (not just on addiction, by the way). It's almost weird to say, but I really love this community and all I have gained from it.

Which Wolf Will You Feed?

2010-08-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have seen my therapist twice now. It's hard for me to know if this will help or not, in the long run; but I don't believe it will hurt me. She is a trained professional and her task is helping me figure out how to take better care of my emotions (brain) just like when I see my family doctor, his task is to help me take care of my body. Although when I see my regular doctor, I often think in terms of "cure," I don't see it the same way, working with her. She will not "cure" me. I'm not sure I'm mentally sick...but I am definitely out of sorts so I need to understand how to get back "in sorts." Although I want to say that none of this has anything to do with my son (I'm trying to not refer to him as my addict), the truth is, his addiction and my reaction to it, along with my husband's decision to leave me, my mom's passing, my mother-in-laws passing, my dog's passing, and my job moving all has something to do with the amount of emotion I have and how I'm managing it or not managing it.

My therapist shared this story with me, and I'd like to share it with everyone. It provides a powerful visualization of what is happening inside with my emotions. I apologize because I don't know the author.

An elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He told them, "A fight is going on inside me, a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other represents joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, huility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and every other person as well." The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied "The one you feed."

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend; and in whatever you are working on/struggling with, you are able to take at least one step forward; and if not, at least zero steps backward. And don't feed the angry wolf.

No Contact Means Nothing (Continued)

2010-08-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that sometimes I'm angry at Bryan about the "no contact." He dragged me, sometimes kicking and screaming, into the sordid and ugly world of drugs and addiction. And he doesn't seem to feel it necessary to share the world of recovery. And although I don't think about it constantly, it does sometimes leave me feeling angry about the entire thing! (Sorry, I just needed to say this out loud and there is no where else to say it).

I don't mean to sound ungrateful about his progress...this is much more my problem/issue than his!

No Contact Means Nothing

2010-08-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't talked to Bryan for a couple of weeks. As a mother, it is difficult for me. But in my attempt to stay detached and let him live his life, I am not calling or attempting to drag him in to my immediate world.

In a way, it feels like a step backward, I felt very disconnected through the active addiction (the roller coaster ride of rehab-relapse-rehab-relapse), although I talked to him all the time. But of course, then it was lies, manipulation and drama on his part and codependent control on my part. But it was daily.

My therapist, when I was in family group said that when our addicts get clean (whether they are our children or our spouses), we need to learn a new dance. The addict is learning a new dance and if we don't do the same thing, when we start dancing together we will just step on each other's toes. It feels like I'm doing a waltz and Bryan is hip-hopping away!

I described my relationship with him to someone the other day as "fractured." She said, "Interesting choice of word...not broken but fractured." It may be difficult for her to understand because she has two adult children that grew up with zero drama, and have moved into adulthood as successfully as we all dreamed about for our addiction children (at some point). She also commented that it surprises her because Bryan and I were so close before the drugs...I guess that is evidence of the new dance that he is dancing.

I started seeing a therapist for myself, by the way. I've only had one appointment (the one where I spewed history all over her) so I don't know what this will do for me. We will see how it goes. What I do know is that I still feel a fair amount of depression in my heart and in my brain; and I need to work on that. Everyone keeps telling me that my recovery will be 1-2 years, and he only notified me that the marriage was over the beginning of January, so I have some time to journey through. She gave me some hope saying that the amount of time that passes is not the deciding factor. I hope she is right. In discussing my life (I had no one to list as emergency contact on my paperwork and that left me feeling like there was a hole in my heart), she recommended I start attending Alanon meetings. I have to figure out where...San Diego or Inland Empire. (She was thoroughly impressed by our blogging community, though, and I told her that I consider my 63 followers to be my family at this point! So thank you to you, my family members!)

And word on the street is that he is feeling so much better (calmer and happier were the two adjectives recently thrown out in a conversation by someone that knows him well and sees him regularly). Good for him, I guess.

A Sign of Becoming an Adult

2010-08-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

I received Bryan's first check (payment to me for the car I turned over to him several weeks ago) and yes, I'm running to the bank today to deposit! (LOL) He actually paid the payment, plus the loan payment which we agreed to and an additional $40 towards the loan I gave him.

I don't care about the money at all, of course, but it a lesson that he has to learn; how to handle money, how to handle life, how to life up to his commitments. Today I feel blessed with his progress, his continued joy working at Narconon, and his 9 months clean.

It is true that God only gives us what we can handle, even when we can't believe it. With my own life on a continued rollercoaster, I don't know what I would do today if I was constantly worrying about Bryan as well. I still live with the feeling that it could change at any moment (he's only one needle away from a relapse...I understand that), but living with that feeling is nothing compared to the pain of active addiction by our sons and daughters. Have a blessed day.

What Am I Writing About?

2010-07-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

Am I writing about my relationship with Bryan...my relationship with my estranged husband...my ability to let go in any aspect of my life? I've worked on being in control since I was a very young girl (my Dad was an alcoholic and my job was to control the environment so that my Mom would be okay, so my Dad would be okay) and I became really good at it. REALLY REALLY good at it. By the way, I'm sure that is why I'm in Human Resources today as a profession. I'm still pretty darn good at being in control and that position/profession quite often allows for that.

Then in my first marriage (very short... 3 1/2 years...no children) I tried to be in control, but my husband drank too much and I decided I was not going to live like that. The way that I lived growing up. So I divorced him and moved forward with my life. When I met my second husband (yes, the one that left me earlier this year), I thought I was "over" being in control, I thought I knew what traits I needed in my husband, and I thought that he filled the bill. But I spent the next 25 years being in control in our marriage (it seemed he wanted it that way). There were significant moments of drama during the years, things that I believe most women would not have put up with. I always said to him, "We'll be okay, I love you, it will be fine." When I did tell him he needed to get help in order for us to stay together, he never got help and I never did anything about it. Don't misunderstand, we had some wonderful times together, and there was definitely more good than bad. Then Bryan came along and there was 18 years of being a really good family; and then drugs/heroin came along and eventually I realized that I was once again trying hard to control the situation. And as many of you know, not very successfully.

I continue to work on the issue of control, enabling, feeling the need to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge any more. I don't want to control what other people do.

I realize this post is a little disjointed and maybe difficult to follow. That is what I'm feeling tonight...disjointed and a little difficult to follow. I'm going to let that play itself out in my head, and tomorrow will be better...less about control.

Do You Believe in Karma?

2010-07-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I believe in karma or not. I'm not even sure I can define karma...although I've used the term heard all of my life. It makes me think of the saying "What goes around, comes around." I do believe that God, although allowing us free will, sends messages and events our direction to make us think and sometimes feel (good or bad) and sometimes so that we can react.

Bryan experienced some karma today. He called me at 8 a.m. this morning to notify me that his car was broken into last night; and what was stolen was his iPod and the adaptor. He had CDs sitting on the seat of the car and they were not taken. He said to me during a subsequent call, "Mom, I spoke to the police department and they are working with an informant tracking down a series of auto break-ins where electronics and things are stolen. But I am not likely to get my iPod back because this is the type of electronics that goes for drugs." (Bryan already knew that.)

I said to him, "I'm not trying to be mean or say that you deserved this, but it feels a little like karma." His response, "I already said that out loud to someone else!" (and he chuckled) So we talked for a second about him being the innocent victim of a crime, most likely born out of someone looking for something to trade/sell for drugs; and now, he might understand for a minute what some or all of his victims felt like. I did remind him that in the entire scheme of things, this is not that bad...his entire car could have been stolen...and so his overall attitude was good.

Anyway, other than the hassle and the cost of getting the window fixed; and the fact that I just bought him that iPod as a birthday present in March, it is not a big deal. But maybe it is karma!

Reinventing Ourselves

2010-07-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

I changed the title bar of my blog this week, trying to better express my relationship with Bryan and the purpose of this blog. A little bit of reinvention. I've moved part time to San Diego (a few days a week, still spending the weekends at home). A little bit of a reinvention. Today is the day I'm starting back to the gym. A little bit of a reinvention. It is all I can do, one step at a time.

Bryan has returned to South Lake Tahoe. He told me it feels like he is home. There was some "drama" in his life with the transfer. His friend in Watsonville who was being transferred to Tahoe with Bryan was fired...some fraternization with students and not exactly following the rules. Bryan was "bummed" but my perception was that he was not going to let it bother him. As I've commented on this before, I don't know if he is swallowing his emotions or if he is just not that emotional. It is hard for me to say for sure, although when I think about his life in totality (and not the active drug years) he was never very emotional. For me, a pile of emotions, I think his approach might be the best way. It doesn't matter though because he is what he is.

I found myself "spinning" the night he drove back to Tahoe. Spinning was the term my counselor always used when I would get sucked in to Bryan's drama and change everything in my life attempting to fix his problem, control his problem. You know...when you call their cell phone 25 or 30 times in one hour because you can't get ahold of them and you are assuming the worst? Anyway, his Dad told me he spoke to Bryan and Bryan was REALLY UPSET about his friend being fired. I needed to call Bryan and check in with him and make sure I told him that this is how it works some time and not to let it get him down. I had already asked Bryan to let me know when he arrived in Tahoe and of course he didn't. So when I called about 10:00 p.m., his phone was turned off (or out of juice, but I preferred to think he turned it off because that is more dramatic). I called a couple more times, and then I cried, assuming the worst, and then I called back and it rang, but he didn't answer. I don't leave him voice mail messages anymore because he admitted he never checks his voice mail. Anyway...he called me back about 15-20 minutes later. He was fine and glad to be back (that's when he told me he felt like he was home). He was a little bummed about his friend but no more than I would be if someone I liked at work was fired (oh wait, I'm the head of HR...I would probably have been the one to fire them! HR Humor! LOL ... don't worry I take disciplining employees and firing very seriously and luckily we rarely release people). Ok...so I know you get it. Even now, writing this, I can feel the spinning of my actions...how I wanted to take some responsibility for what was going on with Bryan, and somehow fix it for him. Not my place, not my job. A momentary relapse. I have to continue to reinvent and work on my own recovery from codependency.

I don't need to think of myself as a parent of an addict (whether he is in relapse or he is in recovery). I am just a parent of a 22 year old man, who is working on his life, as are many 22 year olds. He has the potential to make really great choices or really poor choices. I'm his parent either way. I love him either way. The focus on his addiction, relapses and recoveries is my problem, not his. Now all that being said, I will occasionally spin out of control, because I'm human and I'm not perfect.

And I'm praying and thinking of all of you, my friends, who are also surrounded by your loved ones relapses, choices, activities, etc. My heart hurts for each and every one of you. Drugs are simply evil.

Another Saturday Night

2010-07-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

It's another Saturday night...quiet, hot outside, no plans. I haven't spoken a word for the last three hours. I feel a little tired, or maybe a little alone. I can't quite tell the difference.

The apartment had some challenges last week ... it flooded... so I ended up only being there two nights, and I spent the rest of the time back at my house. So overall for the week, I commuted a little less; but I ended the week also realizing that I don't really want to be away from my house. Driving a bit less was better, but this has been my home for the last 18 years, and it is about the look and the feel; it is about the "things" in the house that have made up my life; and although there are memories and ghosts here, they are memories and ghosts of the good times as well as the not so good times. I really don't want to give up either. I will definitely drive a little less, but I will also make sure I am spending time at my house, which is still a big part of my life.

Bryan's very quick visit to pick up the car went fine. He arrived Sunday night and I picked him up at the airport. He looked so handsome when he came down the escalator (I included a recent picture but it is a little difficult to see how cute he is, in it). We came straight home and talked on the way (nothing important) but it was late when we got home so I went to bed right away. I was a little nervous that he'd jump in his car and leave, but there was no evidence that happened. I think he actually enjoyed being in his room, alone, watching television, because he has not had a room/space all to himself since December 2008, when he last lived here. I left for work in the morning and spoke to him about 10:00 a.m. and he left to drive back around 10:30 a.m. He sent me a text when he arrived at 5:30 p.m. and I haven't talked to him the rest of the week. Even without talking to him, I know he is happy to have the freedom and control of having a car again. I have to allow him to be an adult now and handle this.

Good wishes and prayers to everyone. I think of everyone often...what is happening in your lives with your loved ones (addicts and nonaddicts alike). I pray that everyone is getting the support and caring that they need as they struggle through life. In a book I just finished (memoir regarding a divorce...go figure, huh LOL) she said, "Life is Good. Life is Hard. These two things unrelated." It is such a simple statement and it is true,regardless of whether your drama is your marriage, an addict, health problems, job problems, relationship problems, family problems, money problems, etc. Life is Good. Life is Hard. These things are unrelated. I'm also going to start working on me again, by finding a good counselor and getting some professional support.

Doing Things for Bryan ... Normal Being a Parent or Over the Top Enabling?????

2010-07-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

When I was regularly attending family meetings, earlier this year, the counselor often talked about the difference between giving a hand up while an addict is in recovery, versus enabling when he/she is active in their addiction. It made sense to me to hear her say that. But even since Bryan has been clean (and yes, I've loaned him money, I've given him some money, I've bought clothes, shoes and food), I sometimes wonder whether I am helping, or am I enabling? Is he moving forward with his responsibilities or am I holding him back? Sometimes I don't know.

Today, I spent the day doing for Bryan...almost all day. It is the first time in a long time that I have done that; and he didn't ask, he didn't even know. As I said in the last post, he is flying down tomorrow night, to pick up his car, and drive it back on Monday (his only day off this week...he works 6 10-hour days each week). For the record, I hate all car things and always have. Don't like to buy them, don't like to service them and really don't like to drive, although I drive 200+ miles a day right now. My husband always left me to do car stuff and it annoyed me to no end, because he knew how I felt about car stuff...sorry, I digress.

Anyway, a male friend of mine who adores "all things cars," came over and checked the oil and other fluids, made the check engine light turn off, which I was glad; and generally gave the car a once over. He wanted to pull off a tire and check the brakes and when he did that, we learned Bryan had no jack in the car and no spare tire (I wonder how much heroin you get for a car jack and/or a spare tire?). Anyway, we went hunting for a steel rim (very very very hard to find) and a tire. We went to a small local tire place that said they had one, and in the end they didn't, and then we drove around to 3 other places. When I was about in tears, thinking that Bryan would drive back to Northern California with no spare in his car, we stopped at one more place, and they had a rim and a tire and for $48 dollars, we came home with a tire that we could put in the trunk so that he had one, just in case. We also stopped at the auto parts store and bought a jack so that he would have one of those as well. I felt so much better. It was a busy afternoon. I did receive a text from Bryan indicating that he purchased his auto insurance and they would be emailing me proof of insurance.

So he didn't ask me to give his car the once over, but I did; and I feel better now that I know it is in pretty good shape and he isn't likely to break down on the drive back.

It's Saturday night and the funny thing is, that my husband and I rarely went out on Saturday night (maybe a movie once in awhile but it was rare). However, even if we sat around and watched television, or simply brought home take out for dinner, we were doing it together. I struggle with Saturday nights now, for sure.

For anyone wondering about my crazy commute, on Friday night I picked up the keys to the apartment (corporate housing at no cost through the end of the year), only 5 minutes from my work. I decided not to move down there full time, quite yet. I'm not ready to give up my house that I've lived in for 18 years (which I really love and have decorated with care), so right now the plan is to stay down in the San Diego area a few nights and then come home (maybe mid week), water the plants and bring the mail in; and then come back home probably on Friday nights or Saturday mornings and spend the weekends here. Slowly I will be down there more and more (I will have to find somewhere to rent by year end), but I think it will feel more like a transition rather than abandoning my life, and that should be better for me. We will see. I haven't discussed this with my husband quite yet, because I believe that as soon as he knows I'm out of the house, he may want to move back into the house. I'm not ready for that quite yet. I hope that doesn't sound petty of me, but he told me that when he was leaving me he didn't want to change my life any more than he already was. (Wasn't that generous of him?)

I've been reading a book on "loss," by the way, and I'm amazed that I have not experienced much anger yet...still mostly sadness about the change in life. I'm sure anger is coming, but I don't know when.

Back to Bryan and the car...he arrives at the airport at 10:40 p.m. tomorrow night and he will leave to drive back to Northern California on Monday morning (7-8 hour drive, depending on how often he stops and traffic). He is moving forward with his life, I guess; as am I...I guess.

I Hate the Car! ... and Lessons On Letting Go

2010-07-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Bryan has asked for his car back. He has said he will pay us for it (monthly payments), and he will provide proof of insurance before I turn the car over to him. I will transfer the car into his name so that effective immediately, it will be his issue and his responsibility. He is DESPERATE! for the car. He is flying down on Sunday night as Monday's are his day off and he plans on driving it back on Monday. And I'm starting to feel sick about it.

This is about nothing else but control and not being able to let go. After all these years, and group meetings, and blogs and talks and tears, have I not learned anything?

1. He's clean. I have no doubt about it. His driving record is good. Shouldn't I be okay with this?

2. I don't want him in the car, with money in his pocket, able to drive around our city...too many bad memories, too many drug dealers, too many opportunities. I know that he can get drugs anywhere...he doesn't need a car and he doesn't need to be in our town for that to happen.

3. I have felt calm knowing that he doesn't have a car to get around. It means he had to rely on others at the facility, it means that when they went to the beach someone else drove, it means that he wasn't out at night. Nothing is changing but the car. He is still working at his facility, he is still motivated and in good spirits.

I feel like I could continue with how and why this is making me feel sick. The logical side of my brain reminds me that the car has nothing to do with drugs, it is just a car; and it is one more step for him to take full responsibility for his life. Yes, we could have said "no," we won't let you pay us for the car and we won't give it to you. It is in our name at this point. But I'm not clear what the value in that would be?

I'm really exhausted (all my driving back and forth to San Diego) and I'm worrying mostly for nothing...I know, I know. I need to reread the lessons on effectively "letting go." I'm off to bed as 5 a.m. comes early.

2010-07-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

For the first time in what feels like forever, I am surrounded by people that love me. My brother, my sister-in-law, my niece (and even "her son"...he's the son of her live-in boyfriend and they have physical custody. He refers to her as Mom and I pray that God has a plan to keep them together), and most importantly to me, my son! We were able to have dinner together (my son and I) on Thursday night, and he has been here at my brothers most of the day...we bbq'd, watched a movie, went and bought some shoes, and have hung out. Only once, did I feel the pain of my separation, and Bryan's Dad not being together for a holiday; but the pain only lasted for a moment. My son asked me if I was okay, and I told him that I was feeling the "change" in my life. He said he understood and in a few minutes it was over. It will be hard to let him go tonight, because he has to work tomorrow and then I drive home on Monday. But it has been a really wonderful time and I feel so blessed and grateful to have spent the holiday with him and my brother's family.

My sister-in-law made me a wonderful scrapebook of our trip to Disneyland and Club 33 last March. It is fantastic. To have something special filled with those memories; and more importantly that she took the time to put together. Of course, I cried (I cry all the time...but they were tears of joy). She gave it to me yesterday, referring to it as a "pick-me-up." My heart was touched.

As I said before, I've been reading a lot of blogs...sometimes making comments and sometimes not. I feel a lot of pain, and hope, resignation, rejuvenation, sadness and anger, love and caring when I read the blogs. For some of the journeys that I read about, I've never been on that road; and for others, I feel as if I've walked exactly in the same shoes. In some cases, I haven't felt the same level of sadness or anger, and in some cases, I feel like I've felt all that same pain, sadness, anger and more. I hurt today for everyone whose addict is still suffering and for their parents, their brothers and sisters, girlfriends and boyfriends, and their sons and daughters. We are celebrating Independence Day and what I hope for everyone is independence from the evil, horrible thing called addiction. Whether it is the actual addict himself/herself or the parents and family members that have their own demons to struggle through. I just wish for everyone to have love and caring in their lives; and if you are struggling that tonight is the first night that the struggle becomes just a little less.

Thank you to everyone out there that keeps Bryan and me in your thoughts and your prayers.

Finding A Challenge in Blogging

2010-06-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

I don't have a challenge in reading and commenting on other posts. In fact, I feel really good (and even helpful sometimes) in reading and commenting on blogs. More importantly, I still learn from every single blog, and every single comment. I think about how to love my son without enabling, and although I know I still make wrong decisions at times as it comes to him, I am much more aware of it and continue to work to expand my relationship with him while letting him take responsibility for his life. And while I sleep better at night and currently worry less about relapse than I use to, I never let my mind completely close to the thought that he is a needle or a stressful day away from relapse.

I also think that some of my challenge in writing is because I am somewhat consumed with the other aspects of my life; and although I manage things "well" most of the time, I still have moments (evenings, an hour here and there, sometimes an entire day) where I get all negatively wrapped up in the emotion of the change.

So I will continue to write as I have a need and feel like I have something to say, and of course, to keep those of you that care informed as to Bryan's status. I don't know, by the way, if this means anything about how I deal with Bryan's stuff nowadays, but today I realized that his 8-month anniversary for being clean was yesterday; and I didn't even notice the date and its significance until today! Less control on my part?...I hope so.

What's going on ...

Today I drove up to Northern California, and I am lucky and blessed because I will stay at my brother and sister-in-laws (remember, Bryan had to uninvite them to graduation because my husband said he couldn't be there if they were there); and I will be able to see Bryan. He is off on Saturday and we are going to BBQ with family (it was originally planned for Sunday but he notified me tonight that his day off changed to Saturday). With all that is going on, I am thrilled to have a day with all of the family that I love so much.

Slowly Turning a Corner ...

2010-06-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a good week; and yet nothing has happened or changed. Am I turning a corner? Could be...

For the first time in a very long time, I have felt calm and collected on the inside. Not that fake calm and collected where you feel like a duck on the pond (calm on the surface but paddling like mad underneath); but a real calm and collected. I actually wasn't worrying about anything. Last weekend was bad...it felt like "hitting bottom" bad...but most of this week, I have not had a negative under current.

I'm still driving 4 hours a day, although I've committed to moving into temporary housing near work around the middle of July. It's a start. My marriage appears to still be over; and my 24th anniversary is this coming Monday. However, right now, when I think about it, it is a sad but I don't feel like I'm suffocating under the sadness. Maybe I'm only taking a break from it, but whatever it is, I'll accept it. Bryan sent me a one line email this week confirming that he is now a full-time staff person (training is over) and his excitement over this was clear even in his very short, one line email.

So, I'll take these neutral feelings, these calm and collected feelings and I'll run with them for now. It feels a little as if I've gotten off the jammed freeway and I'm driving on a side street. Of course I have to drive slower because the speed limit is less, and there are all those lights that get in the way...but it is better to move forward on the side street than it is to sit on the freeway, not being able to move at all because of the traffic. I sincerely hope I can spend a little time on the side streets. I like the direction I am going.

One Year Ago...

2010-06-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

I went back tonight to read my posts of June 2009. I had not found most of you yet, so I was truly writing on my own, keeping a few friends informed and just trying to manage my feelings and understand my codependency.

A couple of interesting things I noted:

1. I really thought that Bryan living in a Sober Living House was all it took for him to get clean. WRONG.
2. I thought my husband and I were really connected during this time, but the truth was, that we were not as connected as I thought. I can tell reading my own comments a year later that I was dealing with a lot of this on my own. And my codependency tendencies were strong, so I felt the need to protect my husband as well, instead of opening up to him about what I thought and felt and discussing our options together. I'm sure that didn't help our marriage but at the time, I didn't realize it.
3. What a difference having friends in the blogging community makes. I hear your voices and your comments in my head even when I'm not writing and it truly helps. Thank you.

My heart was hurting last year at this time, because Bryan relapsed after 6 months of 12-step meetings and living in a sober living house. I was continuing to learn about addiction and about codependency. Today my heart hurts for other reasons, but one year later, Bryan is clean (in fact he is 7 1/2 months clean) and I consider it a miracle that he has been able to move forward with his life. I still know so very little about addiction and how an addict gets to that point and what the family's role is in all of this. It is a complicated and complex life that we live when we have an addict as a loved one. And it seems worse when it is our child, but that may be codependency talking...I'm not sure.

I am still scared for him every single day. I know that he is one needle away from relapsing; but I have to believe in my heart that he has turned the corner and wants to move forward with his life, and be drug free. I also have to find the strength to believe that if he relapses again at this point, I have learned enough about myself and my codependency not to relapse right along with him. We will see.

I sat down at the computer feeling sad (YES, AGAIN...SORRY). But for some reason, reminding myself of where I was a year ago, compared to where I am now, seems to have taken the edge off. I'm not sure why, but again, it is just evidence of how getting thoughts out of our heads and onto "paper," often help. So thank you for reading and being part of my life. THANK YOU.

Accepting Life As It Is

2010-06-13T10:43:00.001-07:00

Not much to say about Bryan. He appears to be doing well in Watsonville since his transfer. I make that comment because I see his minimal posts and a picture or two on Facebook; and he's called his Dad and told him that he wants to "buy" his car from us. His Dad seemed really open to the idea, and this is a big change because last October when Bryan crashed his car while driving high and we took it away, his Dad said he would NEVER give him the car back under any circumstances. I texted and asked him to call me, but the truth is I was having a difficult night last night and part of me is glad he didn't bother to call. He is not interested or should he be interested in how his mom is doing emotionally. I never want to put him between his dad and me.

At this point, I believe Bryan will say that he will pay us for the car (monthly payments most likely), and whether our payments happen or not, we will see. He seems to be more responsible as it comes to work (new behaviors since getting clean), but he has a long way to go. At his age, I was married to my first husband and we had already bought our first house. Bryan doesn't seem to have that type of focus as it relates to budgeting ability, desire, etc. But he appears to be clean and continues to work in the program and appears happy when I do speak to him. I can't really expect more than that.

6 months into my "life changes," I am struggling, and I can admit it. I spend 10-12 hours a day at work, but I admit that I don't get 10-12 hours of work done. It is a struggle. I drive 4 hours a day to work and back now; and although that is a challenge, putting the relocation wheels into motion are a struggle. I'm not working out as much as I should (I maybe get to the gym 1-2 times a week, which is not enough to really help me); and I am struggling with the social part of my life, which is somewhat non-existent. I know that I can find clubs and groups to interact with, get more committed to a singular church so that I get to know people better, etc. It's just that I don't know what I want out of a social life, so making these choices and executing them is a struggle right now. I do have good days...days where I don't feel like crying and I feel "normal," and I have not so good days where I find myself slipping into a "failur mode": Failed as a mother, failed as a wife, and sometimes feeling like I'm failing in my profession. These are just moments and as long as they retreat and I get a break from failure mode, I know that I will be okay.

Last night, for the first time ever, I thought maybe I can hide behind some medications or something to make this feeling go away, for a little while. You know what? I didn't have a single medication in the house! LOL So I watched television, and was in bed by 9:40 p.m. on a Saturday night. Kind of sad, isn't it? :) Oh well, I wasn't that serious about hiding from the feelings, and of course, what I cried out and dealt with that way is gone today and today will be a normal day for me.

Life is what it is; and when I truly want it to be different, I will do something about it. Until then, I just need to make sure I don't let myself fall too far into the pit of despair and take it a day at a time. Isn't that what we tell our addict children when in recovery? Don't over expect...changes don't happen over night; and if you take it one step at a time, you are less likely to be overwhelmed. I guess as parents of addicts (in recover yor not), as newly single people, as parents of nonaddicts, that advice applies to all of us, at least it does to me.

The Marriage is Over....

2010-06-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

Have you heard? After 40 years of marriage, Tipper and Al Gore are getting a divorce. 40 years? Don't we get married thinking we will be married forever? What is the problem with marriage?

Anyway, have you heard? My marriage is over. (Of course you've heard if you've read even one post since January 10th...I'm relentless, I'm afraid.) Our 24th wedding anniversary is this month; and the most recent communication for June is my husband is now actively encouraging me to move to the San Diego area where I am now working (job moved there last Tuesday on a full-time basis...2 hour commute each direction). Of course, no one has filed for divorce and there is no real talk of that from him, but he is so very supportive that I move 120 miles away. And I can't help but think, if you wanted to even consider reconciliation, would you encourage your spouse to move away? So, without getting handed divorce papers, the message is clear. And yes, he is "excited" about moving back into our house, that he moved out of on 29 March. Next chapter of life I guess...

I guess before I start the next chapter, I've got to turn the page and get out of the current chapter. It is harder to do than I thought it would be. I had a good life (his active addiction was 4 years and he is 22), with 18 years before that with a husband and son that I loved. I thought we were a good family and had a good life. Before my mom passed away, she adored my husband...my brother and my sister-in-law adored my husband, he is a great father and a good provider, and he was a good friend to me, which I thought was really important in a good marriage. We weren't always completely connected through the addiction years, but when the going got really tough we were always on the same page. I'm rambling a little about how good it was, aren't I? Sorry...

I know someone going on her first date, after her husband left her 4 years ago. Wow! I just want it to be a great evening for her because she deserves it. And it is not about "needing a man." She has proven to be strong and resilient on her own. It is simply the joy of socializing and enjoying the company of someone else, for a few hours. Someone that actually says they want to spend a few hours with you. I am happy for her.

And Bryan seems to be settling in, in Watsonville. I spoke to him Thursday and he sounded motivated again (that tone was missing in his voice last weekend right after the transfer). He is working with the "students" that just arrive and are in the withdrawal cabin; and he says he likes it. They withdraw without suboxone, methodone, etc., and he says his job is to help them be relaxed, laugh and get through it. He said it is rewarding work. In about two weeks (give or take) his internship will be over and he will become a full-time paid staff person. He has agreed to a 2-year contract; and he is moving forward with his life, it seems. And he just passed 7 months clean. I know I shouldn't count, but 7 months clean has not existed since he first started his drug use 4 years ago. So it is a milestone. I miss him so much sometimes I think my heart is going to fall out of my chest.

With Bryan off having a life, and my husband off having a life, I sometimes can't even fathom what happened. When I open my door at night after being gone all day, I miss my dog's jingly collar and her claws tippy-tapping on my wood floor, along with the entire "butt wag" (not just the tail but the entire back side!) And before you are concerned that I'm falling off the cliff (don't worry, just teetering), now that I understand that once I move to beautful San Diego, and I can do my job without 4 hours a day in the car, and I can get another dog once I'm settled in; and I can make some new friends and really work to build my life, I will no longer feel like everyone is moving forward except me.

It's Saturday night and I'm off to see the Shrek movie because I want to laugh a little, and I don't want to sit in the house by myself. That's what I do now...I find ways to keep doing; but I do know that at some point, my routine and my life will be my own again and I won't have to "think about" things to do. And I won't have to think about breathing, but for now, I tell myself to keep breathing...and I feel a little sad for Tipper Gore tonight.

Memorial Day News

2010-05-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

I received a "happy memorial day" email from my sister-in-law this morning; and in that email she mentioned the call that my brother took from Bryan yesterday. I believe it was God's way of giving me the information I really wanted to hear, without requiring me to step up my codependency and make the call myself. I was relieved to read that the call actually happened; and even more relieved that Bryan is reaching out to family on his own. It gives me hope that he wants to remain connected to us.

Today I'm worrying just a little less about Bryan. I hope that they have a Memorial Day BBQ at the facility for the students (which is the term they use for their addicts/patients) and the staff. That will be nice for everyone there.

This was my first 3-day weekend without family. I did not do any of the traditional stuff that you would normally do...bar-b-que, spend time with family and friends, etc., but maybe I will the next time a 3-day weekend comes along. I'm not giving up on Bryan or on myself.

Change Blows In...

2010-05-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Something happened last week that I was not expecting; and now two days later, I find myself thinking of nothing else and wondering what does it mean? Bryan called in the middle of the afternoon on Friday and said, "I'm on the bus and transferring to Watsonville." My response was "What did you say?" He repeated it and then said, they just told me a little while ago; and I had to hurry home and pack. I'll be there 2-3 weeks training and then go back to Tahoe. He sounded fine with it, as he usually does; very calm and collected. I reminded him that he will be closer to his Aunt and Uncle (the ones that couldn't come to the graduation...for those of you that follow the blog), and he said he thought he had his aunt's phone number already.

I find myself feeling exactly like I did when he first transferred to Tahoe; except it was the counselor calling to discuss it with me, not Bryan, so that made it more real and controlled (Wow...I can't believe I typed the word controlled without thinking about it...codependency is showing). This time, I don't know where he is. Is he really at Watsonville or did he relapse and get kicked out? I'm sure I'm over-reacting to this change; but I find with Bryan, I don't handle his changes well.

...9:51 p.m....I just got off the phone with Bryan. I had asked him to call me; but when 9:00 p.m. rolled around and I hadn't heard from him, I called. (My heart always pounds a little when I'm calling him. I don't know if he's going to answer, etc.) He answered right away and said he was dialing my number when the telephone rang. So when asked how it was going, he told me that he is going to have to redo some of the training he completed in Tahoe, due to how the "sign offs" were handled. He said he was frustrated about it, but if that is what he has to do, that is what he will do. We talked about that a little more, and he does seem okay with it. I asked him about where he was staying (trainee's house); and he also mentioned that he called his Uncle today and spoke to him (yes, I want to pick up the phone and call Carl to verify; but that would be a codependent response so I'm not going to do that).

He sounded tired (groggy), and I asked him about it. He said he was working all day and he's tired. I also explained to him that his move creates some discomfort for me. He said "that must be a mom thing." I don't know...it is probably a mom thing if you are the mom of an addict (recovering or not). We talked for about 15 minutes or so; and I have to admit that I'm not feeling a lot better, even though I spoke to him. At one point he said "Mom, you sound worried. You don't need to be." I told him that I was a little bit worried, and I have to get use to this change. That will have to be something that I work on, I know.

At this moment, he appears to still be involved in the program, training to work there, 7 months clean (as of yesterday) and moving forward. Some of the enthusiasm I've heard from him in the past was missing, but maybe he truly was just tired and that would explain it. I need to let go, and give this to God to manage. I think that is the only way I can feel better.

My first Memorial Day Weekend by myself; and after having someone around that barbequed on long weekends, it takes a little getting use to see the holiday in a different light. And Tuesday I start my job in the new office, 2 hours south of where I live. So possibly in a month or so, I will be moving closer to work. Another change blowing through.

I continue to pray and work on my relationship with God. I continue to work to shed my codependent thoughts and behaviors, because for the most part, they harm me and my health, without helping Bryan in any way. I've noticed a lot of blogs on codependency lately. I think acknowledging it is the first real step to working on it and making it better.

Happy Memorial Day, to all my friends.

2010-05-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in Dallas, getting ready to work a 7-hour job fair today. I don't have any idea what the turnout will be. At the same tradeshow (WindPower) last year in Chicago, we saw an average of 150 people per day...which was a lot. As the job market has not improved all that much, and our industry is viewed as one that has ridden out the economic downtown pretty successfully, it will be interesting to see what this year brings us.

As I was sitting here this morning, drinking coffee, I was thinking that my life feels a little like it is in a fog. Bryan continues to do well, but sometimes it is hard for me to accept that. I guess the better way to say that is that I continue to have "cautious optimism" but I am truly afraid to simply let go and accept the positive as reality for him. And sometimes it still feels like a nightmare. What truly happened in the last four years of his life? It doesn't seem real, I guess.

As I think about my personal situation, it seems a little like a dream as well. My mother-in-laws passing away so quickly; the fact that my husband no longer lives in my home; having to put my dog down. As I finish out this conference and fly home, there is a part of my brain that wants to believe that everything is "normal," (you know the setting on the washing machine) and he will not have moved out, and everything else will be as it was. Of course that is not reality. In reality, life moves forward, change happens, and we have to make the best of it. It is just something to think about. Because I'm at a work conference, not everyone knows about my personal situation with either my son or my husband (a lot do know), but they all know we have a new corporate building and that jobs are moving. I am bombarded with are you moving...you are driving...you are giving up your personal house...?????? I smile and say yes, my job will be in the new building, I will eventually be relocating, I might drive for a little while, etc. It drives home the point (no pun in intended LOL) that life keeps moving forward, whether given that choice we would make it or not!

I don't write as much, but please know that I'm out here reading all of your blogs and praying for your family members, and I do understand and feel for a lot of your struggles. I also revel in the moments when you are feeling better and are letting go of some of your angst. I understand those feelings; both the positive ones and the negative ones. You are truly an amazing group of men and women and I am so proud to "know you."

I AM My Own Worst Enemy!

2010-05-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the "nightmarish" picture. I was trying to convey something...at this time in my life, I am my own worst enemy. I can go from being relatively calm and peaceful to tears and bad thoughts in less time than it takes to kick off my shoes! And I really don't like that I allow my thoughts to move in that direction. It does feel, sometimes, like there is someone evil in my head that simply turns on this spigot of sad thoughts when I'm least expecting it. Oh yeah, I guess that someone is me! And this tells me that I am still not trusting in the presence and power of God to provide me what I need. I need to pray more, trust and wait for the answers.

1...I continue to worry about Bryan and whether he is doing well, even though every time I talk to him he sounds good and is happy and genuinely excited about the direction he is going. When the nightmare starts, I start thinking about what he could have been...college, great career, nice girlfriend, etc. and of course, that he will once again stick a needle in his arm because he "knows he can handle it this time around." (no lectures, please...I know this is a painful and stupid exercise of thought. I can't control what he does...but sometimes my brain seems to have a "mind of its own." LOL)

2...How bad a wife was I that my husband would leave after 23 1/2 years of marriage? My family and friends (heck, even his family) seem to think that I am not to blame and that my husband made this decision very independently of me. But still...I thought we were past the most difficult parts of marriage and we were going to enjoy the next 20 years or so with our life together, our memories, etc. (I have to keep moving forward and stop looking backwards. Codependency is not just about our children. I can't fix him or control the situation or make it what I want it to be. I have to focus on life as it is today and make the most of it.)

3...I feel really alone. As a couple you don't cultivate individual friendships; and now I need to find my place in the world as me, not as a wife or part of a couple. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself; but again, that spigot turns on in my head and sad sad sad thoughts start pouring out.

There are many good things in my life. The little things that are easy to ignore; but if I pay attention, they should be able to push this creepy guy out of my head and empower me to be more in control of what I think and feel.

1...more prayer and meditation to keep the insides of my head calm and peaceful. And I have to believe in the power of prayer. I pray a lot (could do more)...but sometimes I wonder if I am truly believing in what I am praying about. I have to work on this.

2...I have to get more comfortable in my own skin. I am okay with friends and I am okay when I'm alone. I need to relax and accept it. Yesterday afternoon, I sat in my family room with a glass of ice tea, reading a novel. The truth is, I never could do that with Mitch here because the minute he sat down, the tv came on; or even more importantly, I was always setting aside what I wanted to do for what he wanted to do.

3...I have really good friends and family that care about me; and I need to take all that caring in and simply allow it to fill my heart. My virtual friends in this community are so kind, my "real life" friends are there when I need them; my work friends care about me (even my boss!); and my son and I are really rebuilding our relationship. I AM BLESSED and I need to allow myself to acknowledge and accept this instead of looking at what is missing. NOTHING IS MISSING IN MY LIFE.

I know that I started this blog to keep people informed about what Bryan was doing; and today he is doing well (cautious optimism). It has migrated to how I'm doing now, with the recent changes in my life; and yet you all stay and reach out and read and comment, and it feels good to be part of this community. Yes it truly does, because I think the parents of addicts are especially remarkable parents. It is a very different level of thought, caring and love when you are hopeful/happy that your son or daughter has been arrested and will spend time in jail, understanding this may be their only hope of staying alive and getting clean. And through all of the trials and tribulation of addiction, every single one of you pays attention to the others in your lives (both virtual and real) and lets them know you are there...reading and taking it all in, helping when you can, and still acknowledging the needs of others (while working on your own health and well being).

I guess the point of this incredibly long post is my acknowledgement that I'm still adjusting to my changes, and I have to take charge of my thoughts and feelings, because the truth is, no one can make me sad, I do that to myself. So if I don't want to be sad, I need to change the voice in my head. And who better to do that than me?

Have a lovely day and thank you!

Life IS Good!

2010-05-13T19:32:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile since I've received an award from my friends in the blogger community; and I always really appreciate when someone thinks of me. So thank you, Heather's Mom, for taking a moment to to remind me that Life IS Good; especially with the changes and challenges that I have been facing.

Here are my answers to the questions:

1. What would your perfect day consist of? A day at the beach (west coast beach; with a good friend...enjoying the sound of the waves, the sand between our toes, and the sunshine. Maybe a game or two of backgammon!
2. How would you describe yourself if you were an article of clothing? A shawl to keep someone warm while looking great!
3. What hobbies are you currently working on? working out/strength training; and I read a lot.
4. Walking in the woods in wellies or barefoot on the beach? Oh, based on question no. 1...barefoot on the beach!
5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree? yes, and I got sap on my hands! Yuck
6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket? supermarket
7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree? My family doesn't have a tree! ... more like a branch LOL ...but my grandfather had a town in Utah named after him. :)
8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper? posh restaurant...I'm not a fish eater, but I love In-n-Out Burgers (West Coast folks know what this is!)
9. Which element do you most resonate with: Earth, Air, Fire or Water? Water
10. Do you believe in fairies? Fairies and angels...and how I wish I could be one.

Bryan's Visit & Preparing for the Formal Goodbye

2010-05-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

It has been five days since my mother-in-law passed away, I've received three cards from loving friends, Mitch has received two plants here at the house (from his work...I email him when they arrive), and I've had one visit from Bryan.

Tomorrow, I'm taking one of two bereavement days to prepare the house, because I volunteered to have the luncheon/get-together for family and friends after the memorial service on Friday. I will look back at this and wonder if my volunteering was a codependent action to the loss of my marriage, and not feeling as much a part of the family during Lee's illness...I really need to check my motives. However, whether this was codependency doing a little dance in my head and heart, I did volunteer and now I have to make it happen!

Mitch has almost stopped communicating with me since his Mom died (other than lunch on Mother's Day and Bryan was with us); and when I called him yesterday to ask how he was doing (after all, his Mom just passed away), his response was a very cool tone, with a "why are you even calling me" attitude thrown in for good measure. I admit, it makes me nervous about Friday. I loved Lee and I will do my best to make my good-byes in that setting what I need them to be for me and for our relationship.

Bryan came home on Saturday night. The original hope was that he would be able to see his Grandma before she passed away; however, it wasn't meant to be. We had dinner after the airport, and then he went out with a high school friend of his (never on drugs and one of the friends that actually turned him in at one point in 2008). I admit that I loved having him home on Mother's Day. We went and visited his Grandpa; and they had a long conversation, very calm and relaxed. Bryan, his Dad and I went to a fast-food lunch; and then Bryan and I went to his Dad's brothers house, so that he could see his aunt and uncle as well as his cousins. We probably visited for 3-4 hours, Bryan played basketball with his cousins, we all visited and it was great. It felt so normal...it was almost scary! :) We came home, Bryan washed my car, we had pizza; and we watched The Proposal together...and then the big question came. Would I let him borrow my car to go visit a friend (another non-druggie friend...whose Mom is my best friend). And heaven forbid I said yes. While he was gone I literally had to take an Ativan to calm my anxiety; and how stupid, I created it myself by saying "yes." He went and played video games, came home on time, my car was fine; and we all lived happily ever after. (Well until the next morning when I went to work and left him alone in my house!)

Ultimately a friend drove him to the airport and he is now back at his center working his 10 hour days and continuing his training. It is all good. I share this with you because I was surprised by how strong the anxiety was that I felt. I was surprised that even with all that anxiety, I apparently still wanted to please him; hence the "yes" answers to requests that I probably would have preferred to say "no" to. It is all very confusing.

So in summary, we had 7-8 weeks apart (which is actually the longest I've gone without seeing him...remember we have had no jail or prison time). He continues to be clean and healthy which is a blessing; and I still have some of my own recovery work to do. The ending of my marriage is a struggle for me (my world feels a little nightmarish at times), and I'm coming to grips with the fact that I am likely to be moving out of my home, which I've lived in since November 1992, to be closer to my job. The move will probably happen sometime in the next 6-8 weeks. Change...change...change....and through it all, I will miss my mother-in-law, I continue to miss my Dog, and I miss my husband. I miss my son because he is fairly far away, and I miss parts of my life that existed only 5-6 months ago. But through all the change and the "missing," that is going on, I have not contemplated taking drugs. It is a fundamental difference in what happens in my brain and what has been happening in Bryan's brain over the last 4 years. I continue to be hopeful that his brain is recovering!

I've been reading blogs more than writing lately; and even if I don't comment on every one I read, you are all in my thoughts and my prayers, whether things are going well and sons/daughters are coming home and working on recovery; or if they are coming to the realization that they may be in jail for a long time. Or maybe they are not in your life; or if they are in your life right now there are challenges. It doesn't matter. Hope springs eternal; and I pray and think about each and every one of you each and every day. Thank you for all you write, share and how much it helps me.

Resting in Peace

2010-05-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law passed away peacefully this morning between midnight and 1:30 a.m. She had only been home from the hospital 3 1/2 days and was under hospice care from the moment she got home. She went quickly; and I'm so very grateful that God gave her and the family that gift. A long, drawn out period of suffering would have been so difficult on everyone.

I was able to be at the house with her and her husband last night, and I will always be glad that I had those moments. I will always believe that she knew I was there and she heard what I said to her, even though she was not capable of responding. I was able to say good-bye and tell her how much I love her. For me, that makes her passing just a little bit easier.

There are some challenges with my situation with my husband (recent separation). Instead of being treated like family, I'm being treated like the "good family friend." It feels a little odd, but right now, I'm just glad they are okay I'm there. Some families would not be as flexible and supportive.

To everyone that prayed for her, thank you. And if you are a Mother, celebrate Mother's Day and be grateful for all the good in your life. And if your addict happens to be your child, take a moment and acknowledge that you are a very special mother indeed, because you have never given up on him/her, you continue to love him/her and you will welcome him/her back in with open arms, when they make the decision to come back to life and the family, with a clean and sober outlook. I am so proud to know each and every one of you, and each and every one of you have helped me through my struggles. Happy Mother's Day!

Emotions - Everyone's Are Different

2010-04-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about emotions this week. Mostly because I've had a horribly emotional week; and I've been cognizant about how people in my life react differently to the same events.

My dog, Taylor, did not make it. I had to have her "put to sleep" on Wednesday at noon. In a 60-hour period we did three different animal hospitals, she had three blood transfusions, started a steroid treatment; and I want to believe I did everything I could for her. And when I couldn't do any more, I was with her at the end, loving her and comforting her (no...it was really more for me, I can admit). Now my home is truly empty; and it is a very different feeling to come home to an empty house. It will take some getting use to.

My mother-in-law has been given a dire prognosis; after one chemo treatment for inoperable lung cancer. She has been in the hospital since Monday, but chemo is ending and she is going home to hospice care. She has significant complications with her lungs, which make doing additional chemo not a useful/helpful process. It is very sad, and it is tough on my husband. The emotion of this is difficult on me as well, because I love her and we have been family for 25 years (thereabouts) and my role in the family is changing.

And I've realized in the past few days, that Bryan's emotional thermometer is very low, compared to mine. I am truly the type that cries at the "heart-tugging" commercials, movies, television shows. I can cry when I see people in a grocery store, and with all that has gone on in my world since March 2008, when I originally learned Bryan had a drug problem (total denial on my part before that), I have probably cried every single day for some period of time (sometimes only seconds, sometimes for hours!) I called Bryan on Wednesday and had him call me. I needed to talk to him about his Grandma as well as Taylor (she was really his Dog...she loved him so much). He remained calm and collected, didn't overreact, and in a nutshell, demonstrated very little emotion. Which, by the way, was his same reaction when we told him we were separating/ending the marriage.

I've thought a lot about this, and I've probably cried about this (because that is what I do), but I'm coming to the conclusion that I can't worry about this, or attempt to change him. I can't assume this is a bad thing or that something is wrong with him because he is an emotional "10 out of 100," while I am an emotional "90 out of 100." We are all different.

I hope that inside he has emotions and is dealing with them in whatever way he needs to (without drugs). I don't know for sure. This may be something I try to talk to him about at some point, just so I can learn more about him. Under the influence of drugs, he was very emotional; and I worry that that was part of the lure for him...the drugs gave him an opportunity to let out his emotions. If that is the case, I can only hope and pray that he finds other outlets for his emotions.

It was a challenging week; and the challenge will continue for awhile. If anyone has room on their prayer lists, please includee my Mother-in-Law, Lee, and her challenges over the next weeks/months.

Happier Today

2010-04-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

One thing I am cognizant of, is a sad day is often followed by a neutral day or a happy day (I don't stay sad very long, thank goodness).

Nothing special has happened today, but the sad emotions have faded.

My mother-in-law is in the throws of her first chemotherapy round, and it is a struggle. My husband called me several times this morning to ask my opinion of things; and I decided to go over and see her this afternoon. Overall, I think she is doing as well as can be expected. It is much tougher on her husband and her three sons than it is on her, I do believe. I brought her a smoothie, and visited for a little bit; and left when I could see that there was nothing else I would be able to do. I'm glad I went and saw her. She's been a good mom to me, since my mom passed away in 2006.

Another daughter-in-law with two of her kids (18 and 20) were there; and my husband was there for awhile. Everyone was civil; and I do believe they were somewhat surprised to see me. Why I wonder? It doesn't matter, does it.

We have warm weather in Southern California where I live (mid 80's); so I'm going to head out in the backyard with a book and a glass of ice tea and just read and enjoy the sound of my wind chimes for a little while. I can always start the laundry later!

Sad Moments

2010-04-24T14:59:00.001-07:00

I'm having a sad day. People I know seem to think that I should not be sad. Just move forward with my life, and don't spend time dwelling on the negative, and I know that's right, theoretically. But it is difficult to do sometimes.

One of the women that works for me is getting married, and she chose not to invite me to the wedding. My feelings are a little hurt. I suppose she has a good reason, but I don't know what it is.

And my Dog is quite ill. She had a an appointment at the vet today. I took her there (we had an appointment) and they were closed. No, I didn't get a call, but I think it is because it looks like they had a fire and I'm guessing the computer burned up and the schedule was kept in the computer. I feel so badly for my dog. Although she is not getting worse, she's not getting better either. I found another vet, but they don't have an opening until Monday afternoon. I'll come home early from work and take her then. I don't want anything seriously to be wrong with her, but I have a horrible feeling that it is serious. We will see.

Bryan called today. He asked for spending money. $50 a week doesn't go very far when you are eating fast food and buying cigarrettes. I don't have any concern that his money is going to anything else. He sounds great and his training is going well. I want to go ahead and send him some money, but I also don't want to. Too many bad memories, I guess. He told me he wants to quit smoking. A few weeks ago I told him I heard about water vapor cigarrette and that might help with the transition. I read though that they actually use nicotine and what I've read so far is that they don't actually recommend them for quitting. They are just a substitute. I don't know. He did tell me he spoke to his grandmother (my husband's mom) who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for a very serious (non operatable) lung cancer. I'm glad Bryan called her.

And mostly I feel sad, I guess, because I know so many people are suffering with loved ones that are addicted. Bryan's situation is getting better (6 months clean next week), and I guess I feel like I don't deserve to feel sad. My life could be so much worse than it is. In a nutshell, I feel guilty that I feel sad. This will pass...it is just a moment.

A Good Weekend

2010-04-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

I had the most amazing Geek Squad "Double Agent" (that's what they call themselves). He hooked up my new computer and the printer; and got my documents and iTunes transferred and made sure my laptop was connected to my wireless network. He put everything away, sorted accordingly and left detailed instructions. The screens open and change so fast! It is fabulous.

And tomorrow I'm driving out to Mojave (north of Los Angeles,about 2 hours) to see the poppy fields (California's flower, which I love). We actually have a state park that is dedicated to poppy's and I can't wait.

Then on Sunday my sister-in-law and her daughter (2 years clean) are arriving in Southern California and we are off to Disneyland and the very secret and special Club 33 for lunch. It is a very private club inside of Disneyland that you have to belong to, to get in; and my sister-in-law knew someone and got us in! It is something that I have had on my "bucket list." A place I've always wanted to go. I'm quite a Disneyland fan. It will be a good weekend, I think.

"All dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them."
Walt Disney

I miss Bryan every day. I don't get to say "How are you? and tell me about your day." I don't get to share an interesting television show or a movie with him (which we did, even when he was high, amazingly enough). But I do realize that this is normal. He is 22 years old. He could be off to college or living with a girlfriend. He could have accepted a job in another state (wait, that's exactly what he has done now! LOL) or he could have moved out and be living with friends. I am getting use to my very empty nest (feeling more empty because my husband is not living here either), but this is life and this is what I have been preparing for since Bryan was little (not the addiction part, of course). I am moving forward; and I am learning from everyone around me. Maybe I will take up quilting, or learn to play the piano, or study Spanish; and I'll continue to work out in the gym, probably I won't eat as well as I should, but then I never have, and I'll continue to give my all to my job as well.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend a day and a half with my favorite sister-in-law and my favorite niece; and we are going to "The happiest place on Earth!" I will continue to be praying for everyone on my list (and now because I have a nice computer that works again, I think I'll type up that prayer list, so I can print it and take it with me.

Never stop dreaming and hoping...

Life Goes On

2010-04-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Life continues whether I'm writing it down or not. Imagine! Bryan had a birthday earlier this week...he turned 22 years old. A year ago, I wasn't sure that he would see 22. Six months ago when he overdosed, I was sure that I would be burying him at 21 years old. It was a dark time in life (I suspect that almost everyone that reads this blog will be shaking their heads sadly at this because it seems we all know this feeling). For Bryan, life is better...not perfect because no one's life is perfect...but better. I learned from his Dad (who called me and left a voice mail about his conversation with Bryan) that Bryan is planning on signing a 2-year contract as an employee with Vista Bay (he can sign a 2-year or a 5-year contract). Isn't it amazing that he can think two years ahead? I wake up some nights in the middle of the night, thinking the phone is ringing...it is not...and that the entire thing is a dream; and I don't know where he is. I know those feelings will take a long time to completely go away.

I am realizing that my relationship with my son is not what I "dreamed of" when he was younger. I think it sort of sucks that we do that too ourselves. We set ourselves up for expectations that are probably never realistic; and then when we compare the reality to the expectations, well, it is just not great. Bryan seems to be getting along quite well with his Dad. Why not? His Dad has always been a good dad, and even through the addiction, his dad didn't deal with it much. All of the pain and bad memories in terms of family life swirl around "Bryan and his Mom." I enabled, I cried, I lectured, I controlled....So as Bryan makes an attempt to move forward with his life, talking to me and connecting to me is, I think, much more difficult for him (or maybe he just doesn't love me that much!). There is nothing I can do about this. I don't lecture any more, I still enable some (YES, everyone, I am working on that! LOL), I don't cry much over him (except tears of joy and I think he knows the difference), and I'm not able to control much because my magic controlling wand doesn't really work when he is 900 miles away.

For Bryan's birthday, we sent him the ski pass for Heavenly Ski Resort, and I sent a box with cookies and Hostess Cup Cakes because I couldn't send him a birthday cake. He reminded me after he got it that he doesn't like cake all that much anyway! I glanced at his facebook wall and at least 20 people wished him happy birthday there (and yes, I was one of them). And I know a few friends of mine that emailed him birthday wishes. I think/hope that he realizes how much he means to people.

I continue to read books, and read other blogs; but I've had significant computer problems so I haven't been logging on quite so much. Tomorrow I will have a visit from the Geek Squad and hopefully all will be well. This weekend my sister-in-law is coming to town and we are off to Disneyland and Club 33! For those of you that are Disney fans you must realize what a thrill it is to finally get into Club 33. I'll write about it after we go on Monday and explain this and what it was all about. I have to tell you that growing up in Southern California means I love Disneyland, so I'm excited about going.

I continue to pray for everyone on my list and I continue to have hope for all of our children; and for you, the parents and care givers that give everything you have to your sons and daughters (regardless of their addiction). I am amazed at how special each and every one of you are, and what you mean to me in my life. Life does go on, and I'm glad that I have all of you.

Finding New Ways to Fill My Time

2010-04-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Over the Easter weekend, while I'm learning to be alone and live my life in a positive and affirming way, I realized that I have a big gap to fill, at least for now. It is not the gap of no longer being a couple (although that rears its ugly head at times), but it is the gap created by the lack of worrying, fretting, dreading, and attempting to manage my son's life. When he is actively using, I am either worrying about where he is, what he is doing, how he is buying drugs, when he will die, when he will be arrested, who he is with, what I did wrong as a parent, how can I convince him to change what he is doing, blah blah blah. All of it. Constantly. This level of codependent behavior, sucked the life right out of me; and when I finished worrying, fretting, etc. etc. etc. I had to face the horrible truth that nothing for Bryan had changed. Not his behavior, not his desire, not his actions, nothing. It was heartbreaking for me; and then I'd start over again. (I wonder if anywhere in Webster's Dictionary they describe codependency as a hobby? LOL)

Right now, Bryan is doing exceptionally well. I hope no one feels I'm bragging when I say this. I'm sharing there is HOPE because 5 months ago he lived in a drug house and overdosed on black-tar heroin. And today, for now, he is moving towards helping others. I know, without a doubt, it could change tomorrow. He could relapse (we've had at least four), he could leave Tahoe, he could shoot up and immediately be addicted, etc. He could be back in the cycle of addiction in a heart beat. But for now, he has asked for an annual ski pass for his 22nd birthday, which is in 8 days, and both his Dad and I feel that is such a strong message, because it means he plans to still be there for ski season next fall/winter. (Projecting ahead again...sorry) So my "hobby" of taking care of/worrying about/fixing/controlling/managing Bryan and his life needs to be replaced with another hobby.

Oh yeah, and then there was the 23-1/2 year marriage. I said as I started this post, that it wasn't about being alone now, but maybe that wasn't 100% accurate. Becasue when I think about my marriage, I believe I took care of everything/supported all that he wanted to do in his spare time/fixed/managed/worked as hard as I could to make the marriage good for him. Does that sound codependent to you? So now that the marriage is over (or appears over), my "hobby" of taking care of/worrying about/fixing/controlling/managing Husband and his life needs to be replaced with another hobby.

I am continuing to work towards ending my codependent tendencies/behaviors. I'm making changes at work (in Human Resources there are lots of opportunities to take care of others/fix/manipulate); and obviously I continue to work at modifying these traits as a parent; and I have to think about modifying these traits as a wife as well, whether my marriage is over or not. I need new "hobbies." Maybe we all need new "hobbies." This definitely gives me something to think about.

First Week Alone

2010-03-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since I've written anything; since I posted about Spring and new beginnings. Bryan continues to advance; and he is doing so well that they are likely to offer him a full-time staff position in less than three months, which is the normal time initial training takes. And out of that, what I hear most when I talk to him, is how proud he is of himself and his progress. He bragged that he is the only one that shows up to work dressed appropriately every day (collared shirt and clean and pressed); and that on Friday's he wears a shirt and tie as required. He also was proud of the fact that he is the only one that does night courses every night. Which means that he does 5 hours of course work during the day, he does 5 hours of working in the facility helping students every day; and then he does several hours of course work every night. It is the first time in his adult life (he's been using since 18 and probably addicted before hitting 19) that I've actually seen my son as I had always hoped or anticipated that he would be as a young adult. I don't really know what else to say.

I started living alone last weekend, after almost 24 years of marriage. It takes a lot of getting use to, I have to admit. Although I'm handling the sadness that might be expected under the circumstances fairly well; I find that sleep alludes me. I fall asleep, sometimes early (10:00 p.m. because I'm up at 5 a.m.); but by 1 or 1:30 in the morning, I am awake, listening to the voices in my head reviewing all that seems wrong or at least odd in my life. And those voices keep me awake until 4 a.m. or so; and then the alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I know this won't continue but it is a challenge created within my new life style and something I need to overcome.

And I do feel like I have a little writer's block. I don't know exactly what to say here, at the moment. So I will say I appreciate every one's support while I work through some of this. I won't be far away, and I'm reading every one's blogs and commenting when I can; I won't/can't leave this community of friends and supporters. Everyone means so much to me; and your stories touch my heart. So my prayers continue to go out to everyone that in some way or another is suffering from addiction, with a simple message that HOPE continues for everyone.

Spring! ... A New Beginning

2010-03-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

It is Spring! The message yesterday in The Daily Word (from Unity), said, Wisdom, strength and love are reborn in me today. This is really a time of rebirth for me. I am two years into actively working on my issues with codependency; and although I will never be "cured," I know that I have learned how to manage the codependent tendencies; and I believe this has helped me live a more serene life even in the midst of the chaos of the last two years with an addicted son; and now, with a husband who is choosing to leave me and go in a separate direction. Every day is not perfect and I have really sad moments, but they are fewer and farther between.

It is time for me to generate a new life for myself. Some things aren't changing. For the time being, I am remaining in my home (not a good time to sell it), and I am remaining in my current job (and I've been in this job/company for 11 1/2 years). But I will work on changing my interaction with my existing friends, learning to reach out and meet new people, committing to working on my health and well being, committing to learning new things; and committing to continuing my quest to become healthier and less codependent, so that the rest of my life can be more balanced and serene. (I really like the word serene. It feels good to say it and to live it.)

Bryan is also facing Spring and a rebirth of who he is and the direction he is going. He can describe himself as a "counselor in training." He can describe himself as an independent young man (becoming more mature daily); who is responsible for his own life; yet as an important member of a family, with a mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that love him and are proud of the steps he is taking.

Spring is truly the season for Hope!

A New Beginning for Bryan....What About Me?

2010-03-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

It is Friday night and I'm sitting in a hotel room in South Lake Tahoe, thinking about Bryan and hopeful that this is the beginning of a new life for him. Our drive up was good. Bryan doesn't have "heart to heart" talks with me, he generally behaves as if we have been through no drama and that if it is okay at the moment then it is okay. (He has always been like this) When I ask him questions or bring up issues, he responds in a straightforward way and then moves on.

I spoiled him on the drive, eating McDonald's for lunch and after arriving in Tahoe, he said he just wanted Taco Bell for dinner (he loves fast food!). We went to the facility and the first person we say was "Jen." She is one of the only female staff persons, and she seemed so genuinely happy to see us, it made me feel really good. She asked me about Bryan's visit home and expressed how excited the staff is to have Bryan join them as staff. He took his drug test and checked in and off we went to drop his stuff off at the staff house. Then we went to the grocery store and bought him some necessities and some luxuries to have in the house. Then back to the staff house.

I wasn't sure if he wanted me to stay with him until someone came home; and the truth was, he did not. He told me that he has been a "transient" for a long time now and that he doesn't really work at getting comfortable anywhere. He just accepts wherever he is. It was a stunning statement for me to hear, although as soon as he said it, I realized it was true.

So he walked me out to the car, and as I was pulling away, the staff member in charge of the house came in. So Bryan would be assigned to a room, and be able to unpack and settle in. I cried all the way back to the hotel.

I'm so excited for Bryan to have this opportunity to have a real job, to continue to be surrounded by the program he seems to have accepted, to help others...it is all good...and I know it. I think, as I sit in this hotel room, I am sad for me, not him. I realize that at 52, and after 23+ years of marriage, I feel alone. Bryan is up here in Northern California and honestly doesn't feel connected to us. He's really been on his own for two years and during that time he pulled away from us because of what he was doing. He has become a loner and he is comfortable with that. Then there is my husband, who no longer wants to be my husband; the person that I shared what I was feeling with, had conversations with, enjoyed new things with and made memories with. And now, he is so done with me; and I guess I'm not done with him yet. So although I want to share some of my thoughts with him about Bryan, and the experience of Bryan being home and how it makes me feel, he is no longer interested in how I might be feeling. I can see and feel that it is going to take me some time to adjust to a life without him. And it doesn't help that he is still living in the house...physically there but not mentally or emotionally there. I guess this will have to change as well.

An hour has gone by....A friend called a little while ago, and I was able to share some of what I'm feeling about Bryan tonight and I'm feeling better. I need to get some sleep so that I can get on the road tomorrow morning and head back. It is always a little more difficult to have a long drive alone. I want to be rested.

To all of you that keep Bryan in your prayers and feel some HOPE from his story...he is continuing to move on a positive path. For now, I will just accept it and be grateful and hopeful that his time has come. Good night.

Home is Where You Hang Your Hat

2010-03-17T20:13:00.001-07:00

I don't have much new to say tonight, except I felt like I was missing everyone, and I wanted to talk to you. Bryan is out with a girl, D, that I don't really know, but he tells me she is clean and on her way with a water polo scholarship at a local school. I will assume it is the truth (glass half full), and I hope he is having a good time.

Tomorrow is our last day together, except for the drive back on Friday. I am somewhat relieved. I realized today that being out of my routine (going off to work 10 hours a day) is as difficult on me as it is on Bryan being out of his routine (at Vista Bay) that he has had for the last 4 1/2 months. So I shouldn't be surprised that his behavior is interesting, because I think my behaviors and actions have also been interesting. We are all somewhat creatures of habit. Which makes me think that the longer Bryan stays clean and in a routine, the more likely that will become his habit...sounds good, doesn't it?

Now to the point of the post, I guess. I can tell that Bryan doesn't feel that "at home" while at home. He's not "antsy," but he isn't relaxed either. Somewhere in the middle, I think. And I believe it has to do with his age and his life experiences. Although I know he has good memories of growing up here, he also chose to use in this house, steal in this house, be out of control in this house. Not all the memories are ones that he wants to focus on. So he is happiest right now where he is the most comfortable (and that is at Vista Bay). I'm not offended by that at all (which kind of surprises me, actually). So I understand why, for now and hopefully the foreseeable future, the facility (and the staff house where he will be living) will be his Home Sweet Home.

Experiencing Having Him Home

2010-03-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

For the last several weeks/months, I've read a variety of blogs that many of you have written about having your son or daughter living at home. Honestly, I couldn't imagine the feelings of having my son back at home, as it has been a year and a half since he's lived here; and the last time he came home to ask about moving back home, he was higher than a kite, had just crashed his car (which we took away), we told him he could not live here again, and off he went to overdose in a strip mall parking lot on the other side of town. (I only learned yesterday where he was when he overdosed back in October.)

And now he has been here visiting for 48 hours...

I am proud of his progress, there is no doubt. And I have some confidence that maybe, just maybe, this might be his time to stay clean and move forward with his life. He talks about it...moving forward...but there is a subtle hint of "don't trust me too much Mom, because I could slip." Maybe that isn't even coming from him. Maybe that is the small voice in the back of my head reminding me that he will always be an addict. His choice is to be one in recovery versus one that is actually using. It amazes me that when we are "chatting" in the car, we joke about his addiction (seriously????); and I'll ask him questions about his friends and then say, "You know you wouldn't tell me the truth if he was using or she wasn't clean." He says right now, he would tell me the truth, but of course, I don't really believe that. I just say okay. Sorry I'm rambling.

This morning he slept almost to noon (of course, it felt more like 11:00 a.m. with the time change.) I went in and woke him up because sleeping away the day is too reminiscent of all-night binges and sleeping it off during the day. (Bad memory) We ran some errands, went to lunch, and at 6:30 p.m. I dropped him off at an AA meeting for "Young Adults." His friend Sean (Sean is just over 6 months clean) asked him to come to the meeting with him, and he will bring him home tonight. I'd rather he not see any friends on this short visit, but he is almost 22 years old and I can't keep him from everyone on the planet (don't I wish! LOL)

Tomorrow his Dad is staying home with him and hopefully they will do something fun while I go to work. On Wednesday he is likely to spend some time with one of the girls from AA that has stayed in touch with him; and on Thursday he and I will hang out again. And then Friday I'll drive him back to South Lake Tahoe. He won't get vacation time for at least a year, other than his 1-day off a week, so I don't expect him home again (wow...look at me thinking a year ahead...careful).

This post is just to say out loud that the visit is going well. He is funny, talkative, in some ways his old self, and in some ways I don't recognize him at all. Some of that is simply that he has grown up some, and I've missed some of the growing up because it was hidden under the heroine, meth, and everything else he used (yes, he did it all, but when push comes to shove, he describes himself as a heroin addict). I'm happy that he is home, but I know you will understand when I say that I'll be glad when Friday gets here and he heads back to a safe environment where he can continue with his recovery and his new job as a trainee.

Thank you all for being out there for me. I've seen my name pop up in a few blogs recently in the most positive way (providing hope); and since I draw hope from each and every one of you when I read your stories, it makes me feel really good if my story and Bryan's story does bring a measure of Hope.

Thank you for understanding how I am feeling.

We Are Back at Home

2010-03-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

First, I have to say that I've read several blogs since I got home and I feel sadness and pain for Mom and Dad and Alec; and for Barbara and Ant; and for everyone else whose addicts struggle; and their struggles cause pain for the family members. It is a road none of us have chosen to go down, and it often feels once we are on that road, there are no left-turns, right-turns or even u-turns available so that we can change directions, find a new destination.

Bryan's graduation ceremony on Friday night was filled with hope. Four (4) young men graduated from the program at the same time (yes, this is a little unusual). Three of the four had family members there, including the five year old son (and quite the pistol!) of one of the graduates. The other students in the program seemed genuinely proud of the graduates and wish them hope; and the family members that were there demonstrated love and caring for their graduates, with a hint of apprehension...will this really work? Will he stay clean this time? Can we finally get off this road?

We drove home today (9-10 hours yuck); and Bryan and I are home alone right now. He's in his room cleaning out his closet; and tomorrow we are going to figure out how to handle his cell phone. He will be with us here only for a few days, and by the end of next week, we will be heading back to South Lake Tahoe where he will become a "trainee" to work in their program. He technically graduated on Wednesday of last week, so he had a day and a half as a trainee before we got there (they don't let any grass grow under their feet). He was excited to receive a house key for the staff house, where he will live now. He showed me his key and I said, "Look what you've accomplished in just 4 1/2 months. From near death, to a program graduate and a staff trainee with a house key." It is cause for hope.

He told me tonight that he knows he can't be here (in Southern California) for very long. He says that boredom is one of his biggest enemies. He says that he will always think of the good times about using; and not the bad...he says this is what the brain does to an addict, in order to keep the thought of using in the front of the brain. I admit that I will never really understand addiction. I will never really understand why turning their backs on something as evil as drugs and what it does to them is so hard...almost impossible. I can only pray for my son that he will follow his heart and his brain (while it is clean) and make the right choices. He did say that he knows he can't dabble in drugs. If he uses just once he is back on the path of destruction.

So having him home is a little bit "bittersweet." He is healthy, strong, clean and seems committed to remaining in the program, working the program and giving back. At the same time, there is a certain amount of innocence that is gone from him and he will never get it back. As a Mom, that makes me a little sad. I also reminded him that I know that this could all be temporary; and although I hope not, it clouds some of my thoughts and feelings. I have to always be on my guard; to make sure that I don't get complacent about my own recovery and health as I watch Bryan deal with his own stuff.
I will be saying many prayers tonight for many people. For everyone that is hurting and in pain, God is watching over you tonight. He is watching over all of us.

Time Flies By

2010-03-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

I was stunned when I realized it has been a week since I posted anything? Why? Because I start my day every day logging on and checking the blogs that I follow. I read everyone's posts and comment when I think I have something supportive or useful to say. And then I realized that by the time I get to thinking about my own blog, time has "flown by," and I have to move forward with other activities of my life. Wow. It also brings to mind that fact that many bloggers maintain multiple blogs. I simply don't know how that is done and I bow to your dedication and time management skills! (LOL)

Last week started with anxiety for me, as it relates to my son. I believe, looking back, that some of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that my brain is dealing with the fact that his inpatient program is coming to an end (he graduates this coming Friday). It has only been four months, and if you put the emphasis on ONLY, that is a somewhat scary thought for family members that have already lived through multiple relapses. However, if you put the emphasis on FOUR MONTHS, this is the first time in three years that he has actually been clean of all substances (with the exception of nicotine...he's a smoker) for that period of time. When he detoxed and went into sober living several times, or utilized other treatment in 2008 and 2009, he always substituted...he maybe stayed off of heroin for a period of time, but he went to pot, or to alcohol to fill the void. This is the first time that he has actually been clean for 4 months. It is cause to celebrate, not be anxious.

I was also worried about him coming home. Triggers everywhere, outside of the protective cocoon of the program/facility. Would he want to just "try it once" and see how it feels? I know that one use will take him all the way back to addicted...I think he knows that too, but I also understand how powerful addiction and drugs are over the brain.

Long-story short, we had an amazing telephone conversation following an email I sent him voicing my concerns. I don't think I guilted him or lectured. As I was leaning towards telling him that coming home for a visit was not a good idea, I wanted to give him an opportunity to talk about it, which is why I emailed him. If he chose not to call me (I can't call him in the program), then I would have set my boundary, made my decision and we would have celebrated that he finished his program in some other way, other than coming home. Instead he called, and we talked about it in such a comprehensive, mature way, that now, a few days later, I feel comfortable that this visit will be good for both of us (I can't speak for my husband).

There is no transition from the last paragraph to this one (sorry, I'm not the writer that some of you are) :)... but Bryan also reached out to us this week and sent a letter. It is very short, so I will retype the text:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I apologize for all the money, time and energy I stole from you. I am working towards making our relationship like it used to be. Enclosed is money to repay you for the first time I stole from you guys and I plan on repaying a lot more than that but it's a start and I promise I am going to do everything in my power to repair our relationship, much more than money can do. Love Your Son, Bryan."

Those of you that "know me," know that this opened a floodgate of tears. And no, apparently he doesn't believe in using "periods." :) He included a $10 bill, which he told me over the phone he earned by washing a staff member's car. For me, this is monumental, because the several times he worked his recovery through the 12-step program, we never reached amends. He has never apologized for his actions, or made any attempt to repair. In fact what has been one of the more hurtful things up to this point, is that he had chosen not to even acknowledge his choices, as if it didn't matter what he did and how much it hurt. This feels like an amazing step, and I share it with everyone in the name of HOPE and ACTIVELY WORKING RECOVERY.

Next Friday we will get up and leave the house at 5:00 a.m. in order to guarantee we will be in Tahoe by 6 p.m. We are driving so that we can bring him back with all of his stuff; as his training may be taking place in a different location than where he has worked his program. I'm a little uncomfortable about the drive up with my husband, but this too will pass, and the drive back will be better because Bryan is in the car. We will all make it work.

I feel blessed, even when sadness descends (I have been sad about the dissolution of the marriage, but I don't want to write about that now) with the following:

-My son is working his recovery and has been clean for four months;
-I continue to work my relationship with God and I appreciate his patience as I find my way
-I love Easter candy and it is now in the stores;
-I have a wonderful job and work with good people;
-I have an Oscar Party to attend today, hosted by one of my very best friends;
-Although sadness prevails, I can see the sun poking through those sad clouds and I know it will get better...it's not terminal;
-I love my Dog
-And I believe that if the first item on the list was not happening, I now have the tools to deal with that in terms of my own life; and not letting his ups and downs drive everything about who I am (less codependent traits)

Interesting Experience

2010-02-28T06:18:00.000-08:00

Bryan is in the last phase of his treatment program. They have "names" for each segment of something they do; and the students speak in code, which represents the initials for the phase. I still don't know what they all mean, but I do understand that when he talks about his "ODUBS" (not sure if I have the initials right), it refers to his omissions, deceits, etc. Anyway...because he is in this discussion-intensive phase, I've received at least one phone call from him every day for the last week, and I'm enjoying hearing from him more. Sometimes we only talk for a few minutes, but he is asking me things like:

1. Did you ever ask me to go to church with you and I refused?
2. What were your goals for me and our family back when I was 13 or so?
3. What do you want or need from me as I finish this program?

I answer his questions with no opportunity to think about it in advance (which is fine for him) and then he writes it all down and it becomes part of the "work" he is doing. He called me yesterday to add minutes to his phone card (he is making many more calls this last week or so), because he is also calling "past girlfriends" to discuss how he might have "treated them badly" and doing some repair. (Yes, I recognize this has some elements of amends in it.) He said the "girls" that he has spoken to so far, and he mentioned a few names to me that I recognized, think this is really a "funny" process and they enjoy the conversation. I was thinking to myself, as long as you are taking it seriously that's all that matters.

The next call that I apparently have to look forward to is the call where he will outline the list of bad things he did towards us over the drug years. My husband, who apparently already had this call from Bryan, called me to warn me this was coming and share a couple of the things with me so that I could be ready. I thought to myself, I'm not that surprised, because I've actually been much more in tune with what Bryan was doing all through the active addiction period. Still, I'm sure hearing it from Bryan directly will be difficult.

As I've blogged, listened, read, learned, gone to my group meetings and worked hard on my own health and recovery, I feel less emotional about this process. It has to happen and I'm excited to participate in Bryan's recovery as opposed to his addiction; but that being said, I honestly don't feel responsible for his addiction. (I spend very little time...the occasional slip is all...thinking about what I could have done differently...by the way, my concrete answer is that I would have never given him a cell phone at a young age! LOL) Because I don't feel responsible, when he shares with me the list of bad things, I believe that I can hear it without the emotion I would have had two years ago, because I won't be feeling responsible for his actions. (Now that I've said that, I'll let you know how I really do!)

At this time, he is 4-months clean (first time in the last three years for sure that we can say that). And it is an awesome start and gives me hope for his future, but I recognize that it is up to him to continue on this road to recovery. I am reminding myself to be realistic and check my expectations at the door, as it relates to Bryan.

By the way, I saw a fascinating DVD yesterday entitled Pleasure Unwoven, by Kevin McCauley (a doctor studying the disease model for addiction). For the first time ever, I found the arguments compelling for this and he explained in detail what happens to the addicts brain (but he explained it in almost a humorous way for lay people to understand). Fascinating stuff and if you can find it and see it, I highly recommend it. Another learning tool.

I am blessed and grateful today for:
...a new coffee flavor for my Keurig coffee maker;
...waking up early without the alarm clock;
...great friends who are there when I need them;
...the true power of prayer;
...my dog, Taylor, who is always happy when I am around;
...God's patience while I work on my relationship with HIM;
...My son's natural sense of humor and calm approach to life;
...My great job in a great industry (renewable energy...wind and solar);
...My family group at the BMC;
...The Serenity Prayer

Got Some Help

2010-02-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

This post is an update to the previous post of "Caught in the Middle." First of all, thank you to both Kathy and envyofbliss for your comments. I appreciate the support and no apologies are necessary! :)

I canceled a work dinner, left work and headed to the BMC for a family support group meeting (similar to an Al-anon meeting except it is specifically for family members of individuals who have been treated at their center.) I've done a lot of work there with regards to my own recovery and dealing with the issue of codependency. I went looking for friendship and support, and I got it there. Thank goodness for our Groups and our friends (whether blogging or in real life).

They reminded me that the fact that I recognized that I was being placed in a codependent spin over this drama was proof positive that I am in my own recovery. And they allowed me, with a little prodding, to recognize the truth. First of all, Bryan (my son) issued the invitation to the five of us to attend his graduation (Mom, Dad, Uncle, Aunt and their daughter). It is not my place to withdraw any of those invitations and it is only my place to respond for me. And I have...I'm going.

I want my husband to attend because I believe he will regret it if he doesn't and because I know Bryan wants him there, but it is 100% my husband's choice. And if he chooses not to attend because his feelings were hurt by my sister-in-law, there is nothing I can or should do about that. Just like in dealing with my son in his addiction, I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it (you can substitute the word "fix" for cure in this situation).

So when I got home and my husband finally came in (yes, we are still living in the same house, although I expect he will be out in the next 2-3 weeks...he told me last Saturday that he is ready to move out), he didn't mention it at all; and I didn't either. At some point, he will ask me if I'm going to call brother and SiL and suggest that they don't attend and the answer will be a polite and respectful, "No, Bryan wants them there and he invited them." Then when he says "If they are there, I can't go" my response will have to be a polite and respectful, "That is your decision to make." No guilt, no arguing, no controlling and no trying to fix it on my part.

I have three weeks until the graduation; and I am going to pray hard that I can hold on to this approach. I've set a boundary I can live with and now I just have to execute and not slip back in to my old "codependent" ways of fixing everything and making sure everyone is happy but me. I can handle this...I've handled much much worse...haven't we all?

Caught in the Middle

2010-02-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

I knew it would just be a matter of time until this happened. My husband is distraught because my son wants my brother and his wife at the graduation from his program. My husband doesn't want to be there with them, because right after I told my sister-in-law about my husband's decision to end our marriage, she apparently sent him an email with her thoughts and he didn't like whatever she said. He has said that he is thinking that if they (My brother and SiL) attend, he may not be able to. Yes, I'm the little yellow one in the picture...no wait...really it could be my son or it could be codependent me. One camp is my husband and the other camp is my brother and his wife. I feel totally like I've been thrown back into a codependent place...I want this one hour on this one Friday night to be all about Bryan. No one else. I want him to feel proud that we are there supporting him and I want him to feel our love for him. It has been so long since we had a really good moment as a family. DARN IT. All wheels are spinning, and I've spent the entire afternoon thinking about what to say and how to fix this.

Rewind to Christmas Day 2008. Bryan stole several hundered dollars from my brother's wallet when they were at our house. My brother held a mini-intervention and outed Bryan on Christmas morning and by that afternoon, Bryan was in detox at the BMC. (My brother was very experienced with addiction as my niece had been dealing with addiction for almost 15 years...great news though, she is clean for almost two years now and is doing great...Yes there is HOPE). And still today, my brother and his wife have been loving and supportive of Bryan. They have sent him letters and emails, they have talked on the phone with him, they have sent him care packages in rehab. They want him to get well. They continue to understand about loving and addict and never giving up hope. Bryan gets this about them and wants to share this upcoming good event in his life with us and with them! No surprise here, really.

An hour is really all we are talking about...maybe three total if you add in dinner after graduation. Is that asking too much? I do not want to have to tell Bryan that Brother and SiL are not coming because I don't want to make up some lame excuse; and I don't want his Dad to look bad to his son, which I believe the truth will do.

How many times over the years I've fixed situations, handled discussions, changed schedules and "worked the system" so that everyone got what they wanted...everyone but me. I won't even outline all the "fixing" I did for Bryan once I learned he was an addict. Everyone knows the drill. I'm not making this about me, I just want to go to the graduation, spend some time with my son and celebrate this success, for whatever time we have.

Bryan doesn't know about this drama and shouldn't (he knows about his Dad and I though); and he doesn't need to be in the middle of this. I'm angry about this, I'm hurt about this and I'm frustrated about this.

Accepted to Work the Program!

2010-02-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

I think this is worth a PRAISE GOD! Bryan called at the end of the week to tell me that he has been accepted into his program to train to be a counselor. They provide room and board during training and a small cash stipend and then after training he becomes an employee and will be counseling other young men and women who are in this inpatient program to overcome their addictions (to everything, not just heroin). I don't know if this will work or not, but he seems motivated and he said he is really happy to have something "real" to do now that he is finishing the program (his graduation is tentatively set for March 12).

He wants to come home for a week to visit (which makes me nervous) but we are going to make it happen. I told him that when he comes home, his car is off limits (it is actually in our name) because I've taken him off the insurance. He said he understood, and since he is rejoining the ranks of the "law abiding" he can't drive if he is not insured (is this my son speaking?) I've scheduled the week off that he will be home, for my own peace of mind. I can help him get around and maybe get an extra bit of time with him during that week (I have days when I miss him so much it hurts); and then I'll drive him back to Northern California to start his training. As his visit gets closer, I will be asking for every one's prayers.

My husband continues to move forward on his "journey," telling me tonight that he is getting ready to move out. Tonight it feels like everyone around me is moving forward except me. I'm stuck in the mud, but happy that my son really seems to be starting a journey; and in the backpack he is carrying, he has about 4 months clean. It is a start.

Black-Tar Heroine...the Devil's Tool

2010-02-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

I've often wondered about heroine and how it has become a drug that young men and women, raised in small communities by loving, caring parents have such easy access to. These are kids that are consistently thought of as smart, witty, fun to be with. Many did sports in school and when they were freshmen, we mostly thought about what college they would be going to. When I was growing up, heroine was something that my friends wouldn't experiment with, wouldn't try; even if you drank a beer under age, or smoked some pot.

There is an amazing series, running currently in the Los Angeles Times, about the growth of the black-tar heroine industry out of Xalisco, Mexico. It is a harsh story with a lot of information. Many things I did not know about, but looking back at Bryan's experience, when he was still living at home, I remember the random cars driving up to my house at all hours of the night and now it makes sense to me.

If you have the stomach for it, and wish to continue to learn more about this world we have all been thrown in to, I would suggest that you log on to www.latimes.com; and scroll 1/2 way down the page. The story is called The Heroine Road. The audio slide show is very difficult to watch; so think twice. I cried while watching it sitting at my desk.

God Only Gives Us What We Can Handle

2010-02-15T10:13:00.000-08:00

As you can tell, my recent focus has been more on my life than on my sons. He continues to work his program and still appears focused on remaining "in the program" by training and then becoming a working member of the team, helping others that come to this particular facility. I can't influence what he does, but I continue to tell him that I love him and I'm proud of the choice he appears to be making. I've also told him that it is easier to support him and provide him things while in recovery; something that won't continue if he heads back to the drugs. We will see.

I made it through Valentine's Day recognizing that things will never be the same with my husband again. It has been just a month since he informed me that he wants to change his life, and being married to me is no longer making him happy. Most of the time I'm okay (weekends can be difficult), and I'm blessed that my son is working his program. I am blessed that I have a great job in a great company, in a great industry, with good people around me. I am blessed that I am in good health (yes, I need to lose weight). I am blessed that I have a few good friends who care about me.

And honestly (and I'm not really thanking God for my son's addiction), I believe that living through and learning from this situation with my son has given me strength to live through this situation with my husband. Five years ago, if my husband would have told me that he was done with me (we've been married 23 1/2 years), I don't know how I would have handled it. Certainly in a very codependent way, taking full blame for things I had no control over and making myself miserable while trying to make his world perfect. Because of what I've learned from my son's situation and how to live with that, I'm a different person today. And besides, my son could have died from his overdose a few months back; and he's lied and stolen and manipulated and and and. With all of that I've experienced with him, it seems like the situation with my husband, while painful and sad, seems smaller somehow. I guess if you are a parent and you've been through a lot of pain with a child, that might make sense. So I'm not thanking God for my son's addiction...every day I still wish that he would have never gone down that road in the first place...I do think that his situation has helped me find strength that I didn't know I had. So I will thank God for the strength in me that he has helped me to tap into during this challenging time in my life. Sorry if I rambled somewhat.

Does the Drama Ever Go Away?

2010-02-09T19:21:00.000-08:00

I've been out of town a couple of days every week, the last week or two on business (normal); and my husband has called me to inform me that twice, our sons car has been egged as it sits in the driveway. This seems odd to me for a couple of reasons. First of all, my son has not lived in our house since Christmas Eve 2008. He has either been in detox, sober living, living on the streets, or in rehab. His car has been in our driveway for virtually the last year (it is still in our name, so technically it is our car). Second, I think if the issue were his drug suppliers, etc., egging the car would not be their M.O. I think they would be damaging the car in more serious ways, or more importantly, probably attempting to steal it out of our driveway for whatever debts he may owe. So why now? Is this random? It doesn't feel random. Is that my codependency talking? I honestly don't know.

I've left a message for my son to give me a call. In his program (not 12-step, but Narconon), they have a "book" which looks and sounds a lot like amends in the 12-step program. He is getting to that stage, although of course, I haven't received any feedback (sorry, that's for another blog). Could it be that he reached out to someone that loaned him drugs or money or both, and they are now "pissed" that he is in recovery, doesn't have a single penny to his name to pay them anything, and they are taking it out on us by egging his car? Maybe. And to be honest, when he calls me and we discuss this, I won't know for sure whether he is telling me the truth or not. After all, he is very new to this recovery effort (3 1/2 months); and although he is doing well, talking about staying in the program and training and working there as a counselor, there is still a relatively long road to walk before trust exists again. I realize all of that.

So, my husband moved the car into the garage (we have a 4-car garage...don't ask why it was in the driveway!), and now we will see if that takes care of the issue. If not, the next egging will lead to a call to the local police to report it, in hopes that they will drive by once in awhile at 4 a.m. to see what's up. I don't know what else to do.

And yes, my husband is still living in the house. It has been a month, and we are being civil to each other; but I don't have much faith that it will lead to reconciliation. It does seem like a complicated way to live after being married for almost 24 years. At least he was home to wash the eggs off the car and the driveway and put the car away.

The Simple Things in LIfe

2010-02-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

Chris at Enchanted Oak and her family (I'll have to type her blog address as I still have not mastered inserting links!) :) are donating to Haiti Relief, for each blog or comment about the Joy of Simple Things.
http://chrisalba-enchantedoak.blogspot.com/

The simple things in life show up every day; and the real trick is to recognize them when they appear and allow yourself to enjoy/feel the joy in the moment.

A fresh cup of coffee first thing in the morning;
Sitting down and reading the Sunday paper;
The smell of fresh-baked cookies;
Receiving a card or a letter in the mailbox (snail mail) from a friend...(even as a blogger, I still think this is the best!);
An unexpected telephone call from my son, just to say hello;
Opening my blog and finding comments from my friends (I'm still always a little surprised that people are reading what I write!);
An unscheduled lunch with a girlfriend;
Finding a favorite movie on the television on a quiet Sunday afternoon.
Saying "thank you" to someone and seeing on their face how that makes them feel;

The list could go on and on; but the simple things in life are what bring us the most joy and we simply have to make sure that we are not moving to fast or too focused on the "goal line," to see them and enjoy them. Thank you, Chris, for having me stop and think about the simple things and the joy they bring.

What Are the Next Steps?

2010-02-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

As a side note, before I start writing what I was thinking...I started thinking, "Do I entitle this blog first, or do I write the blog and let the title flow from that?" Moving on...

We have a lot of new/next steps coming up in our family over the next several weeks, months and years. With my husband moving in a different direction, away from the family, he will find things to be different and have to adjust. And because my husband is moving away from our family (at least physically, possibly emotionally as well), that will change what I face and the steps I take in life. And of course, dear Bryan, my only son, who will graduate from his inpatient program sometime in March (at least it appears that way), also has to face life and figure out what his next steps are. Lots of change going on in our family.

I was reading Barbara's blog this morning, and JustLacey wrote a comment that reached right out and grabbed me. At what point, do I stop saying "Just being clean is enough, congratulations to Bryan." The truth is, he has to figure out what he wants to do with his life and have a life. Now, I suppose he can do little or minimal, live in poverty and maybe through that process, recovery will be his sole focus (by the way, I am well aware that there is no guarantees here that he will remain focused on recovery...but for now, I'd like to think that he will). Or he can continue to work on his recovery and then work on life. Figuring out what to do and how to achieve it. Of course, it will be a challenge for him, but isn't life a challenge for everyone? I believe it is.

Just as I couldn't control Bryan and his drug use or control Bryan and his recovery over the last 2-4 years; and just as I couldn't control my marriage and keep us together, I can't control how Bryan will face life. I can't control whether he will create a good life for himself (based on how he defines good). I'd like to think that at some point, he will take the necessary steps to move forward. As JustLacey said, "This does not have to be Bryan (I inserted my son's name), but I think you should ask more from him at this point in life. He is able to do more and now there are no (illegal) drugs in his system. Expect more from him and let him know what that is. Set boundaries for yourself and for him.

I recognize that he is still early in this program (3 1/2 months clean), and still working his program/treatment. I recognize that he still has a long way to go to feel in control of his life and his future, and I realize that although I can think far into the future and set goals, he is much closely tied at this time to "one day at a time." All that being said, I still hope and pray that at some point, he is thinking about next steps and building a good life, whatever that is.

My husband is up visiting Bryan this weekend, with snowboarding/skiing planned for tomorrow (Bryan's day off in the program). I miss seeing him, but I'm sure that they will have a good time together. It is raining in Southern California and I have a cold, so it is a good excuse to stay in, out of the rain this weekend. Maybe a movie marathon in the house, and yes, I will watch Super Bowl tomorrow! I'm some what of a sports junkie.

Thank you to everyone who read these blogs, write these blogs and write comments. What a difference it makes.

Silence is Golden...or it Can be Sad

2010-01-30T21:04:00.000-08:00

A week has gone by since we saw Bryan and shared with him the news about his father and me. He seemed to take it well...extremely calmly, no major emotion, etc. He seemed to understand. He asked me one question, which was "Where is Dad staying?" and I told him that he was still at our home. We spent about 5 hours together on Sunday and it was really good.

I haven't heard a word from him since. I've sent one email to him; and of course, I can't call him. He had been calling at least once a week, but not this week. I don't know if the lack of hearing from him is about his being busy in his program, or his reaction to the news.

My husband is not home to discuss this with him. Although still staying here, he manages to be gone every weekend. Probably it is best overall. I admit that I can stay busy during the week and even weekend days; however, the Saturday nights at home alone are a little challenging and a little difficult to get use to (after all, it has really only been three weeks).

I'll send Bryan another email letter and say hi. I won't pry because maybe he is just being a 21 year old male that doesn't think about communicating directly with his parents. And if it is not going well, maybe it is better that I don't know.

I went to a lovely tea party with friends this afternoon, celebrating the achievement of an MBA by one of the participants; and I received a wonderful card in the mail from my best friend. I know that I'm not alone. I pray to God not only for those that I know need prayers but for myself as well. I continue to have faith that everything will work out the way God intended. That's all I can do right now.

I Had Forgotten

2010-01-25T21:55:00.000-08:00

I realized something this weekend. I had forgotten Bryan's normal behaviors in life. Because his addiction to Oxy and then Heroine has taken up so much of his adult life, I couldn't remember how he reacted to things when sober. I only knew his reactions when high or when dope sick. Yikes.

Looking back now, and seriously thinking about Bryan's behavior, I always found it amazing that he rarely pouted or went into a funk when he didn't get his way. I HAD FORGOTTEN!... I always thought that when he went to the water park with his friends, and they wouldn't go on the highest purple slide, he didn't give them a hard time, he just went with the flow. I HAD FORGOTTEN...I always thought it was amazing when he and his friend Lucas (now a heroine addict and still suffering) would play Pokemon in our RV on vacation (we always had Lucas go with us on vacation), Bryan would always keep playing even though Lucas had to win in order to keep playing. I HAD FORGOTTEN. Bryan has never been an overly emotional kid/young man. But, I HAD FORGOTTEN!

So we went to visit Bryan on Saturday afternoon, and my husband could not stand it. He needed to tell Bryan immediately. I sat back and listened as M told Bryan that we were "separating," that he had some real issues and his head was messed up. He told Bryan it was not my fault and it would be okay if Bryan was angry at him or even hated him because of this. How did Bryan react? Very cool and calm. He told his Dad that he needs to "man up" and do what he needs to do. He said he understands that if there are issues, he needs to work them out. He indicated that he couldn't really be angry at his Dad over this, based on all that he (Bryan) has put us through. And we agreed to pick him up the next day for our day together, that really was 5 hours because we had to leave to catch a plane. The next day, the only question Bryan had for me was, "So, where is Dad going to live?" He asked this when his Dad got up from the lunch table to use the restroom. I told him that for the time being, his Dad is staying at the house as we work through this. His response was "ok."

Okay...I admit that I would have liked Bryan to ask me, "Mom, are you okay?" But the logical side of my brain says that I don't want Bryan to ever feel that he has to choose between us. And maybe asking me that, would have been making a choice.

The truth is that we accomplished what I wanted to. Bryan knows this is happening and he still has his support system around him if he needs them. In the meantime, M is going back to Tahoe in two weeks to take Bryan snowboarding. I won't be going on this trip, but I said that out loud and Bryan said, "Of course, Mom. You don't want to be sitting around why we ski/snowboard." I've already written to Bryan and asked him to share with me his thoughts on what is going on. That may take awhile.

In the meantime, he is still going to church (hallelujah), he is still working the program, he is still actively talking about staying in this Group, becoming a trainee and then working there. Hallelujah squared! :) I don't have any complaints.

Thank you, Midnitefyrfly for the award. It came at at time when I needed it. And thank you to everyone whose comments held me over this weekend. I feel blessed to have friends that care about me during this difficult time.

Going to See Him

2010-01-20T05:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend we will be flying up to Tahoe to spend a day with Bryan and tell him what is happening between his Dad and me. I know it is the right thing to do...I feel it in my heart. Unfortunately, I also feel the pain in my heart associated with delivering this message. I feel like I will deliberately be hurting my son and that is a painful thing to think about. In my lucid moments, I tell myself that not telling him the truth, manipulating and/or telling half-truths would be worse, and would likely anger him and hurt him. And if down the road he needs an excuse to use, our dishonesty could be that. Oh...but of course, if he needs an excuse to use our honesty could be that as well. I can't control what he does, if he chooses to relapse and go back to heroine that is what he will do. We are trying to move forward as required.

For the first time since this recovery process began, I am not really looking forward to going to seeing him. I guess it just comes down to nerves. On top of all of Bryan's issues, this makes our issue very real now.

Wonderful News From Bryan

2010-01-16T06:26:00.000-08:00

I don't often post daily...in my world, daily posts are driven by crisis, and I'm trying to view events simply as events and not make everything a crisis (which I am very good at doing).

I did receive wonderful news from Bryan last night. He called around 10:30 p.m. and I think it was specifically to tell me that he got his test results back from the hospital and he does not have Hep C. Praise God! I feel like that was a reward from God for his hard work, and he was genuinely happy to tell me about it, so now I know that although every time I did ask and he didn't make a big deal about it, he was worried.

I told him about Mr. Kelly calling, and he asked me to email him the phone number and said he would call him on Sunday. It will be in his hands, but I also think that God is sending Mr. Kelly to Bryan for a reason (Bryan graduated from high school in 2006, so he has been out of school for awhile. That makes the call even more unusual.)

I teared up as I started to think about what I have to tell him when we were talking, but I pulled it together quickly. We had a great (almost joyous) conversation. I needed that last night. After he called, I put the Oreos and the wine away and I went to bed...to be awakened by a 4 a.m. earthquake!

Thank you to everyone who pray for Bryan and his recovery; and thank you to all my friends in this blogger community who have expressed your caring for me, with my recent life event (not crisis). I am truly touched in my life by good people. In this challenging moment, finding so many good people is God reminding me that I'm going to be okay.

Someone is Reaching Out to Bryan

2010-01-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

When I got home tonight (to an empty house...but that's a different part of my life), there was a message on the machine that went something like this. "This is Mr. Kelly, I was the science teacher and had Bryan in my class for a couple of years. I live in Chili but I come back in the Spring for a couple of months for the academic decathlon. I have heard that Bryan has had some real life challenges. I'd like to share some thoughts with him. He was always respectful and a really good kid in my class. Here is my number xxx-xxxx and you can call me back or forget I called, thinking I should mind my own business."

I don't really know if Bryan will want to speak to Mr. Kelly or not. This isn't really a codependent issue for me. It just surprised me. I will probably call him back and thank him for calling. I will probably pass on his number to Bryan and then Bryan can call him if he wishes.

Earlier today I read Debby's blog and it reminded me that Bryan has a pending Hep C test and I haven't heard any results from him. I'd like to know, although I can't do anything about it. I would be able to tell Bryan that his health insurance is still active and maybe if he does have Hepatitis C he will get some medical care. It is his issue to deal with.

My heart is hurting tonight and of course, it doesn't really have anything to do with Bryan. In fact, he passed Objective 5 of his program (and he was struggling with that one) so I am quite proud of him and his continued focus. We need to tell him what is going on and that will happen soon now, I think.

I am pretty sure that now that I'm home from work, I'm going to crawl into a bottle of wine and try to numb the pain. Oh, I may eat some double-stuffed Oreos tonight as well, but I promise I will go to the gym tomorrow!

Life IS Changing

2010-01-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are going separate ways. He has determined that at this time in his life, he needs something that he can't get from me. We've been married 23 1/2 years. I did not fail. I guess it is just done.

This is not about Bryan or his addiction. We will determine together the best way to deliver the news to Bryan, who is 2 1/2 months clean and continuing to work his in-patient program. I accept that I can't "shelter him" from this news or try to make this right for him. He is an adult (at least on the calendar) and he has to learn to live life with the challenges that come with it. We will both continue to love and support him as he actively works his recovery.

Life is changing.

Life's Challenges

2010-01-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

I haven't talked to Bryan since he called me on the drive home last Sunday after our visit last weekend. I do miss him terribly, especially after seeing him, talking to him and being able to hug him. It is not the same as worrying about him, because his silence use to mean that things were bad or at least moving in that direction. I'm not worried.

I am struggling with a new challenge in my life and in my family and right now I don't know what the outcome will be. We might not be an intact family when this is all said and done. I just don't know. I have to believe that this new issue is in God's hands. It must be working to some extent because when I met with my boss earlier this week, he said I looked "serene." Good thing he can't see me today! :)

I am working hard not to be sad...not to take responsibility for things I didn't cause, I can't control or I can't cure. This Al anon saying applies to all aspects of life, not just drug or alcohol addiction.

I am taking great comfort that I can read every one's posts (positive and hopeful or scared and worried) because every time I read about you and your families and how you are handling issues and where you are in life, I feel like I have friends surrounding me, which I admit I do need right now.

If this post seems vague, I apologize. I don't want to cast dispersions on anyone else or make issues "public" when others have expressed a desire to keep them private. I'm simply trying to be respectful, but I felt like I needed to reach out.

New Dance Steps

2010-01-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

I'm hear in South Lake Tahoe...alone today as Bryan and his Dad are up snowboarding and skiing at Heavenly. Bryan was pretty excited about "hitting the mountain." The weather is beautiful today and I think they will have a great day. Yesterday we connected with Bryan at 3:30 p.m. We brought him a guitar as his Christmas present (he's really spending a lot of time playing); and we took him out for fast food, and a little shopping and just hanging out.

He wanted to be back for Friday night graduation, and we agreed...and attended with him. I saw a difference in him as he stood up and said a few words about completing Book 5 of the 8 Book Program they utilize. He is full of confidence (drug use certainly didn't seem to take that away from him) and he continues to be social with everyone. When we went out, he had us drive down the street to show us where he walks to church on Sunday...it's a 15 minute walk in the cold, so I really feel like he wants to go, or he would find an excuse not to go. He also was happy to get the Bible, but honestly, it was a little overshadowed by the guitar! :)

I can see/feel that our relationship has changed. Not for the good or for the bad, just changed. I don't know if it is Bryan that has changed or if it is me. I always felt that he and I had a special relationship (Mom and Son...no other children), but it doesn't feel quite that way now.

The counselor that runs the VIP Program at BMC, where I attend family meetings, talks about learning new dance steps. She says as addicts get clean, they are learning new dance steps. She says that family members have to learn new dance steps as well, so that when the addict comes home, we are not stepping on each other's toes. Maybe that is it. Maybe I'm dancing the quick step, and he's dancing the waltz. I'm not sure.

It has been so good to see him. Clean, healthy, calm, collected. He is still talking about working the program when he graduates. Becoming a counselor might be a great thing for him. He's 65 days clean this time around, although he doesn't seem to think about it that way. I asked him if he feels like he's been gone for a long time (it feels long to me) and he says, "No, he feels like he just got here." I think that is a good sign as well. He is not dwelling. His days are really busy with class/course work; he works out, he plays guitar, he does his chores, he reads the Bible, and he spent the last couple of weeks doing evening coursework as well, so that he could be sure to have earned a pass for a day away during our stay. He succeeded on all accounts.

I can tell that our family will never be quite the same. Again, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing; it is obviously time for us to move forward (all of us) with various aspects of our life. 2010 could be the year we all move forward. I will pray that we are all moving in the direction that God wants for us.

Oh...I decided not to discuss the banking calls with him. I will separately email him the contact information, but I will not verify whether he called or not. If the bank continues to call, I will respond with Option 2, which is "if we've called the wrong number, hit "2" and then "#." It is not my problem, and I don't want to be a helicopter hovering mom. (Thanks, Madison)

Happy New Year, one and all.

Understanding Relapse

2009-12-30T10:49:00.000-08:00

I just relapsed! And I have to say that I have a much better understanding of how our addicts relapse and what happens in their heads as they move down that road. I'm writing this to get it out of my system; not because I don't know what to do....

We get an automated call from the Bank, about every two weeks or so. It is for Bryan and it is obvious that his account is overdrawn. I called a month or so ago and told them he doesn't live here any more, and they were nice; and told me the calls may continue, which they have.

Well, for the last couple of days, I've found myself thinking about zeroing out this account for him. All the things that I thought about included every thought each of you has had as you reached out to "help" your son or daughter, when enabling was all you could do in an attempt to make things better. I thought to myself, he's taking the right steps, he's reaching out to God. If he gets clean and stays clean, he won't need this on his record. Employers are doing credit checks now so this could keep him from getting a job some day, etc. etc. etc. Somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I also heard myself saying that this is part of his consequences and I'm not helping him by fixing it for him. How easy it was to silence those words and let the words about "helping" him by paying off the bank take over. I imagine that when an addict that is trying to stay in recovery has a trigger (for me it was another call/message from the bank), it feels the same way. They know what they should do, but our brains are powerful tools and when our brain thinks that there is something out there that it needs, it is amazing what we hear in our heads. Does this make sense?

Needless to say, the bank will "allow" me to go to the bank and make a deposit into his account, but of course they won't tell me how much he is overdrawn. So if I make a deposit, I may or may not cover the problem. The calls may continue. Or worse, I'll deposit too much and then I can't access my money and when he gets out, there is additional funds sitting in his account just waiting for him to access them.

I really lost it, speaking to "Martin," the Senior Account Manager in the overdraft department. He of course said he understood, but I knew he did not. Their policy is that they will not release account information to anyone not on the account. But of course, I can go in and bring the account current if I wish to help my son...of course, they won't tell me what it takes to bring the account current. So I asked how to stop the calls...he said bring the account current...I said how can I do that if you won't tell me the amount...It was a merry-go-round of a discussion, which led him to "lecturing me"...me crying and feeling all of the familiar feelings rising to the surface. Again, I wonder if this isn't exactly what the addict feels like?

I thought that I'd learned enough about what I should be doing and not doing in this situation that I wouldn't find myself in this position again. Apparently not! Relapse sucks, that is for sure.

Reaching Out to God

2009-12-29T08:44:00.001-08:00

Bryan called me last night around 10:30 p.m. He told me that last Sunday he went forward in the church he has been attending while in rehab, and asked for people to pray for him. He did this because he said the people that are active in the church are happy and have peace and he wants that too. Wow!

I've been praying so hard for God to keep his hand on Bryan's shoulder and to give him strength and direction. It seems like God is hearing our prayers and Bryan is opening his heart. He asked me to bring him a study bible when I come up this weekend; as the traditional Bible is a little difficult for him to understand the meaning.

I did not do a good job of introducing him to God and Church growing up, and I've always regretted that, especially over the last two years. But I know it is never too late, as I am working on my relationship with God as well.

Christmas Has Passed

2009-12-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

We made it through Christmas Day. My family is staying at my house until tomorrow (brother, his wife, son and daughter...daughter is 15 months clean after a 10-year journey). Bryan called on Christmas and then the day after. It was good to hear from him; and I told him that all year I prayed that Christmas 2009 would be a milestone and an improvement over Christmas 2008. It is not exactly what I had hoped for, when hoping for the best, but there is no doubt that it is better this year. He is in a program, he seems to be working that program, and he is clean and sounds healthy. Definitely better than last Christmas.

I am an emotional person. People that know me, understand that I am prone to tears (I'm tearing up as I type this). The tears are borne from the tremendous amount of emotions I feel on an every-day/every-minute basis. What I try to do now is let the emotions come and go naturally, because if I don't "fight them" then they flow through quickly and don't overtake my life. I equate the emotions to my co-dependent behaviors. I think I was ofter trying to manage my emotions and make them go away. I didn't want to be sad or angry or scared for Bryan, so I kept trying to manage everything for him, and of course we all know how that worked out! Now, I know that because of who I am and how I am wired, I am going to be sad, or angry or scared for Bryan...and depending on what he is doing, I might also be proud and happy and calm about what he is doing as well. The emotions will still be there, and I really do have to just live with emotions.

Sorry, I'm rambling a little.

It's two days after Christmas, New Years is around the corner, and I will see Bryan in five days. I'm looking forward to seeing him, because I'm his Mom and I miss him. I will have to manage the emotions but the truth is, what I feel is what I feel. I can't change it. I just can't let it overtake me, that's all.

I've been reading every one's blogs, and for many, I think there is relief that Christmas has passed. My niece said last night to me, after she talked to Bryan, "Next year we will all be together." Is that hope or what? I guess that shows how healthy she is becoming because she is able to think a full year ahead when everything I've read and learned is that addicts need to deal with life one day at a time. Maybe she truly is active in her recovery and it has become her way of life. I hope so. Thanks for "listening."

Last Christmas...

2009-12-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2008 we celebrated with my family (brother and his wife and son...daughter in inpatient rehab) on Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning, my brother called us all together to inform us that Bryan had stolen money from him the night before. He decided we needed to know. By mid-afternoon, after they left, we confronted Bryan with rehab or leaving our home (of course, I know now that we wanted it more than him, but I offered this with love is all I can say) and he agreed to go to rehab.

My husband was really angry and embarrassed (about the stealing) and he went off to his family's house for Christmas, and I went off with Bryan to get him into detox and the start of his first detox/intensive outpatient treatment(the "programs" we had tried to this point were not helpful...again, because we wanted him clean more than he did). It was pouring cats and dogs in Southern California and my heart was broken in so many pieces, and Bryan was a mess. I remembered thinking..."if this is the beginning of his being clean, then by next Christmas we will look back and celebrate today." It hasn't quite worked out that way. It has been a difficult year, and I've learned a lot and cried a river of tears.

So I don't have Bryan with me this Christmas. He is in an inpatient program, and around two months clean (I don't count days any more). I am grateful that he is in a program and appears to be working the program successfully (I'm sorry that I have to use qualifiers like "appears..." but it's self preservation, I think; but I do have hope). As more time goes by, and he demonstrates the life changes and being clean outside of the program, I will be able to believe more. I do know that God is watching over him and giving him strength to walk forward in this journey. I can't ask for any more than that right now.

My heart is a little sad today because Christmas is almost here and it is not the same when my son is not around (we only have one child). But I know that it could be so much worse. And I felt good reading on many blogs today about parents being able to spend Christmas with their loved ones and taking joy from that, regardless of what the day before or the day after will bring. I will now focus on what I need to get done today (a lot); and have lunch with a really good girl friend (yeah); and stop and be grateful for all the good things that God has put in my life. I am blessed; and the sadness will pass.

Christmas is Coming!

2009-12-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

It's the last Saturday before Christmas, and I finished Christmas shopping today. I'll wrap things tomorrow and at 4 p.m. I will head off to the airport for a quick business trip to Toronto, Canada, returning on Tuesday night. Of course, it is not really quick heading to Toronto from the west coast, and the weather might get in the way. We will see.

I'm looking forward to seeing Bryan on the 1st and 2nd of January 2010; and I'm a little nervous about Christmas without him, but that feeling too, shall pass. I will continue to pray and hope for the best; and maybe 2010 will be a better year for all of us.

I am thinking a lot about all of you that I've "met" whose children (young adults) are not living the life you dreamed of for them; and I just pray that they are safe and you are calm and peaceful through this holiday season. That is really all we can ask for at this time, isn't it?

Merry Christmas to all....

Christmas Cards

2009-12-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was sitting here opening the mail, which included a few Christmas cards, and the sadness rolled in like the fog over San Francisco Bay. After reading several family letters about perfect families, perfect children, perfect spouses and perfect lives, I, of course, found myself thinking about my less than perfect existence...I am, after all, the Mom of a heroin addict. Is there a clever way to talk about that in your family Christmas letter?

"It's been a great year in our family. Bryan has detoxed twice, relapsed four times, and experienced one overdose. And we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Of course, I'm just being a little cynical or a little sad or a little angry or a little frustrated. Even after two years of Bryan's addiction under my belt, I still get a little tongue-tied when I run into someone that I haven't seen for a long time and the first words out of their mouth is "How's Bryan doing?"

The truth is, every one's cards and family letters make me a little sad. It reminds me of what I hoped for and wished for and prayed for when he was growing up. How many times I said out loud, "I don't care what he does for a living as an adult as long as he is a good person." And although I still believe with all my heart he is a good person, drug use and the behavior associated with it truly gets in the way of seeing the goodness, at least some of the time.

I am more equipped today to deal with this. I know how to stop, breathe, pray and find the things I am happy about, grateful for, blessed with. I know that I should not compare my insides to other people's outsides. I work hard nowadays to stay on top of the negative emotions so that they don't get the better of me. When I fall down (emotionally) I am able to recognize it for what it is and get up much faster than I use to.

I am really busy at work. In fact, I'm so busy that I'm not sure how I'm going to get a package off to Bryan so that he will receive it before Christmas. I'm also not sure how I'm going to get all my Christmas "chores" done before Christmas, but the good news is that being that busy means I have less time to contemplate on what might make me sad; because I have so much to do and so little time to do it.

I guess I won't be sending Christmas Cards this year.

Hope Does Spring Eternal

2009-12-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

This beautiful picture doesn't match the current season (cold out everywhere and snowy in a lot of places), but hope does spring eternal, and right now it feels as if Bryan is feeling what it is like to grow within his own heart, body and mind.

He called tonight to share that he completed Book 3 (the part of the program where they learn about how to study, so that they have some skills moving forward). He was so proud of himself to share with us that he passed the test for this section with a 100% accuracy rate. The counselors told them that in the year this particular facility has been open, no one else has done that well on this section. The strength, joy and self pride in his voice was amazing and melted my heart. Of course, I told him that we are not surprised...we know how smart he truly is. But to hear him expressing self pride in this accomplishment...well, I know that if you are reading this, you understand how important that is. So many addicts spend all their waking hours beating themselves up and running away from who they think they are. I believe that is one of the reasons (of course not the only one) they run to the drugs. To mask how they are feeling, to hide from themselves and to hide from others. They often have little to no "self love." I pray that this is the start of strength and hope and self-pride for Bryan (not hurtful pride) but the type that allows you to believe in yourself and your own accomplishments. I know that Bryan believes in a Higher Power, and I feel His hand on Bryan's shoulder right now. And I am grateful for the peace Bryan has while feeling His support and growing strong through that process.

For me, hearing from Bryan twice in one day was a "gift from God." But the real gift is the fact that Bryan was honestly proud of his own success. It is a small step, but a step nevertheless.

And for those of you in Southern California, he said at the end of the call, "A new guy just walked by and gave me an In-n-Out Burger!" I could almost hear his stomach growing in anticipation! :)

I feel blessed tonight because:

1) My son is experiencing some success in this program and he appears proud of what he has done so far. To hear that in his voice, lifts my heart.
2) It is the holiday season, and I love Christmas decorations
3) My family, though small, is supportive and caring;
4) I have good friends, a good job, and I am continuing to build my own Faith in God and the miracles he works for us every day in our lives, even when we aren't "watching."

I'm Scared to Think

2009-12-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for an entire week! Why is that? I've gone on line every day, sometimes two or three times (sounds like I'm addicted doesn't it?) I've read every blog I'm following religiously, I've thought about the funny posts, the sad posts, the posts about hope and some that seem to be bordering on hopeless. I've even written a comment or two, for what it is worth.

But when it comes to my own life, my own blog, I'm a little scared to put it out there. Everyone was so "happy" for my good visit with Bryan, and of course, I was to. I didn't know what to expect when we got to Lake Tahoe and would see him. It went well. Considering he had only been there a month, I certainly saw physical improvements in him, in terms of how he looked, how he sounded, the clearness in his eyes, and even with his ability to put thoughts together and talk and be interactive with us. Everyone (other students and staff) were so complimentary of him, telling us what a nice guy he is. That was all great. But the truth is, it doesn't really mean anything, does it? He's 38 days clean, against 1250+ days addicted. I don't know if he is complacent and there because it is a roof over his head and he can't get drugs, or if he is there because he wants to be clean up his life and have a future (he can walk away but he has no money, no car, and no friends nearby...as noted earlier, he's not stupid so I don't think he would walk away to sleep on a bench outside when it is well below freezing every night and on most days as well).I guess that's why I haven't blogged, because I don't know what the next step will be.

I had an opportunity to speak to a mom who also has a son in this particular clinic. She sounded very nice and like so many of us, is struggling with codependent behaviors. As I spoke to her, I so understood how she was feeling. Her son (whom she speaks to daily) is pushing pretty hard. He really doesn't want to be there many more months, and I think he is hoping she will cave in and take him out of the program. He tells her that he's clean and he's never going back. (sound familiar?) And maybe he is...according to what he has told her...he has only done Oxy and not moved on to heroine. I sincerely hope so for her sake and for his. I told her to be strong and although being in a facility and a program over the holidays is hard on our loved ones, I think it is part of facing the consequences of their behaviors and their decisions and this facility, in beautiful Lake Tahoe, is much better than being in jail or the morgue. I will pray for Greg and her Mom; and if any of you in blog land have room for another parent and addict to pray for, please add them to your list. It would mean a lot to me.

We've made a decision not to visit Bryan again, until the week between Christmas and New Years, so he will have another month under his belt. I will continue to write to him and speak to him occasionally on the phone (although we only talk once or twice a week max), and I will continue to pray for his health and well being and that he can see the value to his life of taking the steps not only to be clean now but to remain clean in the future.

Today I got sad news that my niece (not the one that is 15 months clean... she remains clean and on the right path, praise God), who three or four years ago had an inppropriate relationship with her brother and has been somewhat of a "hellion" ever since including some recreations drugs, was caught shoplifting a week ago or so. My heart broke for her parents and how they must be feeling. The grandparents are going to stop loving this girl, I'm afraid, because they don't understand; and I don't know if she is going to make any attempt to truly pull her life together. I don't know if she was arrested or what exactly happened, and I guess it doesn't matter.
We simply suggested to her Dad to start drug testing her if they are not; and we will continue to pray for them. It simply makes me sad. Another set of parents that simply don't understand what's going on with their daughter, who they have loved and cared for her entire life.

I need to get a handle on not feeling sad. I need to focus on the fact that I feel blessed because:

1) I have friends that care about me and my family (including my son);
2) I am working on my relationship with God; and I'm excited about the peace that I've felt so far; with continued work to do, of course;
3) My son is in a safe place, and is clean and if he is open to God's help, he could get better;
4) My husband put up outside Christmas lights, which I totally love;
5) Even though I cry a lot, it helps to release the stress and tension which allows me to think about my own health (I've lost 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks or so...still have a long way to go); and
6) I'm grateful for the friends (both in the blog world and in the real world) that make sure I am not alone in this place of addiction.
7) The holidays continue whether I want them to or not; and I love that I want to participate, regardless of the other distractions.

A Visit With Bryan

2009-11-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

We left my brother's (in San Jose, CA) this morning around 10:30 a.m. to drive to South Lake Tahoe, CA, where Bryan has completed his first month of inpatient treatment. I was so very nervous to see him. With traffic, we arrived around 3:30 p.m. amidst snow flurries, and went straight to the facility to see him.

He looks wonderful. The best we've seen him in such a long time. Skin and eyes are clear and his weight is good. He sleeps at night and is currently working the program. We visited for a little over an hour, met his roommate and several of his fellow students (as they refer to themselves). We left so he could have dinner and do his after dinner chores. We were invited back for Friday night graduation, where those graduating the program are honored, as well as those that have completed a structured component of the program (Bryan has completed one and is in the second book as they refer to it).

We came back after dinner and they started the graduation. The two young men that were graduating had family members there. I think we were the only other family members as many of these men and women are coming from many states away and it would be difficult for family to visit them. It gave me hope. These two young men talked about their lives that were going no where and their only focus was drugs and alcohol. One of them talked about not wanting to stay in the program initially. But at some point it took hold and they presented themselves as two young men who feel they have a future now and are excited about moving towards it. God I hope so. The parents that spoke as well of course sounded proud, and scared, all at the same time. (Will this work, will this hold, will my son stay clean and sober?) I understood their fear and their hope all at the same time.

Everyone I met had wonderful things to say about Bryan, and it reminded me that they are seeing him without the drugs; and without the drugs, he is a pretty awesome young man. Over the last two years, it has become easy for me to forget that about him. I pray for the opportunity, sometime in the next few months or years, to get to know my son again. I choose to have hope that he will continue down the right road.

He is talking about graduating, maybe sometime in February if all goes well, and then staying in South Lake Tahoe and working for the program. It is an option they offer to those that graduate (neither of today's graduates are staying and working for the program but one has already found a job in South Lake Tahoe and he is staying in the area). Both my husband and I would be supportive of Bryan making that choice...to stay involved with the program. We will see...again hope without expectations.

We will see him again tomorrow afternoon and then head back home on Sunday. It will be a long drive, but worth it. It is the Thanksgiving holiday, and I feel I have something regarding my son to be thankful for...the work he is choosing to do. Other things that I'm thankful for include:

- my family and friends
- my ever strengthening belief in God